Can't find the point

[E1057]

I've reached a point where I think I'd rather not exist. I'm 32 and nothing is making me particularly sad or upset. I have an outstanding job and my income has more than doubled in the past six months. I can now afford pretty much anything I've ever wanted. I have a girlfriend who cares about me. Sounds great, right?

I've spent my entire life chasing happiness. I've never been happy, but I've always had the feeling that if I could just accomplish XXXX, I'd be happy. I've now accomplished everything that interests me and there's no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Now there is no pursuit of this elusive happiness and there is no happiness either. I don't feel unhappy, exactly, just never happy and now I have realized happiness isn't real. Sure, there are moments of happiness or joy, but we spend our entire lives doing shit we don't want to do, only to end up dead at the end anyway and usually in pain or in a poor state-of-mind before that happens.

I intend to cease to exist soon. I can't find a purpose for existence or a reason to continue to put up with everything unpleasant that will have to happen for a few sporadic moments of joy. I've called my girlfriend and explained this and I've also explained it to my mother. Both think I'm crazy. I'm not, nor am I acting out of anything other than pure logic, after months of thought. I've searched high and low for a reason any of us should continue to exist and I just don't see the purpose for anyone. I'm not suggesting or encouraging anyone to do anything that's not right for them, but I think the right thing for me is to quietly stop.

I'm here for my girlfriend. I owe it to her to at least see if anyone can explain to me a purpose for living.

I'm sure this will follow with encouragement to go to the hospital immediately. I won't, so save your breath. My girlfriend is 12 hours away, so she is unable to physically be here. I have no family or real friends anywhere near by. I'm not angry or sad or upset. I'm perfectly lucid in every way and this is not a spur of the moment decision. I do not suffer from any addictions or debilitating illness. Every logical cause you can think of doesn't exist.

My mind is clear. My mind is also open. I'm open to a genuine, convincing reason to continue to exist. Please save the encouragement and anything to do with feelings or faith for someone who needs it. I'm looking for logic, not emotion.

E

 

[Unknown_111]

Hi, you achieved a lot in your life and your need to make the next step in your life. Build the relationship with your girlfriend is next phase of your life perhaps. Also, see if you need set a new set go goals to motivate yourself.

By the way, welcome to the forum.

 

[Raphael1]

I

I'm here for my girlfriend. I owe it to her to at least see if anyone can explain to me a purpose for living.

E

Why do you need a purpose explained to you. It's very easy. Your girlfriend. Food taste good. There is good movies and music. Fun is possible. A million reasons. Helping someone else. That's a reason.

Look, you know there is reasons. Because someone is never that insane. If what you were saying was the truth. More than 98% of your brain function would have to be missing. Snap out of it cause things arn't just about you. Even if you are never happy or find everything meaningless. Others don't. So may as well assist them since they do have the capacity to feel meaning and purpose. If you don't feel like there is any meaning or purpose. Then there is also no purpose in ending your life. So you may as well help others instead. That's real logic. And I challenge your desire to end your life is not logic, but a purpose that you have found that is quite selfish. So even if you say you can't find meaning. That has become your purpose. to hurt other people by ending your life.

It's not logical at all and you need to be more honest about why you are like this cause you are having trouble apreciating what you have in your life.

 

[scaryforest]

i agree with crisis here. need a new goal and purpose. try small goals and small rewards

and to appreciate all start, process and end result
also, not to over think what you have done or/and what you are doing

 

[E1057]

I went to the hospital last night. I may have lost my long-term girlfriend in this process, time will tell. I'm starting to feel sad, which is an improvement over yesterday when I didn't feel anything. The doctor spoke to me for quite awhile and determined I didn't need to be kept overnight. At the time I went, I had started to accept something was wrong with me, not the rest of the world. The medical staff came to the conclusion that I was not an immediate threat to myself, but I do need help. They put me in touch with a number of resources and assigned a social worker to follow up and make sure I'm getting help. I begin counseling tomorrow afternoon. I feel very ashamed about everything that happened yesterday. I was so sure I was thinking clearly. So sure. I don't know how I could be so sure and so wrong.

I think I fought so hard against the things that make me sad or upset that I just shut down. Like my emotions stopped working completely.

There's a long road ahead. I'm scared of it. But I know what's right. I hope I can stay the course without too much backsliding. I think this community is outstanding and I really think just being able to let out my thoughts in their entirety started me in the right direction.

 

[scaryforest]

hi again. that sounded like a painful but eye opening experience.
really wish you well in this and that you find many benefits in what the counselling will give you, expand and grow.

 

[youRprecious!]

My mind is clear. My mind is also open. I'm open to a genuine, convincing reason to continue to exist. Please save the encouragement and anything to do with feelings or faith for someone who needs it. I'm looking for logic, not emotion.

E

Hi E - You are open to a genuine, convincing reason to continue to exist, and there is one, but first we have to overcome - or shed insight into - the disqualification that prevents you from seeing it - you are equating in your mind and soul anything to do with "faith" with emotion (only).
And yet you believe (you do have faith) that things will somehow be better for you, should you cease to exist. That is a belief in which you are placing your trust at the moment. If you could consider for a moment, that this just might be where the opportunity lies, to hear the objective truth which is connected to mankind's search for meaning, it would be the first rung on the ladder for you to really start celebrating all you have accomplished in your life so far, because it will come to mean so much more, when seen in the context of enabling experiencing the joy we are created for

 

[FuzzyOnlyNeedsLove]

life has no point without emotion. Of course achieving everything you ever wanted brings nothing.
as everything you wanted is merely the basics needed to fulfill the surroundings you require.
Not life.
What makes life worth spending and brings fulfillment is positive emotions that are usually achieved by love.
am assuming you love your gf but aren't in-love with her or else you wouldn't of felt this empty.
having everything without love is having nothing. I know this as am here myself.

 

[Raphael1]

I think I fought so hard against the things that make me sad or upset that I just shut down. Like my emotions stopped working completely.

That sounds more honest. It's depression. You can re-wire your brain and you can lift yourself up and get out of this.

 

[youRprecious!]

That sounds more honest. It's depression. You can re-wire your brain and you can lift yourself up and get out of this.

Yes, absolutely! Brains can become re-wired, (rebooted) etc. I so agree

 

[E1057]

I started counseling today. I think it will go well. I also discussed the situation with my boss, who has asked me to not clock out when I go to an appointment. He wants me to get the help I need without ever worrying about work. He has a daughter who is an addict, so he has the very real understanding of not always having control. I feel very blessed to be where I am today and not where I was when I started this thread.

My girlfriend has requested that I give her space. I'm not very happy about that, but I understand. I have to fix me before I can try to fix us. I pray that she's distancing herself so I can do that and she'll come back around, but I can't dwell on it or I'll end up at the bottom again. I can't control her, I can only control me. I'm going to use that control to practice doing my own life better.

 

[Unknown_111]

Hi E, it's good to hear you have started the recovery process. It's going to be hard but no doubt you will do it. Just day at a time and take care. Keep posting.

 

[youRprecious!]

That's good to read, E - you are so right, we cannot control other people, only work on ourselves