Can't figure out my girlfriend - lies?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by jw65, Sep 22, 2011.

  1. jw65

    jw65 New Member

    I have depression which has crippled me emotionally over the years, affecting my behaviour but also my thought processes, and need an impartial opinion.

    I met my current partner eight years ago. She had just been through a series of events whereby her then-boyfriend (affair, really), a result of an unhappy marriage, had basically kidnapped and subjected her to a series of terrible circumstances, threatening her, blackmailing her, stealing her property and car (selling them for profit) rape and various sexual crimes. These included making her go to 'parties' where she 'had' to sleep with his 'friends'.

    She says that she used to be highly sexed and played around, but that this ex's treatment was totally different, and anyway now she is satisfied with me sexually. But I don't believe what she says. I have been tolerant and accepted her story. She kept altering her story about the parties and the number of times it happened, and also the sex she used to have with men before these events?

    Why can someone's 'memories' change from the previous version/s when pressed for answers (all new relationships do, surely?)

    The thing is, over the years she has genuinely suffered agoraphobia and memory failure, but as she has got better, has often showed off to her visiting friends and made lewd sexual remarks, as if nothing has happened?

    I feel that I don't trust her, and am being lied to about the sex (which I don't know if she actually enjoyed or willingly acted in?), the number of times it happened, etc, and if her past, though genuine enough as I met Police and went to court for the ex's conviction, is true?

    I have also suffered depression for decades, and family suicide. I really don't know what to think, I'm going back to wanting to be single and possibly thinking about just going...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 22, 2011
  2. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    Sometimes its very hard to sort through somebody else past. And maybe its not as important as to find if your relationship is still emotionally healthy for you or if not, if you can work together to make it so. Sometimes we can feel compassion and understand why somebody hurt us in the way they do, but you have also a responsibility toward your well-being and not let yourself being trampled.
     
  3. jw65

    jw65 New Member

    I'm torn between being distrustful, disgusted and feeling ripped off, no matter how hard I try to ignore her/someone else's past before me. I just can't get past it all, and feel like the 'last resort' guy because she hit hard times.
     
  4. jw65

    jw65 New Member

    No other advice? Thanks for advice in a personal crisis.
     
  5. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    I can tell you, I have been through quite a bit in my life and a lot of it I still don't remember the details.
    Sometimes, when recalling these events I feel like I may be remembering someone or something about it that I didn't remember before, so while I'm being accused of "adding to my story", I'm only just remembering more of it.

    I try not to talk about these new memories with anyone other than my husband, or myself in my journal until I have done the research, talked to those involved and searched within myself to make sure these memories are real, and are not pseudo-memories brought on by my environment; meaning that if I see or hear about something similar to what I went through, my mind may try filling in the blanks, replacing the parts I don't remember with new fake memories to fill in the holes I've been so desperately trying to fill with facts that I have yet to recover.

    This is not something I intentionally do, it's something my subconscious does for me, in effort to help me move on. This is how it's always been explained to me, and it sounds like she may be dealing with something similar. If she isn't in therapy, she needs to be. They can help her to recover whatever it is she has suppressed. And judging by the little you told us, what she went through was so horrific that there is no way she got through it without suppressing something.
     
  6. jw65

    jw65 New Member

    Thanks, jadedmaggi, for your detailed reply.

    I understand what you say, but I still have problems feeling close to her as I feel I'm still being lied to, the same way that my nasty ex-wife was (that's another story).
    She was getting a lot of therapy but not now. Maybe she feels more confident about life.

    My current girlfriend says that she did as this guy 'ordered' due to blackmail, for fear of him showing her husband- whom she says she didn't love or care for- snaps of them together which she was unaware of.
    So she scr**s several men at 'parties' etc so that the 'hated' hubby doesn't get to see the snaps? How does that make sense if she was 'raped'?
    She went there in NOT slutty clothes, unsmiling, and never verbally encouraged them, did she? Yeh, right, going by her sex life anyway at the time!

    Then, why would she tell me she had deliberately held info regarding this to the Police and Courts? She has, over time, contradicted herself regarding various other sex details on other occasions.

    It just doesn't add up.
     
  7. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, I have seen women make up horrific stories to attempt to explain away their actions. I try not to think about it because it makes a mockery of women like me, who have been through hell.
    I had one friend in particular who I only recently learned never suffered the things she told me and a few others she had. She told us of repetitive rapes, drug induced coma, parental abuse and other things too terrible to mention. None of those things had ever happened. I learned the truth after an attention seeking suicide attempt, where she drove her car into the partition on the interstate at 25 mph (the speed limit was 75).
    I rushed to the hospital and her father, step mother and grandmother were there waiting for me. I asked them if this was due to the abuse, the rapes or maybe something in her brain chemistry changed in the coma. They all looked at me like I was retarded, this was all new news to them. They explained that she grew up in a safe neighborhood in the suburbs with her mother and father until she was 15, when they divorced she moved here to Texas with her father. She was a straight A student and mostly kept to herself, she had never lived with anyone other than one or both of her parents, had had no major health issues all her life and other than staying the night with friends on the weekends from time to time, she had never been away from her father. The only thing he confirmed was a step-father who molested her from age 15 to age 16 that she never told anyone about until there were fluids to prove the abuse. She added the rest to try to justify not reporting him when the abuse started. Her lies were told so often that a part of her even believed them.

    I'm not in any way saying that this is what's going on with your GF, she has court reports and police reports to prove it you mentioned. Just suggesting that perhaps her own guilt for "letting" herself be a victim makes her feel the need to add to it, make it seem worse than it is so that she can justify what she feels was a choice she made.

    Women tend to blame ourselves when we are raped, I remember when it happened to me I was drunk at a bar and blamed myself, saying that it would not have happened if I hadn't put myself in that dangerous situation. I called it accepting responsibility for my own actions, when really it was an excuse not to report him to the police simply because I didn't want to have to sit in a court room and be treated like a lush or some kind of w**r* by some defense lawyer, torn to pieces in front of my family and friends.