I am back on the forum... Just as I began to think everything would take shape... Well, let's just say it all fell apart. Has the problem changed? Not at all. It's the same thing, over and over again. Again I find myself struggling with life itself. These stupid exams. I am so sick of being tested like a lab rat. Observed by complete strangers. Always being judged based on nothing more than trivial knowledge. Don't get me wrong, I wish I succeeded, but I don't think that'll happen. Everyone tells me I'll fail. Nobody is giving me a chance. The school counselor especially. I don't know what to make of it. My supposed 'intellect' (which I've found to be a complete and utter lie) was all I had. People always told me: "You'll be a great scientist/doctor/engineer one day!" Well, I won't. I messed up. Life has lost next to all meaning. I feel sick all the time, mentally and physically. I wish I could study, but I can't gather the strength to do so. Everyone keeps reminding me that I have next to no chance, and that I have to study, but when they demoralize me like this, it's near impossible to do so. I'm afraid that I'll be useless. If I can't live the life of an intellectual... What life can I live? I'm bad with manual tasks, as I am with sports and programming. Physics, chemistry, and maybe mathematics are the only subjects I was ever remotely good at, but it's not enough. There's so much competition. There's no way I'll pull through. So here I am, in a state between life and death. I want to end it, I want to kill myself. But I don't want to die. Strange, right? Yeah, well, I just want it to stop. I can't live happily, I don't want to live at all. I want to live happily, but I want to die if I can't. So I'm on the verge of taking my life, but at the same time, I can't do it! Something is stopping me, and I wish it would go away. I don't see any alternative. If I can't do what I want to do, I'd rather do nothing at all.