I bumped into my ex. The one who hit me and mentally abused me for 2 years. The one who amplified my self-hatred, underconfidence, and fucked my head up so very well. I hadn't seen her in 6 years and thought she was just a distant memory, but as soon as I saw her I felt that old kick in my guts and I felt like that scared teenager again, who hated everything about himself and would do anything if it meant someone would actually like him. I instantly felt sickened by myself, hated the way I look and how I'm dressed. Thought I was less than everyone else in the entire world. She looked great, beautiful in fact, and as much as I wanted to give her some smart-ass "fuck you" reply my mouth just dried and I started shaking. I'm still shaking. I guess a beaten dog never forgets it's old master's tricks. I call myself a man but I guess I'm not if I'm still frightened of a woman who's half my size. I'm freaking out, don't know whether to cry, punch something, cut myself or worse. I have so many scars on my body that I made in a reaction to things she did. I tried to kill myself twice during that time. It's been 6 years since I broke free of her control and one look at her and I'm back there again. She was right, I am pathetic. All those things she said that I thought I'd managed to convince myself weren't true, but they are. I wish so much that there was someone here to hug me right now, I'd give anything for that I really would.