can't find a reason to live

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by shazwackers, May 12, 2010.

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  1. shazwackers

    shazwackers Well-Known Member

    am I the only one here who does not feel we owe it to others to stay alive? If my family, whom I am very close to, 3 sisters and 2 brothers, had a terminal physical illness, I would wish them a quick painless release, and I see my condition in the same way, only mental.

    They would miss me but know that I am out of this awful mental anguish.

    I have bipolar and have been pro-death since I was a child. I've only been able to live, knowing I could die if needed.

    I have many 'happy'days with friends and family where I am dying inside. I am so good at putting on the smiley, serene face.

    I now have a suicide plan that does not involve meds, and it should work.

    I see a pdoc fornightly and a mh careworker twice a week. I had 6 years of CBT which helped a little but not the suicidal ideation.

    They now want me to do a course of MBT which lasts for a year but it just seems like putting off the inevitable. Ive joined here instead of ringing the samaritans as I have not really found them very helpful in the past.

    Thank you for listening,

  2. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Hi Shaz,

    I can relate to a lot of how you're feeling :hug:.

    I'm not familiar with MBT but it may be worth looking into. You never know what benefits it could bring.

    Best of luck :hug:.
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    If I were to go off the title of your thread. Maybe your reason Do live is to find a reason to live. Kind of redundant but hey why not.

    To answer your actual thread. You owe yourself happiness more than you should spare their feelings. If you feel this is the only way that is your choice.

    Hearing that the CBT helped you, even a little gives me hope for myself. This MBT program might help more. What do you have to lose? Another year, that seems a small price to pay to say you tried everything, in my opinion.
  4. lonercarrot

    lonercarrot Well-Known Member

    I feel unless you have children or a wife or girlfriend (or husband or boyfriend), your life doesn't matter.. At least not enough to only live for the sake of others
  5. shazwackers

    shazwackers Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your replies guys.

    Yes CBT did help with a lot of things but not the suicidal ideation. I was full of self loathing and it helped a great deal putting that into perspective.

    My pdoc has put me on lithium which I have avoided all my life because my mum was on it for 30 years and she ended up taking her own life. He says lithium is the only drug that helps curtail suicide feelings but thats hard to believe when it is so ingrained in me.

    I agree with you that it only really makes a difference when you have parents alive, or children. I am very close to my family but they would never let me live with them and shatter their perfect ilttle lives which I understand. I have enough trouble living with me so wouldnt expect anyone else to.

    thanks again,

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