I'm supposed to prepare my suitcase now. I don't have the strength or mind to do so. Hell, I don't have the strength to write what I'm writing now, and I'm writing with half my mind to be excact. Tell me, isn't it just beyond horrible when you hate yourself so much you want to scream but you can't because it won't ever be loudly enough to express your hatred? Isn't it horrific when you hate yourself so much that you want to keep hurting and hurting, because you feel like you weren't made to feel anything other that? This isn't enough to describe it now. At all. I was out earlier, literally drowning in my negative thoughts, so much I couldn't breathe. I hate pittying myself. I can't stand it. But at the same time I can't help it. I was looking at other people, how they were gathered in groups, having fun, laughing - something I have been working on and faking for far too long- and then all I could think of was "Hah, no wonder people avoid being friends with me. No wonder guys treat me like trash. I am trash after all. There's not a single thing about me that's worth anybody's attention. It wouldn't be different if I wasn't here at all. I'm not good at talking with other people, I can't be myself with anyone, I'm just plain stupid. I'm ashamed to be me." I know other people have it harder. But they've managed to stand strong. I can't. I'm sick of trying to pretend things I'm not. Right now I just want to lie down and pass away. I'm so damn tired. I'm so tired of doing things for other people all my life and not even getting respect in return. At least now I have my answer to the "Why can't I be happy like all these other people?" It's because I'm not worth that happiness. I'm not special in any way. I feel ashamed and, bad, because someone else of much more worth could have lived instead of me, because, after all, I'm wasting it away. I don't know. I really want to do it tonight. No one will know anyway.