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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by theothermask, May 4, 2008.

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  1. theothermask

    theothermask Member

    At the moment depression burst is over and I feel bad as usual.
    My situation:
    1. Im 20 y old
    2. My mother is trying to live her unrealized dreams trough me.
    3. She never says anything directly, she does a lot worse - I am highly emphatic person, and I feel the attitude - do what you want but if you dont do what i want, i will be suffering a lot. She pretends to be a victim of my actions. And as Ive been so nice all my life, I cant fail her.
    4. I am not so handsome, and I have huge inferiority complexes. I cant start a normal conversation with girl. I dont go to clubs. I am staying at home more often.
    5. I feel incredibly lonely as a mind. None of the people around me seem to be interested in my problems. None of them hear what I talk, they hear what I say to them. And I am not used to tell everyone about my problems.
    6. I feel lonely as a human. I read somewhere that normally one needs aprox 10 physical contacts with other people. Man, I am so happy if someone accidentally bumps in a crowded place. It is miserable, but it feels so good. I feel alive and not so alone anymore. But I dont go out much, and I dont intend go out to bustle trough a mob just to feel better.
    7. Loneliness has left something more than depression. I have reasons to believe that I have schizophrenia in a light form. Im not sure about its level but with each depressive event I feel someone else in me growing more explicit, more stronger.
    7a. I mentioned that I have no one to talk to about my problems. It is half truth - I talk to myself. Not loud (usually), but when something goes bad, I start an inner conversation. There I argue with people I have reasons to argue; I am having pity on myself in there... god I even hug myself and pretend its someone else. This probably is the reason of growing schizo. I dont know...
    8. I feel that talking about such a deep problems is not acceptable in my family. My stepfather once he was drunk, started to talk about suicide. I had no experience with that, and just to stop him, I mentioned that I have such a wish, too. He was surprised, yet remained the idea - we can get over it by ourselves, no need to involve doctors. When he is "clear", theres no word about those events. He forgot, as always.
    9. I have one very dark secret which i will not reveal here. But it is tightly connected to other problems, and If I could start talking about anything else, this thing will never get told to a stranger. My parents know it, but with them i will not talk about the other part of my problems.
    10. I miss hugs so much. I miss social life, love, mentaly health... I dont want to die, but personally I dont see other exit but suicide. Id like to prevent it as long as possible, hopefully until my natural death. But I will not survive all this I have in my heart and mind.
    Please, I beg someone for supporting words. Don't criticize me about my spell mistakes (im not english), about suicidal thoughts, please just say something nice. That i am not bound to kill me sooner or later.
  2. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    All i can say is that i might know where you come from. Maybe we are in a similar situation. I can tell you that you are not alone in your loneliness...
  3. theothermask

    theothermask Member

    I am trying to think so, but all I see is that everyone around me has different kind of problems, and mine are not in the agenda.
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i miss hugs, too. i have been alone, by choice, for the last 12 years.
    this year, just before christmas the loneliness seemed to overwhelm me. that's when i attempted.

    i also hear voices - really, just parts of myself that i argue with when i'm agitated and suicidal. one side tells me how horrible i am, and urges me to do it... the other side takes my case and tries to argue back. if i'm really agitated this conversation goes on out loud, often i'm yelling at myself. if i'm a bit calmer, i keep the voices internal.

    even though our problems (here at SF) seem different than yours, we are all struggling with feeling suicidal and trying to stay alive despite our brain's best intentions to kill us.

    just because your dad can only talk of his despair when he is drunk, and doesn't believe in getting help, doesn't mean you should do the same thing. having professional supports is a really important part of recovery for alot of people. if you are depressed, you should know that it is a disease of the mind (well, and of the heart too) and it distorts reality for you. each setback becomes further evidence of overall failure, and one compounds the other. we distort other people's comments (someone says "that's a nice top" and i think "i must look so pathetic that they are grasping for things to say to me")... a professional can help untangle your thinking. just consider it.

    i'm glad you found this site. please use it to ask for advice, or just as a place to vent your feelings. i might not have experienced everything you are going through but iwant to help,

  5. theothermask

    theothermask Member

    Yes, sometimes I hear the other voice of me, but mostly I imagine heavy arguing with different people I know. Also, it goes out of me when the arguing is getting too loud and I say something. But no one in reality hears it, and I hide my tears if there are any.

    I am a bit happy that I managed to start looking for help in web. I am used to help un listen to people, so maybe I need not so much support for myself that the feeling that I am needed. There are many other things, but if someone needs me, it feels so nice, doesnt it?
  6. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Everyone has a different kind of problems here, true. But there are a lot people with similar problems like yours.
  7. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    And Im sure you will find the support you need here, I just hope it will help you, because thats the hardest part of all of this: finding help, hot support, you already have the support and understanding.
  8. theothermask

    theothermask Member

    Okay, Ill trust that. What about you? You mentioned that you might know where am I from. Are you from Europe?
  9. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Actually, with that sentence i meant to say that I can relate to you, and I might understand your problems because they migh be similar to mine.
    But, yeah, Im from Europe, South Europe. :)
  10. theothermask

    theothermask Member

    Im from up north.. :)
  11. Gunner12

    Gunner12 Well-Known Member

    We're here to listen. You can type on this site and people will try to understand and help with your problem.

    Try edging back to a social life bit by bit. Start by smiling or greeting people who you knew. Slowly but surely you will find a way back.
  12. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Where exactly? :)
  13. theothermask

    theothermask Member

    Near the sea of most beautiful ambers. :) You?

    Gunner, thank you for advice, but I am not living as a monk. I have social life, the problem is that I see only happy people on other side of the river. I can (and I have tried) to go over the river, but just to realize that my heart bleeds more and more every time. No matter how social I get in a company, at the end I am ignored. Because of my look, because of how "uncool" I am, etc. I need love, and that is not what I am going to find. That is my fault, because for such a freak like me I should not wait for something beautiful, I should be enough with anything that comes to me. But no, my fu*ked mind is alienation which seems not to see in what pile of walking shit it's stuffed in. I wish I was retarded, at least I would be happy with what I've got.

    sorry for venting, not aimed at anyone but me.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 10, 2008
  14. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    I wish that sometimes, too. :sad:

  15. People would take advantage of you far more than they currently might. My aunt works with people whom have developmental disabilities, and it's very scary how badly they are manipulated by their mentally capable caretakers.
  16. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    But, what if you are not aware of your bad situation? What if you are not able to see that, and you think that everything is perfect, and everything is in a way it should be. Im talking about this. What if you are able to live your dreams like they are real.

  17. Still, that would make living even worse. People who suffer from severe retardation don't have any free will.
  18. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    We are seeing this from a different perspective, and I dont think we will agree about this thing, but, I know what you want to say. MY point is: I wish I was a plant.

  19. Fair enough.

    I'd rather be a powerful corporate executive.
  20. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Oh, yeah? I hope you will be. I just wanna be loved. Love is enough powerfull for me.
    Only if I had a magic stick, I would make this wishes come true for both of us.
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