can't do this

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Malcontent, Mar 20, 2009.

  1. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    I bumped into my ex. The one who hit me and mentally abused me for 2 years. The one who amplified my self-hatred, underconfidence, and fucked my head up so very well. I hadn't seen her in 6 years and thought she was just a distant memory, but as soon as I saw her I felt that old kick in my guts and I felt like that scared teenager again, who hated everything about himself and would do anything if it meant someone would actually like him. I instantly felt sickened by myself, hated the way I look and how I'm dressed. Thought I was less than everyone else in the entire world. She looked great, beautiful in fact, and as much as I wanted to give her some smart-ass "fuck you" reply my mouth just dried and I started shaking. I'm still shaking. I guess a beaten dog never forgets it's old master's tricks. I call myself a man but I guess I'm not if I'm still frightened of a woman who's half my size. I'm freaking out, don't know whether to cry, punch something, cut myself or worse. I have so many scars on my body that I made in a reaction to things she did. I tried to kill myself twice during that time. It's been 6 years since I broke free of her control and one look at her and I'm back there again. She was right, I am pathetic. All those things she said that I thought I'd managed to convince myself weren't true, but they are. I wish so much that there was someone here to hug me right now, I'd give anything for that I really would.
     
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Bloody exes :mad:
    Know how this feels Mal, when I had to see Richard all the time it was like every rotten thing he had said would leap up and bite me.
    Got the same feeling when he emailed me the other day.
    Exes should move to some obscure deserted island and never be seen or heard from again.

    Here's the hug :hug:
     
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Malcontent. Exes can do that, can't they? I've felt much the same way when I've run into mine.

    You are not pathetic at all. You are worth so much more than the way she made you feel, hun! I hope you feel better soon. :hug:
     
  4. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    You've been hurt so badly by her. I can relate to so much of your post- but I hurt myself without even knowing she contributed so much, can you believe that?

    You don't need to be a man if a man means not realising how much you've been hurt and staying in a relationship that has damaged you so much- which is what you're doing- you broke away from her which was a huge huge step.

    You're scared of her because she hurt you so badly.

    You're not pathetic, you've been abused by your ex girlfriend- and it sounded like she had a whole load of problems herself which she transferred on to you through the abuse.

    I was wondering how you can see her as beautiful and yourself as everything she said, when she's done such horrible things to you- so horrible that they made you attempt suicide? How can someone do such things and be seen as beautiful/great by yourself? :sad:

    :hug: :hug:

    I had the same and do have the same reaction, really violent urges of self loathing/self harming when I come close to my father, so your post resonated with me. She's hurt you so badly and what you're feeling is so understandable and nothing to be ashamed of.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 20, 2009
  5. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    *gives chocolate*

    Malbert,

    Firstly give me a place where i can find this bitch :mad: I'll soon show her what it's liked to be hit, give her a taste of her own medicine :mad:

    Secondly, it's only natural that you would feel this way after seeing someone who not only physically but mental abused you for so long. What you gotta remember is that you broke free of that, your no longer under her control and thats a hell of an accomplishment. Not many people do get out but your one of the ones who did and you should be damn proud of yourself for it! You that your not a man because your scared of a woman half your size? Well i got news for ya Mally, us women can be fucking scary sometimes due to their pure mentalness! :tongue: the small ones are the worse :mad: all that madness in a small body can't be good! :eek:hmy: Think about this .... most of us are absolutely terrified of something smaller than ourselvs, wether it a spider to in some cases cheese :eek:hmy: but the point is that being something that is small in size than ourselvs doesn't make us any less human nor does being scared of a woman make you any less of a man.

    If you harm yourself then not only will i personally come and kick you up the arse your also letting her gain some kind of control. Its what she wanted when you were together and im guessing it's what the crazy bitch wants. Do not give her the satisfaction of it. You are a million times the person than she will ever be, NEVER let her tell you otherwise or bring you down to the point where you want to harm yourself. She's not worth spitting on if she was on fire to be perfectly honest.

    I've seen pictures of you and in no way should you hate the way you look! Since i'm not close enough ... and if i was i'd be on my way to yours to give you a MASSIVE hug ... and chocolate of course! but since i can't do that i'm gonna send you some hugs and let you know that i'm think of you and wubbles you to pieces.

    Terry's right, i say we all chip in and buy an island :mad: although i think we should go to the island as they'd probably have too much fun :eek:hmy:

    Wubbles you Malbert :wub: