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Can't find any support.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Bad Wolf, Nov 9, 2009.

  1. Bad Wolf

    Bad Wolf Member

    Quick intro -- I'm 19, living at home with my mother who so graciously also allows my boyfriend (<3) to live here as well. I have two brothers, N & J, and one sister, M. I am the youngest. I have a darling West Highland White Terrier named Henry who I absolutely adore. My favorite activities are watching Doctor Who and LARPing, I also enjoy graphic design. My family has genetic depression, and my brother J has chronic fatigue syndrome. I've been on zoloft before and am currently supposed to be taking celexa but I find that I can't eat often enough to take the pill. I don't have a religion and don't want one, so if anyone wants to bring up God or saviors or whatever, please do it somewhere else.

    --Just a heads up, there will be a ton of excessive language beyond this point. I apologize for that!

    Jesus Christ. I'm drowning and everyone's just pushing my fucking head deeper under the water. Which sucks, because I'm hydrophobic. Gee, I sure am sorry I can't make everyone happy, I can't even keep myself happy. The one thing I fucking want is causing huge fucking problems everywhere and I can't fucking fix it.

    Mid-September, 2009 - I'm diagnosed with HPV. I have a legion that isn't dangerous so far, but needs to be watched. It's scary.

    September 17 2009, I went to the emergency room with UNBELIEVABLE ear pain. The doctors diagnosed me with a middle ear infection and gave me some pills. 3 weeks later, I haven't left the house once and am completely incapacitated by ear pain. I go to my regular doctor, who is lovely, and she gives me some ear drops which actually help! But they don't make the infection go away completely. Another 2 weeks, another doctors appointment, another new antibiotic that doesn't make it go away.

    October 20 2009, I go to an ear/nose/throat doctor who prescribes me antibiotic ear drops and tells me to come back when he can see through the infection to my eardrum.

    November 2 2009, ENT tells me that I have a massive hole in my eardrum and will need two surgeries, but OH WAIT, I have to wait a month for the infection to clear up a little more before I can even consider that.

    AND I'M STILL IN PAIN. My next appointment is scheduled for December 3 2009. I can't do any of the things I like, I can't LARP or see my friends or anything--I'm stuck in my fucking bed for two months and now I have to wait until January to expect recovery. WTF. But wait, there's more.

    November 5 2009, my darling <3 takes my car out (I drove a cute little focus that I bought 6 months ago, it's our only means of transportation as we're both unemployed and I obviously can't get a job because I can't even leave my bed half the time) and totals it. It's not his fault, and thank GOD he wasn't hurt--he smashed into a barrier going 70 mph on the freeway and walked away with just a scratch--but now I don't have a car and I don't have a way to get a new one.

    So. All of that immense pain and helplessness, all the "sorry-baby-I-Love-you-but-I-can't-have-sex, it-hurts-waaaayyy-too-much", all of that stress and fear and anxiety and weight loss (I'm 5'7" and 110lbs, 2 months ago I was 125lbs), I have one friend who actually cares to see me on a regular basis, and one more who I frequently talk to. Me and <3 Love each other but I can't stand being alone and in pain, so we fight a lot. A LOT a lot. Frequently because I can't stand to have him leave, so he feels guilty and stays shut in with me all the time. Especially now we don't have a car, we're both trapped. We both have cabin fever and I just hurt all the fucking time, plus I'm overemotional and stressed to the breaking point.

    <3 doesn't have a job, and it's a hard job market out there, but I really really need him to get one. He gets really upset and sensitive every time I bring it up so I can't pressure him, I just can't do it. I'm doing all I can but I'm getting exceeding ridicule from my sister and N's girlfriend and plus my mom. I FEEL BAD BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I can't stand them always pushing me and bitching at me and being passive aggressive at me like I'm some sort of villain--I just don't want to be alone and without <3 I would be alone ALL. THE. TIME. My mom's a nurse and a teacher so she's never home and I'm depressed enough as it is, but with three people constantly pushing me and bitching at me and jabbing me to do something I CAN'T DO, I'm just fucking drowning. I just want to stop hurting and stop being sick and stop having relationship problems because sex hurts me so much and stop having my family fucking scare the shit out of my boyfriend because they're FUCKING ASSHOLES. Nobody seems to realize how much this is straining me because they won't fucking lay off. AND TRY AS I MIGHT, <3 won't get a job and won't fucking talk to me about anything regarding WHY or how he's feeling about it or ANYTHING. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT DOES A GIRL HAVE TO DO TO GET A FUCKING BREAK AROUND HERE?!???!

    I just want this stupid infection gone. I wish I didn't have HPV. I wish I had a chance to talk to my doctor about it before it became 2nd priority to this fucking infection. I hurt all the fucking time and now I'm starting to feel sick again, so less eating means more weight loss but I just can't handle this.

    Sorry for the tl;dr.
  2. Bad Wolf

    Bad Wolf Member

    I swear to god he can't do anything by his own violition. I have to fucking walk him there. GOD I LOVE THE BOY but I can't handle the fact that, when I go to sleep at noon, he doesn't eat anything and TOTALLY flakes on the things I asked him to do until I wake up at 5. I know it's scary BUT FUCKING CHRIST, I mean seriously, I ACTUALLY think he might not realize the stress he's creating for me ALL BY HIMSELF. I planned out his entire day and he just blew the fucker off to play video games. I wake up, I start sobbing, we argue, then he actually follows through on the LEAST IMPORTANT thing that doesn't have ANYTHING to do with job hunting or getting money or anything and leaves. FUCKING CHRIST. I feel like I'd be better to just put in some applications for him myself but god he can't be that fucking incapable. I'm right on the edge again right now. God just kill me now for fuck's sake.
    Sleeping pills --> how I'll be getting through the rest of the day.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Okay tell boyfriend to smarten up or get out not fair for you to have all this stress leave him a note telling him how you feel and that he needs to smarten up and grow up god time for him to start supporting himself.
  4. TaraB3ar

    TaraB3ar Well-Known Member

    wow i cant believe how similar your life is to mine. I am 20 and living at home and my boyfriend lives with me too. He moved here to be with me and I am so very grateful for that but he's been here like 5 months now and still doesn't have a job or in school. He's tried to apply for jobs its just really hard right now. but i feel like he could be trying harder, or at least looking into school. He tells me about all these great plans of his all the time but at the current moment he just seems to be all talk. And my mom asks a lot too about him going to school or getting a job and you're right its so annoying because I cant ask him about it. he gets really defensive if i ask and doesn't want to talk about it either. And he moved from hawaii so he couldn't exactly bring a car so he's stuck in the house too. You should pm me cuz i know EXACTLY how you feel! I love him to death but its just hard sometimes. Stay strong, im here if you'd like to chat :)