Can't find a reason to live.

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by sunkitten, Oct 19, 2014.

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  1. sunkitten

    sunkitten New Member

    Hi. I'm not sure whether I really fit in here as the bulk of the posters seem to be quite young.

    I'm 54, soon to be 55, and disabled from scoliosis which my parents neglected for three years during childhood. My family is all dead now, with the last one to go being my narcissistic/sociopathic father almost six years ago.

    I've dealt with suicidal feelings since my late teens, having grown up in a home where my father was very abusive to me. Financial, sexual, emotional and physical abuse. After my mother died, my father began developing health "problems" (most of these were as a result of his own lifestyle), and he also coerced me out of almost everything my mother left to me within two weeks of her death. He didn't seem to grieve at all for her. Because I had no money, and my mother had left her half of the house to me, I continued to live there until her half-brother left me some money, which allowed me to enroll in a university sixty miles from home and to eventually move here. My father developed a terminal illness six years after my move, and I foolishly offered to let him live with me with the proviso that he would pay for his expenses and any outside caregiving he might need. The house was sold, and only a few days after he'd moved into my apartment I found a letter from his real-estate lawyer indicating that they'd sent him a check for the entire amount due from the house sale; he'd already deposited it in his own account, and when I asked him why I hadn't received half of the money he told me I "didn't deserve it". I also couldn't continue with school because he now required 24/7 care. It became obvious that he held it against me that I'd moved away, obvious that his agenda was to make my caregiving experience as horrible as he could. He told me I'd "ruined his life" (by my being disabled and by not giving up my own chance at a life to attend university) and now he was going to ruin mine.

    During the year he lived with me before finally having to go into a nursing home, he assaulted me several times (grabbing me in private places, and wrenching my arm so badly I sustained a rotator cuff injury), refused to give me enough money to cover the bills every month, and would tell his new health care team that I was lazy and didn't do enough for him. He had one brother still living, and that brother had developed dementia and had moved in with his stepdaughter around the same time my father moved in with me. This stepdaughter hadn't bothered with my father at all for many years, but now that my father was living within driving distance began visiting him and hinting around about wanting some land my father owned. After my father went into the nursing home, I found a job but my hours were unpredictable and long, and the job didn't pay very well. Because I had to work evenings and had limited time to do errands for my father and take him places, his brother's stepdaughter decided to take advantage of this and began pressuring my father to make her his financial power of attorney, to change his will to make her the beneficiary, and she told him many lies in order to accomplish this. Eight months before his death my father did give her his financial POA, and when I asked him why, he said it was because she "brought him cookies and took him places". Her husband was self-employed and was easily able to take time away from his business during the day to do favours for my father.

    When my father died, I found out that at least he hadn't changed his will, but he might as well have. What he'd done instead was to reward my uncle's stepdaughter for her cookies and visits by making her the beneficiary of his retirement fund, at the same time he'd given her his financial POA. She'd had all his mail redirected to her house, and over the four years after his death repeatedly refused to give me the estate documents so that I could have probate done. Finally last year I decided to go ahead with probate without these documents. During the very week that probate was completed, my uncle's stepdaughter showed up at my apartment door waving around a folder full of opened mail for the estate, the mail she'd refused to give me for all those years, and she demanded the name of my probate lawyer so she could give him the documents directly. He called me two days later, saying she'd shown up in his office with among other things, a tax bill for the money she'd received ($250,000), and he told me that by law the estate had to pay the tax on it. All the money my father had in the bank, plus the proceeds from selling his land, will have to go to the government in taxes.

    I had to leave my job last year because of chronic pain, from the scoliosis, and due to my age and disability it's been difficult to find another job. My money is running out, I have no support here in this city, no friends or family to help. More than half the small annuity I receive every month goes to pain medication and student loan repayments, leaving me not enough to pay rent on even a small room. I am at the end of my rope and can't see any way out of this situation; to sue my uncle's stepdaughter in court would take money I don't have.

    I'm very afraid of becoming homeless, especially at my age and with a disability. There is a five-year waiting list for subsidized housing here, and I'm out of options. I apply for any job I could do, but don't even get considered. I have two beloved, elderly cats, and they've been my only reason to keep going after the devastating news I got last year about the estate.

    I can't find a reason now to keep trying.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Your life is important and remember that. DO NOT UPON YOUR FEELINGS. You going through a tough time but isn't any charity organisation who can help you. YOU DESERVE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE even with your health complications. You have had a hard life, as described in your post, but surely that PROVES YOUR A SURVIVOR. Families are tough but you got through it. I implore that you do not do anything and keep posting here for support. Please take care of yourself.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I just wanted to say hi, and welcome to the forum. I really hope you can find the strength to keep going. Please reach out here for support if you need it. As Incrisis99 mentioned... are there any organizations that could possibly help you?
  4. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    This sux. sorry. but you have to forgive them and move on, though I know this is hard to do.
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