Can't even do that right.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ozinuk, May 2, 2009.

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  1. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    Well here I am back at home after 4 days in hospital after having a heart attack (mild) my neighbour called the ambulance after seeing me keel over in the back yard ( I had absolutely no desire to call them) laying there accepting my fate(couldn't even do that right). The cardiologist diagnosed acute pericaditis and inflammation of the pericardium which in turn stops the heard from pumping effectively. The cardiologist put in a call to my wife in india and explained the situation saying for the short term I needed someone around and she urged her to return home, she told the Dr she was to busy to return (this is the result in trusting and believing in someone) and would get her mother (80yr old) to call in and check me I put a stop to that.

    I was told today that they would admit me on tuesday to drain the fluid to prevent another heart attack BUT to everyone's shock I have refused any further treatment. Now my fate is sealed when it happens there will be no stigma attached for my wife or my children and family in Australia and besides I have a do not resuscitate on my file which my wife has always been aware of.

    I thanked my neighbour for showing concern but have asked then not to do it again It's been so long since I have looked forward to something and basically I only have to wait it is finally within reach.
  2. Roads

    Roads Active Member

    If you don't want to live, then that's how it is I guess. I guess, be grateful there's a natural cause you're fortunate enough to have that's going to take you out of this place and you wont have to do it by your own hand.
  3. Chernarus

    Chernarus Well-Known Member

    i wonder if that is suicide in gods eyes, or if you do beleive in god or some other higher being(s).
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    When I think about how cruel your wife has been to you, and how much the world in general has let you down, all I can do is cry. I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. You don't deserve any of it.
  5. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    Karma that's what it is I'm only getting what I deserve. Looking back on my life there hasn't been much (apart from the birth of my two daughters) which has been a positive I know what you are going to say "You have your daughters/family" true BUT I have let them all down and let them down badly. I came to the UK on holiday and ended up getting married........ I left my daughters I left my family to be here that alone I cannot forgive myself for. So this is Karma.

    I spoke to my old unit Chaplin again on Saturday and explained to him how it's going to be and he said he's not surprised at my method "I told him it would save my family from the added embarrassment (I am that anyway) of a suicide in the family" he asked who else knew about my medical condition "only god, you and the doctor no family members, relatives or friends" I told him. It's funny my wife etc have intervened on every occasion, she can't do it if she doesn't know about it and now it's a waiting game, a matter of time it's inevitable.:sad:

    As I've said before when St Peter meets me at the pearly gates to to judge me and asks me if I'm prepared for hell I will reply I'm sorry St Pete but I've spent the last 10 yrs there.
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Do you get the chance to talk to your daughters or your family at all? Do you know if they're angry with you, or if they forgive you for leaving?

    My dad and I have a really rocky relationship. He left when I was little, to go and get remarried. We've gotten past that, because I know he was doing what he thought would make him happy. We still argue a lot, just because we don't see eye to eye on a lot of issues.

    He's got a health condition that he won't seek treatment for (sleep apnea). Even though we haven't always been that close, one of the things that scares me most in life is that he might die.

    And I know it's not the same thing. PLEASE don't think that's why I posted. I know they're two totally different situations. But I hope you can reach out to your daughters, even if it's just to talk to them, let them know you love them, give them the chance to let you know how they feel. Because I know how I would feel if something happened to my dad, and so I can imagine how they would feel if they heard something happened to you, and they didn't get a chance to talk to you.
  7. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    I speak to my daughters and family every chance I get, my family more often because both my daughters are in the army and they're not always contactable.
    My daughters and my family have never said anything about me coming to the UK they have always supported my decision BUT it's not them who blame me for my move it's me. I've missed out on so many of the important moments of their lives both my daughters debut balls, 18th birthdays, 21st birthdays, may parents 70th birthdays, their 50th wedding anniversary, my brothers 40th birthday, my nieces 13th and 16th birthdays, my niece playing a piano solo at the Sydney opera house the list goes on and on and the more I think of the milestones of all their lives I have not been there to celebrate and share with them I can never make up for that I cannot forgive myself for letting them down I truly cannot. What sort of father, son, brother, uncle can do that.

    I live with this guilt and the memory of their disappointment at me not being able to make it back for these events it haunts me it follows me I am tortured by the things I've done or not done. You know just writing about these things have invoked memories so painful I want it to be over and done with. I am not the person they knew, I am not the person I knew, very little is left.................. I've tried to understand their forgiveness but cannot find forgiveness for myself.:mad:
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I'm sorry this topic is bringing back more painful memories. And I know there are no words that can erase the guilt or take the pain away. I can only say what I know from personal experience.

    My dad missed a lot of those things in my life too. But people make mistakes. Nobody's perfect, or even close to it. Your family doesn't hold all those things against you because they love you, and I'm sure they know you weren't deliberately setting out to hurt them.

    You're not a bad person, or a bad father, son, brother, or uncle. You can't take back the past, but there are still going to be milestones in their lives ... birthdays, parties, anniversaries ... things you could be there for now. You say you're not the person anyone knew, that there is little of that person left. But you're a good person, a decent human being who's just suffering through too much pain.

    I remember you saying in a past topic that you wouldn't leave your wife permanently and go back to Australia. But could you go back for a visit? If she won't go with you, go by yourself. She's let you down, and you don't owe her anything. But maybe being back there with your family, surrounded by the people that care about you the most, might ease some of your pain.
  9. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    Well I spoke to my cardiologist on friday and she warned me that no action ie medication or surgery was inadvisable she explained the consequences but I explained to her that medical treatment was not an option and she'd be better of taking care of some one more worthy of her treatment. My wife protested about my decision and the Dr said it was tantamount to suicide I explained it was my decision my choice and would no longer be needing her service I thanked her for her help and concern and I left.

    It's so much easier when your fate has been sealed and the inevitable will happen, it's much more of a relief to know that people will not have to suffer the shame of a family member ending it by their own hand natural causes seems much more palatable. I can now look forward to something more positive happening nature doing what I failed to do.
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I don't know what to say, but I wanted you to know I read your post, and I care.
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