At the moment depression burst is over and I feel bad as usual.
My situation:
1. Im 20 y old
2. My mother is trying to live her unrealized dreams trough me.
3. She never says anything directly, she does a lot worse - I am highly emphatic person, and I feel the attitude - do what you want but if you dont do what i want, i will be suffering a lot. She pretends to be a victim of my actions. And as Ive been so nice all my life, I cant fail her.
4. I am not so handsome, and I have huge inferiority complexes. I cant start a normal conversation with girl. I dont go to clubs. I am staying at home more often.
5. I feel incredibly lonely as a mind. None of the people around me seem to be interested in my problems. None of them hear what I talk, they hear what I say to them. And I am not used to tell everyone about my problems.
6. I feel lonely as a human. I read somewhere that normally one needs aprox 10 physical contacts with other people. Man, I am so happy if someone accidentally bumps in a crowded place. It is miserable, but it feels so good. I feel alive and not so alone anymore. But I dont go out much, and I dont intend go out to bustle trough a mob just to feel better.
7. Loneliness has left something more than depression. I have reasons to believe that I have schizophrenia in a light form. Im not sure about its level but with each depressive event I feel someone else in me growing more explicit, more stronger.
7a. I mentioned that I have no one to talk to about my problems. It is half truth - I talk to myself. Not loud (usually), but when something goes bad, I start an inner conversation. There I argue with people I have reasons to argue; I am having pity on myself in there... god I even hug myself and pretend its someone else. This probably is the reason of growing schizo. I dont know...
8. I feel that talking about such a deep problems is not acceptable in my family. My stepfather once he was drunk, started to talk about suicide. I had no experience with that, and just to stop him, I mentioned that I have such a wish, too. He was surprised, yet remained the idea - we can get over it by ourselves, no need to involve doctors. When he is "clear", theres no word about those events. He forgot, as always.
9. I have one very dark secret which i will not reveal here. But it is tightly connected to other problems, and If I could start talking about anything else, this thing will never get told to a stranger. My parents know it, but with them i will not talk about the other part of my problems.
10. I miss hugs so much. I miss social life, love, mentaly health... I dont want to die, but personally I dont see other exit but suicide. Id like to prevent it as long as possible, hopefully until my natural death. But I will not survive all this I have in my heart and mind.
Please, I beg someone for supporting words. Don't criticize me about my spell mistakes (im not english), about suicidal thoughts, please just say something nice. That i am not bound to kill me sooner or later.
My situation:
1. Im 20 y old
2. My mother is trying to live her unrealized dreams trough me.
3. She never says anything directly, she does a lot worse - I am highly emphatic person, and I feel the attitude - do what you want but if you dont do what i want, i will be suffering a lot. She pretends to be a victim of my actions. And as Ive been so nice all my life, I cant fail her.
4. I am not so handsome, and I have huge inferiority complexes. I cant start a normal conversation with girl. I dont go to clubs. I am staying at home more often.
5. I feel incredibly lonely as a mind. None of the people around me seem to be interested in my problems. None of them hear what I talk, they hear what I say to them. And I am not used to tell everyone about my problems.
6. I feel lonely as a human. I read somewhere that normally one needs aprox 10 physical contacts with other people. Man, I am so happy if someone accidentally bumps in a crowded place. It is miserable, but it feels so good. I feel alive and not so alone anymore. But I dont go out much, and I dont intend go out to bustle trough a mob just to feel better.
7. Loneliness has left something more than depression. I have reasons to believe that I have schizophrenia in a light form. Im not sure about its level but with each depressive event I feel someone else in me growing more explicit, more stronger.
7a. I mentioned that I have no one to talk to about my problems. It is half truth - I talk to myself. Not loud (usually), but when something goes bad, I start an inner conversation. There I argue with people I have reasons to argue; I am having pity on myself in there... god I even hug myself and pretend its someone else. This probably is the reason of growing schizo. I dont know...
8. I feel that talking about such a deep problems is not acceptable in my family. My stepfather once he was drunk, started to talk about suicide. I had no experience with that, and just to stop him, I mentioned that I have such a wish, too. He was surprised, yet remained the idea - we can get over it by ourselves, no need to involve doctors. When he is "clear", theres no word about those events. He forgot, as always.
9. I have one very dark secret which i will not reveal here. But it is tightly connected to other problems, and If I could start talking about anything else, this thing will never get told to a stranger. My parents know it, but with them i will not talk about the other part of my problems.
10. I miss hugs so much. I miss social life, love, mentaly health... I dont want to die, but personally I dont see other exit but suicide. Id like to prevent it as long as possible, hopefully until my natural death. But I will not survive all this I have in my heart and mind.
Please, I beg someone for supporting words. Don't criticize me about my spell mistakes (im not english), about suicidal thoughts, please just say something nice. That i am not bound to kill me sooner or later.
