Can't escape my feelings

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by someguy, Apr 18, 2010.

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  1. someguy

    someguy New Member

    I've had bouts of depression in the past, but about a year or so ago I decided it was no used being depressed. I got good at pushing bad thoughts out of my mind almost instantaneously (I should mention that my mother has major depressive disorder, and my brother has also struggled with depression, while my sister turned to drugs and alcohol for most of her life [once I went without hearing from her for years, same with my mother]).

    By not thinking about these things, I was lead to an alright life, I got by and had fun with friends while doing well in college.

    But now I'm a sophomore at college and I feel like I'm falling into a hole.

    I have quite a bit going for me, I'm doing well in school (perfect so far, I've even just finished an internship), I eat right (fruits, veggies, etc), and I'm physically fit.

    Yet, I'm recently plagued by horrible feelings of hopelessness all because of this.

    You see, I thought it would be a good idea to start trying to date again. Problem is, I've never really been that good at talking to women or people in general seriously (I have trust and vulnerability issues - probably something to do with my mother basically abandoning me in sixth grade [single parent, but I went to live with my dad after that], but I do my best not to let my past rule the future). I can joke around with them sometimes, but none of my good friends are women (in other words, the people I hang out with are men). And I have no problems making male friends.

    I mentioned that I do my best not to let my past rule my future, but I feel like it subconsciously might be doing just that. I had no problems making friends with women before sixth grade.

    I'm not sure if it's the traumatic experiences I had then (I kind of have trust issues with everyone), but when I mention my past to one of my best friends he always seems to get angry and tell me not to try and justify how my life is now (this makes me further depressed, since it seems like he doesn't quite care).

    But I agree with him, the only reason I want to know if this is the source is that addressing it may be the key to overcoming it.

    I've been forcing myself into situations where I talk to women, and even trying to be friends with them, but I still feel so far detached.

    I'm not sure why I'm posting here, it's just that recently all my attempts are ending in feelings of hopelessness. I've never had (at least not recently), feelings like this stretch over a period of weeks, and it leads me to be insomnia-tic at night (I can't get to bed before, 3-5 am). I've even been skipping classes, and working less on my academic life (this is bad in physics, very bad).

    The extra time I've tried to devote to becoming more human, taking time to do more hobbies and join clubs. I don't regret it, I enjoy my life more than I did.

    But for some reason the depressive episodes are getting more and more severe. I've thought about suicide daily for the past week, and I hate it (I'm too much of a coward to actually do it, it'd probably just end up being a cry for help that ends in some sort of physical injury, but even that scares me). I don't like these feelings, I want them to go away. But I can't, regardless of what I do they return before the day is through.

    The feelings center around my failed attempts at forming relationships with others, specifically women. What doesn't help is that my friend has no problem getting women to talk to him (he's attractive, strangers will stop their cars to try and talk to him), and while this hasn't affected me in the past, my recent attempts to push myself out their having failed are making me feel hopeless. Not to mention, I feel worthless.

    To clarify: Worthless as a human being, but maybe not as some sort of worker bee.

    I don't expect anyone to have the answers to my problems, they're mine to deal with and mine alone I suppose. I just wanted to get out the fact that I'm trying, I really am.
    I'm putting myself out there, it just isn't doing much to help.

    Thanks for listening.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry your depression is coming back I think getting on medication can help but also getting therapy to help you cope with relationships talking to women etc. A therapist will help you deal with the present as well as see why you are having troubles what the core of this is . May due to dwell on past issues to try to let them go a bit because they are still interfering with your living now. Time to get help before everything goes dark again okay. meds therapy try it might just help take care
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Is there a counselling service at your school? Maybe this might help...hopelessness is such a trap that you forget to look for hope at the time...maybe someone outside that you can trust can ask questions you cannot see now....big hugs, J
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