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Can't even afford to kill myself properly

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by aloner, Feb 23, 2008.

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  1. aloner

    aloner Active Member

    Thinking about borrowing some money so I can go buy a bottle of pills and be done with it. I can't stand being a grown up loser anymore. It's humiliating to be 22 and have absolutely nothing. I'm just a leach bleeding everyone else dry because I can't take care of myself. They would honestly be better off without me.

    I don't want any advice on this. Don't tell me to get a job because I've been trying and no one wants to hire a total mess. They just take my applcation and say they'll call and then they never do. I show up later to see what's going on and they tell me they don't need help anymore even though there is still a help wanted sign in the window. My debt continues to grow and I'm tired of asking for help.

    Everyone is pissed that I dropped out of school. I miss my friends. I miss the damn near perfect life I had that I threw away. Right now there is nothing to live for except my stupid family who constantly puts me down. I fucking hate them so much.

    That's the worst part is constantly feeling so much hate. It's not like me. It's worse than feeling lonely and sad by far. I hate the only people who are trying to help me because I don't want their help. Yet I still take advantage of them because right now there's no other way for me to survive. I hate the only person I've ever loved because it just didn't work out and he's moved on and forgotten about me. I should just be happy for him but instead I have urges to sabatoge him. I want to see him suffer. Like that would fix anything. What kind of person have I become?

    I KNOW it's not right but I just can't stop. There is something very wrong with me.

    I should seriously just die.
  2. super_dave31

    super_dave31 Member

    Well firstly you should ask them why the hell a sign is still oput saying help is needed

    Also all of your problems are temporary - you say you want your friends again - well, go and find them again then

    The pain of your ex partner - that hurts everyone, it will go
  3. perry_mason

    perry_mason Well-Known Member

    im afraid i havent really got any words of advice. however, i feel sorry for you and i hope things get better for you (find a job, socialize with some friends, etc)
  4. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    Hey aloner, I'm sorry to hear that, it must feel incredibly lonely. Just know that I'm wishing well for you, I'm sure there are others on this forum that would hate to see anything happen to you and are as well. Have you thought about enrolling into a community college? I'm not sure where you live but I believe many of them accept any applicants over the age of 18, you can work hard for a year or two and use the grades to transfer out to a 4-year institution, a lot of people use that method to get into the more prestigious schools. Nearly all of them offer financial aid for students who need it as well. It would give you something to work towards, to keep you occupied and you would get to meet new people. Your family may see you in a better light for it as well. I met a lawyer around the time I was learning to drive and he said he didn't start college until he was 26 and he's very well-off now. Try not to let age discourage you, you still have plenty of time.
  5. I feel the same way.... I don't have enough money to kill my self the way I want. I live with my neighbors and my grandma died in hurricane Katrina and my dad died in the Twin Towers. So I am poor and can't afford to buy a gun to kill my self with. I want to kill my physical self so it can match my soul...
  6. sugar&spice

    sugar&spice Guest

    did this rong...
  7. sugar&spice

    sugar&spice Guest

    i kinda understand wot u r goin thro... as i aint had many friends... n i owe alot of money.... i dont live at home anymore so i hav 2 afford rent n food n stuf... as wel as goin 2 colege.

    i rekon this is a gd idea because it gives u a chance to gain achieveement n stuff....
    good luck n keep in touch...

    post the news ok.. good luck xx
  8. aloner

    aloner Active Member

    I'm so sure. There is no way I'm ever going to get better.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 23, 2008
  9. Stylez

    Stylez Well-Known Member

    just the fact that you have an outlet like the forums is a great step forward. But a forum and a real person with a live body and/or voice is different. I think you and everybody who suffers from depression to this level needs some counceling to just get them through their life at the moment. The MOMENT is the key word here girl...live each moment till you live each day. listen to audio podcasts, audio books, join a skypecast, write poetry, learn the piano, etc. FIND something to live for. look up an excellent psych. that would able to help you with your brain chemistry. Because i feel the majority of people with suicidal thoughts continuously for over a week or two has chronic depression and this can be greatly reduced with the right mix of meds. You have nothing to lose here girl, except a potentially better life! Stay safe, and pm me when you ever need to talk.
  10. Bloodrose

    Bloodrose Member

    I'm sorry to hear what you're undergoing. People have a mean streak, and lashing out at you does no good for them either. But don't compare yourself to others, or who you used to be, and never lose infinite hope.

    Always play the game of life as if you can win, regardless of how many failures you have, or long it takes; because if you don't, you've lost it anyway.

    (Ya, I know I'm saying something thats extemely hard to carry out, see a counselor, try your best, pray, hope, and love. Thats all anyone can do.)
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