Can't function anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LL1, Mar 15, 2016.

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  1. LL1

    LL1 Active Member

    I am so tired that I sleep the majority of a 24 hr day. When I do decide to go out or have any interaction with people, I am shocked and appalled by their words or behaviors toward me, and I'm not doing or saying anything that deserves this! This just makes me want to retreat inside again. People are awful; they have no empathy - even over minor or major things. People seem cold inside to me, and I'm shocked that there are people everywhere that are this way. Out of nowhere, my vet said to me yesterday, "you're crazy". Who says this, and how should I have responded to him? People just don't give a crap and after witnessing this for my time on this earth, I see no reason to believe otherwise. I am disgusted by people in general due to this & feel like shouting at them at the top of my lungs, "what the F is the matter with you?!!! You have no heart; no feelings! You only care about yourself!!!" I can find no one who cares one bit about me, and that includes my X boyfriend, who is a sociopath & narcissist, in addition to being a compulsive liar. He was actually my reprieve from my sad life, but now he's gone. Had to dump him for good finally after 3 crazy making years, but he understood me the way no one else did, and so I actually miss him! He was mostly bad for me, so why do I miss him? I am totally alone now. My life is over. I can't function anymore. I can't be around anyone, bec all they do is act like cold, insensitive, selfish people. I can't expose myself to that anymore & so I am alone. I miss my X. Even though he also acted like a selfish prick, he also understood me. He has severe depression too. He was the only one who understood me & now he's gone. I couldn't take the pain of his intensely selfishness anymore. I keep trying to figure out the best way to die, but I can't seem to find a way that is a sure thing, and that will be painless. I can't live this way anymore. I don't see any meaning in this life - none. I am alone. I'm too sensitive for this life. I feel everything. No one else seems to and it makes me sick. Cold, selfish, heartless people everywhere. Why can't I just die in my sleep? I pray to God that I will, but even that doesn't work.
  2. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    Just because people went nice to you or retreated you bad dont mean you won't miss them...I still miss my ex as well and its been a he n half now. But i know it time I will find things that full me and im sure i won't miss him as much anymore......I at least I hope that's what's going to happen.

    I know it seems hopeless and that all people are horrible nasty and selfish but I KNOW that's true but it does take awhile to find the right people or person for you. I have one friend she is beautiful and so kind....I am scared im gonna losse her like i do all my friendships. But i try not to think of that and enjoy the good per so why i have one.

    Have you tried professional help or maybe even medication??to help with the depression and thoughts??

    I am sorry things are so tough for you right now but try and do one nice thing for yourself a day make a cup of tea and really focus on enjoying it or a shower or bath. Watch fav tv show....

    Know that ad will be here when you need to vent try and take carw of yourself

    Take it easy
  3. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support SF Artist SF Supporter

    Hello LL1, I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling right now. Life can be discouraging. But there are still good people out there. Depression is a hard thing to live with and it effects everything in our lives including how we view ourselves and others. I wish I could give you some words of wisdom, but I'm struggling my self right now. I'm glad you found this site, there are a lot of good and caring people here and it helps me not to feel so alone. I hope you feel better soon.
    Take care
    Freya likes this.
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    @LL1 I am sorry you're feeling like this.

    I'm sorry you've met some mean people in your life, and I'm sorry for what happened to you.
    Are you in therapy and are you getting any medication to help you deal with all these feelings and thoughts? It's a lot to carry on alone hun *hugs*

    Often a depressed brain makes us much more sensitive and only see the bad things and dismiss the good things... do you think there's a chance that's what is happening?
    Some people can come off cold, but it doesn't have to have anything to do with you; people can be stressed or have their own things on their mind and doesn't realize that they treated you wrongly... you never know if it's a stranger, you know?

    Be kind to yourself hun, and take care of you. You deserve to help yourself!

  5. LL1

    LL1 Active Member

    I'm afraid to go back on meds/too many side effects, but I guess that I'll have to at this point. I dread it. It's nice to know that all of you care, because it feels like nobody does.

    I can't imagine being forced to live this way for another 30 years plus? Who could bear that? I first tried to commit suicide when I was 9 yrs old after my father died. Again when I was 18, then in my 20's. Why can't I figure out a way to finally end this miserable life? I just don't see the point of it at all. Greed, selfishness, and nothing meaningful except for my dogs.

    If there are nice people out there, I never meet them. And why, after years of searching for a meaningful relationship, do I meet what seems like the perfect guy, who then turns out to be a narcissist/sociopath, but is the only person who understands me? There's a hefty price to pay for that guy, and in the end, his aggravation wasn't worth any of the good. I will miss the good though, but it seems I can't win.

    I don't understand why I'm still here? I do not want to be! I don't understand this life and I don't see the point of it - any of it. Hang in there... I've been doing that for too long and it's gotten me nowhere. I want to be manic again - not this depressive. At least I had energy. Now it's just a dark hole with no glimmer of light to be found.

    Has anyone seen the movie, "Sylvia"? About Sylvia Plath? I feel exactly like she did in her deepest darkest hours of depression. That movie depicted exactly what depression looks & feels like.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, like my status says ''you don't have to have a bruise to be abused''. If he treated you verbally wrong and intensely bad the best thing you did was leave him. I think you're a strong person. You're not crazy, I would have said ''and your a an f'ing d***''. No one has the right to mistreat you like that. No one. You have joined an amazing community here and we will help and support you until the end. I know what it feels like to miss someone but in reality you are better off without him. I hope you stick around and enjoy being on here and talk to others in similar situations! Good luck to you :)
  7. LL1

    LL1 Active Member

    Thank you. He lied from the beginning/told me he was looking for a long term relationship - even open to marriage. Turns out he lives with his 70 yr old ex wife! For the past 9 years! Said there was nothing going on just roommates sharing living expenses. No sex. That was true, but everything else wasn't! Sick, co dependent crap that is beyond belief! He left me alone on all major holidays just to spend them with her! And lied about all of it! They don't have sex even but he's glued to her in some sick manner. She's 12 years older than him/mommy syndrome... She's obsessed with him. She put 20 post its all over her bathroom mirror all about how he's betraying her with me. Jesus! He still denied that anything weird was going on. Denial...lies, more denial = crazy making behavior! Drove me to the brink. "But I love you", and, "we belong together forever". What? Promised to move in with me 7 times, then backed out 7 times within 24-48 hours. "I'm in a funk (depression) and can't pack or get my sh_t together..." For 3 years?!!!?
    I dumped him 73 times over the course of 3 years. He repeated it all the next chance he could. 2 months ago, New Years - blew me off again for the same reasons, her - but lied about that again. Finally, I get the truth out of him - after 3 years. He says, "well, it's a tradition" to spend all holidays w live in X wife. What?!!! A tradition? To dump your girlfriend on 8 holidays in 3 years to be w your old, X wife? What? Leave me alone when I have no family here? You bastard! I shouldn't have put up w any of this for 1 second. I hate myself for ever taking him back after the 1st time he pulled this. 70+ breakups by me but I always forgave him. I never would put up w this before! What happened to me? I never dated guys like this! Ever! And now I wonder why I did. To not be alone? I never cared about that before. I can't figure out why I allowed any of this. I am alone now but miss him? I only remember the good & that's a dangerous thing. I dumped him for good. He has no remorse, no conscience, compulsive liar, in constant denial. No real feelings for anyone but himself; a real narcissist & sociopath. It's making my depression worse! Because now I have no one. Zero. Better to have no one than someone like him, but think again, bec when depressed & suicidal, anyone who pretends to care/believes that they do, is better than no one. I'm losing my mind.
  8. Lady Snowblood

    Lady Snowblood Active Member

    What he did to you is horrible, but please don't turn all the hate you feel towards him and everything what happend against yourself now.
    You are not the one to blame for all this, people like him are highly manipulative and that's how they get away with all this. Glad you
    finally dumped him, don't ever take him back again only because there's no one you have right now, no one deserves a partner like this.
    And if you are tired of only remembering the good things, I have an easy solution for you: Read your own posts again and again, you'll soon
    notice that you're better off alone.
  9. LL1

    LL1 Active Member

    Sound advice - thank you. I just don't understand any of it; how it happened even? It was pure magical bliss when it wasn't a nightmare. How can the 2 coexist? How can 2 people have such a deep connection, understand one another so well, then have the other crap which eventually smothered the outrageous good? It doesn't make sense & my mind is mourning a death. On top of already being clinically depressed. Not good...
  10. LL1

    LL1 Active Member

    I want to post this to everyone on this site but don't know how to? When I was visiting friends in Cali (friend's wife is from Japan), she gave me some Red Reishi Tea. It really helped make my mind & body feel tons better. I researched this online & found that many research studies have been done on this rare mushroom & it's numerous benefits. It's supposed to help restore brain function among many other health benefits to other vital organs.

    I know that when I was drinking it, I had way more energy and was thinking a lot clearer. A massive shift occurred. Then when I stopped & came home, I tanked into depression again. I just ordered some online, and am going to try it on my own. Brew a tea out of it & drink it throughout the day (you can't OD on it & it has no caffeine or any other stimulants).

    Just wanted to pass this along to everyone. Maybe we can all try it and see if it helps us? It's the real deal/and all natural/been around for thousands of years & is supposed to work. We could report on how or if it helps us.

    Anyway, you buy it dried/RED Reishi mushroom. I got mine on EBay, but you can get it online at most health food sites. Been told NOT to buy the tea bags or powder or liquid - just the mushrooms for best results. Boil water w mushrooms & then quickly turn down heat to simmer for 2.5 hours. The longer the better. Drink hot or cold (I like it cold). It tastes a little bitter, but not bad. It restores everything in the body, including brain function. Supposed to soothe anxiety & depression as well.

    Google Red Reishi health benefits & see for yourself. Numerous studies done. I'll report back after I'm on it for a while. Just ordered it & waiting on arrival. I can tell you that my friend used it when he had horrible bronchitis/pneumonia and hospital couldn't help him w meds. He drank this tea & it cured him 100%. I drank it & it seemed to lift my depression while I was staying w friends. Research it! It's interesting reading. I have nothing to lose at this point. At the very least, it'll get my body healthy again. I'm hoping it'll do the same for my depression. It's supposed to according to research studies. We shall see.

    Would be interesting if we ALL tried it & see if it worked! If it does, it would be miraculous & life changing. Let me know if you want to be part of this study (not a real study, but something that could really help us). It would be so amazing if it worked & helped ALL of us. I'm willing to try. Are you? What have you got to lose? Nothing. Everything to gain. Nothing else has worked for me & I despise the side effects from meds. I'll post a link to the research in next post.

    Try it with me... Let's see if it helps!
    Brian777 likes this.
  11. LL1

    LL1 Active Member

  12. LL1

    LL1 Active Member

  13. Lady Snowblood

    Lady Snowblood Active Member

    Luckily, I've never been in such a toxic relationship, so I can't really tell from my own experience, but I guess it could happen because
    manipulative people do everything imaginable to tie their 'victim' to them, they often appear appealing and charming at first. Maybe it was
    also his bad conscience that made him behave extra caring and thoughtful towards you so you wouldn't notice what was really going on.

    Concerning the tea, I've stumbled upon it when I was living in Asia. It is indeed known as a medicine there, mostly to support the immune system,
    and is recommended to improve your overall health, but I don't know if it does anything for your mental health as well. Maybe it's worth a try.
  14. LL1

    LL1 Active Member

    Let's all try it & report back. It's all natural & has been proven in research studies. I'm waiting on mine to be delivered, and I will report back here & let you know if it helps my horrid, suicidal depression.
  15. LL1

    LL1 Active Member

    I found research on the red Reishi that documents improved brain function (link above); relieves anxiety & depression, restores neurons, etc. I read that it did many other things, but when I stumbled upon the part about depression, and experienced relief when drinking it at my friends', I knew that I was onto something. I'll report back after I'm on it for a bit. Regarding the X, you're spot on. The worst part about this guy is that he truly believes his lies & fantasies. That's why I could never get him to come clean. He believes his lies! He truly believes that he loves me. Unbelievable... Psychotic. My first time ever dealing with a guy like this. I was totally unprepared... He is a really disturbed man, and I could never get him to come clean - about anything. For a sensitive person like myself, this was devastation. Where is his karma? Do people like this EVER get it back? I guess I'll never find out. I can say that I truly loved him; his essence - when he wasn't acting like a selfish prick; when he was loving & supportive. My shrink said that I was reliving what happened w my narcissistic mother, and there are too many similarities between them. It was my final lesson in how to say no to being treated badly. I always dated really nice guys, and so I must wonder if she is right.
  16. Lady Snowblood

    Lady Snowblood Active Member

    Just a quick note: Don't try this tea when you're on blood-thinning medications, it could make things worse, but otherwise you should be fine.
  17. LL1

    LL1 Active Member

    Yes, thanks for posting this. I've read this as well.
  18. LL1

    LL1 Active Member

    Thank you so much for your posts to me. You've really helped to put things into perspective for me. I'm still crying over the loss of my X, bec we really connected in so many positive ways as well. 50% positive, 50% really negative. The positive was out of this world amazing. The neg was pure toeture. Being depressed makes me yearn for even one moment of positive relief. That's the danger.
  19. LL1

    LL1 Active Member

  20. KBambi

    KBambi Active Member

    I'm there too. Hugs
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