can't find a reason v.v

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RainbowBrony, May 24, 2014.

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  1. RainbowBrony

    RainbowBrony Member

    I hope I'm posting this in the right place, as this is my first post on this site. I promised someone that I would try talking to some people here before I did anything rash. I've been contemplating suicide for many years now. But every time I've come close to actually following through another person showed up to tell me they loved me.. or I found hope in something that would turn out to be a dead end (no pun intended) I'm only 18, but I feel as though I've been alive and alone for thousands of years v.v I had hope in music, but it's proven only to be a quick fix, I had hope in love, but I've ended up hurting anyone who's tried to get close to me and no one could ever get past the walls I've made to protect myself, I even found hope once in helping others, trying to make someone else's life better because my own wasn't worth my time... I've come to the realization that no one will ever be able to love me enough to get past my barriers (one of which is an extremely mean attitude I take on around them to try and push them away) I mean, I can't even love myself so how can I expect someone else to love me the way I love them? Idk... everything just feels hopeless, like I'll be alone forever, like I'll be in pain forever and there will never be someone who can make it go away... I'm not strong enough to do it alone... and everyone who claims they want to help gives up, fails to see they didn't help, or runs away when they find out that I'm a hopeless case... so now the only thing i can think to do is end it... then I'd be done hurting so much. For my entire life I've been the cause of my own suffering, and I don't have the strength to change myself and no one on this earth would want to invest enough in me to actually help... so I can't find much of a reason to keep going on...
  2. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    sometimes, you have to start with the small things. i'm talking things that you do on a daily bases that you would be lost without. see for me, it's music. i'm not dead yet because i've got such a love for music. i can't see myyself without it.

    then work on bigger stuff. goals, things you wish to do, etc etc.

    so sorry people have treated you like that- i'm much the same way in which, people just seem me as a burden and if i'm gone, perhaps it's best on everyone involved.

    help seemed to have failed me too. i'm now 25, but i feel like i've been alone and lost ffor millions of years- so pretty much the same boat.

    hope this forum helps in some way.

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think it is hard for friends and people that care about us to separate themselves from the pain they see and feel for us hun It is better for us to get professional help someone that can be detached and more open to stay with us through all the pain and step by step change happens.
  4. RainbowBrony

    RainbowBrony Member

    I've spent a lot of time with professionals, quite a few different ones, been on a couple different medications, non of it made a difference...
    Last edited by a moderator: May 24, 2014
  5. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I will agree that you will never find anybody to fix you because it is impossible to "fix" somebody that does not want it. I have seen many many people like you that explain people run away after a short while and at the same time admit they push them away and there are an equal number of people that are just as upset that people/family/loved ones will not just leave them alone and always intrude.

    The common theme is the same - it has very little to do with anybody else and a whole lot to do with you and how you react to others and situations. I also see a LOT of people claiming that medications and professionals don't do any good and is very common they stiopped with all of it a few months before so I would question if they were not helping why things have gone down hill since they stopped seeking professional help or taking medications.

    The bottom line is until you decide to allow yourself to be helped by professionals and by others in general and most importantly by yourself you will not change. You clearly want to despite your words or there would be no reason to have written any of this at all so it is more likely a case of you do nto know how to help yourself or let others help you. For that there is a fix which is simply continue to talk and reach out, accept nobody is going to fix anything, no drug or therapy is going to make you spontaneously happy, that all are simply going to make it a little easier to cope from time to time while you learn what you need to fix yourself. So take the small bits of help when you can as graciously as you can manage and try to think of the very small changes you can make for yourself that do not require a lot of effort- like saying thank you as an automatic response so people are encouraged to not abandon you when you really need it, making yourself go for a walk or get out for a few minutes when feel like isolating and start dwelling on dark thoughts instead of dwelling on them, deciding not to listen to the dark gloomy music when in that mood because we all for some reason like being in that place and intentionally push ourselves further into it, etc.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  6. crystalclear

    crystalclear Well-Known Member

    Hi there :) Can you please tell us where all of this came from? From your post I can feel that you're really lonely. I know it's hard to let people in. I understand I really do. Letting people in terrifies me too. But erecting a wall between yourself and the world won't decrease your loneliness it will intensify it. It also sounds to me that you have a lot of people willing to be there for you :)

    Those people, you said they gave up. Maybe they just don't know what to do about your situation either. They maybe at loss as how to help you. You may be expecting a lot from them so they feel pressure. If you want people to break into your walls then maybe you can make that wall a little thinner? :)

    I understand that you're just trying to protect yourself and you're afraid to get hurt. But you see, by pushing people away you're only hurting yourself more.
    Sometimes professionals and medications won't work but a good friend does. :) You will find that someone, that way you can live up to your name, Rainbow :)
  7. CanesFam

    CanesFam Member

    I've felt like this before. I've been in 3 relationships that lasted a year before I ended them all abruptly because I felt really depressed at the moment. I regret it every day with everyone of them. I hated myself and thought how could they ever like me... But in the past few months, I've found hope and love in some personal things and my passions. Just a suggestion, but what are your interests besides music? I'm sure you're a very bright and intelligent person
  8. RainbowBrony

    RainbowBrony Member

    I realize that making walls won't help with any loneliness, but I physically can't tear them down, or even weaken them... I guess what I really want is for someone to do for me what I do for others... When someone comes to me with a problem, there's no wall I can't tear down, there's nothing I can't do, I'll fight for them till the bitter end... but there's no one who's able to/willing to fight hard enough to tear down my own walls.

    I know that pushing people away doesn't help, but I honestly don't know how to let people in...
  9. CanesFam

    CanesFam Member

    Those people are out there... Trust me
  10. RainbowBrony

    RainbowBrony Member

    The problem is that I'm asking the impossible of someone else when I say I want someone to tear the walls down, because of how thick they are. I can tell you honestly that no one can break it, nor would anyone have the motivation to...

    you were asking about some of my other interests besides music earlier, I guess gaming counts, I love the arts, creativity lol it's just really awesome, and watching anime. That's all I can really think of haha..
  11. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Hello, I agree with what Emily says I think it is key you get into things you enjoy and use them as an escape and to learn to express yourself and learn more about you. Then slowly find groups local to you that do these things, and maybe you could meet more like minded people that share common interests.

    Just a thought

  12. CanesFam

    CanesFam Member

    I feel the same way sometimes, I may be an optimist though because I think there is someone out there who will do anything to break down those walls. I know these walls aren't a physical thing but feel like it, and you can compare it to trying to dig a hole through one side of the earth to the other for one person, but they could also be paper thin for a true love to break through.

    Sure gaming counts, and so do the arts. Have you ever created any art yourself? Or write / create any anime stories yourself?
  13. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    You haven't posted in the wrong place. But I think you're getting too much advice here. All of the above statements in your post appear to express thoughts of suicide. That's the biggest issue now. I think you should talk with a professional first, to make sure you are not in danger. The other stuff, you can try to solve later.

    Best wishes to you. You are always welcome to share here.
  14. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi RainbowB - pleased to meet you and that you are asking for advice as to how to tear down your own walls without pushing away the person who would try to help you to understand how to do it. I think the problem may be the 'how to's', am I right? I promise you that there is a method, I can PM you the details of the counsellor who taught me the how to's that have saved my mind, my marriage, my life and my soul. I promise you that it is worth it, please never give up the search, because, despite the obstacles your mind might foresee, it is possible to turn your mind into your best friend :)
  15. RainbowBrony

    RainbowBrony Member

    That's kinda where the problem is though.. True love doesn't exist for me, no one will EVER be able to love me like that because I can't even love me like that.
    I've never been able to make any art, but I have written a lot, never completed anything lol

    I don't have the money or resources to talk to a professional, and even if I did I'd be doing the same thing I've done a million times before... no professional has ever been able to help...

    Like I was saying, I've been to tons of counselors and psychologists, none of which were ever able to help me get anywhere close to tearing down the walls... anyways, to break the last one is the most impossible part... it's a dark ball completely surrounding me that I've lived in forever... every attempt to break it just bounces right off, and I can't do anything to escape... I can't move... I don't think a counselor will ever be able to help with that v.v
  16. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I promise you that this counsellor is unique in his approach and that people are contacting him worldwide on Skype for advice on how to make their minds their friends. It is to do with beliefs - and you seem to have it firmly fixed in your bank of beliefs that no counsellor will ever be able to break down said walls. As long as you choose to hold that belief, you are probably right RB. You can make the choice to let that belief go - and learn mental and emotional skills for it never to return :)
  17. RainbowBrony

    RainbowBrony Member

    I can't just let that belief go... that would require me to actually care about myself and want to do something to help myself get better... I can't find the motivation to even fake caring. I'm just... kinda done....
  18. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    I still have a feeling you could be in trouble. It doesn't take money to see someone if there is an emergency.

    No one here can do what you need to do. No one here even really knows what you need. Only you are in a position to know these things. A-back-and-forth exchange where none of the suggestions here work for you, is what I see developing now. Really, it's up to you.

    You have a right to not want other people's advice or help--It's your life, not mine or anyone else's. To be a responsible member on this forum, I still have to say that a doctor, hospital, or other professional can do more for you than I can. Everyone here will look forward to reading about when you have seen someone and how it went.

    You are always welcome to share here, and best wishes to you. :)
  19. RainbowBrony

    RainbowBrony Member

    I appreciate all of the advice that's been given! The reason I posted anything in the first place was because I wanted to hear some advice from someone else because I've found that everything I've tried has failed. I'm not meaning to be difficult, I'm just being honest when I say that I've tried something, or that I know something wouldn't work. I do want others advice, I'm looking for something I may have overlooked myself, some other option that wasn't there before. Unfortunately so far everything that's been suggested has been attempted to the best of my ability. I just want some possibility to show up, some choice I could make that would lead to a better future.. lol it's funny because I know I go against myself and others who try to help, it's kinda in my nature I think X) I guess I really am a walking contradiction in every sense haha
  20. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Understood, RB......OK, so the chink in your armour is : "I do want others advice, I'm looking for something I may have overlooked myself, some other option that wasn't there before". What you're asking for is a particular truth insight that resonates with you, which has the power to dismantle the walls. Like a depth charge to a blocked up well :)

    May I ask you what it is you're hoping to gain by going against yourself?
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