Can't fight anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nessielo, Jul 22, 2015.

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  1. nessielo

    nessielo New Member

    Hello. I just want to share my story because I cant keep it inside me anymore.
    First of all I want to say that anyone who says that money isn't everyhing or that they cant buy happiness is an idiot. If it wasn't the money issue i would never think about suicide.
    Just to clarify Im not saying that I need a 20 million mansion with 10 pools, 20 bedrooms or a designer clothes etc. I just wanted to have enough for food and bills.
    My family always had problems with money. Since I can remember we didnt have enough even for food. I often cried because my stomach hurt 'cause I was hungry but there was NOTHING in our fridge. Some days there were only one meal a day and it was bread, plain bread and nothing else. There were problems with bills also. I remember my neighbours raising money for us to pay the rent because we were close to lose our home.
    I was bullied during all school years, mostly because my clothes. I was always wearing some of my fathers t-shirts or my mothers sweatshirts, had one pair of jeans and one pair of shoes that had to last for a year or even longer. I can still hear the laugh of kids in my head, talking behind my back. If they weren't laughing about clothes, I heard that Im ugly a lot. My biggest problem were my crooked teeth, I begged my parents for a braces but they were stalling for so long, when they finally took me to the orthodontics I was no longer qualifying for free braces and my parents would have to pay for them. Obviously they didn't have the money so I was left with my biggest nightmare. I never smiled and I still dont.
    I never had a friend. At first it was because nobody wanted to be friends with me and later all that bullying led me to social anxiety and I didnt want to be around people anymore.
    On top of that my mother had a shizophrenia, she was on meds that made her sleepy all the time so she wasnt around much. She also had a few epizodes, really terrifying for a 10 yr old, and she had to be put in a mental institution few times.
    I dont know how to describe my father...he was cheating on my mum, had a kid with another woman, was very controlling towards me. I was 18 and my curfew was still at 7pm. If I was even a minute late, I was grounded. Ond day I finally stood up and after a big argument he changed my curfew to 10pm. I remember he wasn't talking to me for few months after that.
    When I was 20 I got married, we have a daughter and they are the best thing that ever happened to me. I thought that everything will be fine but Im 30 now and my life is still a misery.
    I was working in a busy factory for few years. From day one I was bullied again. I tried to ignore that and just worked hard. After some time people even started to like me but when I was trained and promoted to a team leader, everything went bad again. People was simply jealous, why me, not them. They were lazy as hell and moaning about everyhing all the time, that's why, but they didnt see that. Soon they were spreading rumours that I had to sleep with someone from management otherwise I wouldnt get that job etc. They were laughing and talking behind my back all over again. After two years I was so stressed that first thing I did every morning was throwing up. I managed to work there two more years but one day if was just too much for me and I left. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety, got my meds and i was hoping everything will be allright, but it wasn't. My doctor prescribed me antidepressants even tho I wasn't depresed, it was pure anxiety. He said it will help, it didnt so i went back and he changed for another antidepressants. They didnt work either. I was still scared of my own shadow, scared to leave the house. When I told the doctor it's not working either i heard that meds are effective only for 60% of people and if its not helping me that means Im in those 40%. Basically it sounded like there is no hope for me.
    Now when Im without a job, we are struggling with money again. I really want to help my husband and go to work but I cant. I was strong for as long as I could but now there is no strenght left. People have destroyed me.
    I dont really understand why all this happened to me. I was always a nice person, maybe too nice and people took often advantage of that. I helped when I could, never talked behind someones back. I was quiet type of person, mostly because I didnt have much in common with most of people. All they were talking about was some stupid tv shows i never watched, or clothes, expensive holidays, gossips etc...nothing really interesting. I was/am totally different. I like to read books, Im not clubbing/partying, not drinking alcohol, do drugs, my biggest passion are dogs so I guess I was boring.
    My biggest problem right now is that I want to live but I want to die. I want to live for my husband and my daughter, I love them very much and I know they would be devastated if I'd died. I want to live because i love dogs and I always hoped that I could get one, but it always comes down to money I dont have. Cant buy a house, cant have a dog because my landlord doesnt allow them. I wanted to volounteer in a shelter but its far from my house, dont have a car, even driving license and cant waste money on bus fares. I dont want to live anymore because there is no life in me left. All i have been trough it was too much for me and I cant take it anymore. I dont have any hope left that someday it will get better, because propably it won't. The funniest thing is I even started to believe in God. I prayed do hard, I begged for help but even he doesn't care about me.
    Im sorry for the lenght of my post, I had to throw it from my chest. I'd be happy if even one person would read that. I just had to share it because nobody knows what I have been trough, even my husband. I didnt tell him because I didnt want him to pity me and I didnt want anyone think that Im weak.
    I just have one favor for you. Do not be a bully. You never know what the other person have been trough and one word too much can push them off the edge.
  2. Inanimate

    Inanimate Well-Known Member

    Don't worry about the length of your post because every detail is important. I don't think you're weak at all. You've endured all the bullying, the isolation, the hardships, and the pain, and you're still alive. That alone makes you strong, at least in my opinion.
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