Can't gather the courage to kill myself.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Professor Lambda, Feb 26, 2016.

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  1. Professor Lambda

    Professor Lambda Active Member

    I am back on the forum...

    Just as I began to think everything would take shape... Well, let's just say it all fell apart. Has the problem changed? Not at all. It's the same thing, over and over again.

    Again I find myself struggling with life itself. These stupid exams. I am so sick of being tested like a lab rat. Observed by complete strangers. Always being judged based on nothing more than trivial knowledge. Don't get me wrong, I wish I succeeded, but I don't think that'll happen.

    Everyone tells me I'll fail. Nobody is giving me a chance. The school counselor especially. I don't know what to make of it. My supposed 'intellect' (which I've found to be a complete and utter lie) was all I had. People always told me: "You'll be a great scientist/doctor/engineer one day!" Well, I won't. I messed up.

    Life has lost next to all meaning. I feel sick all the time, mentally and physically. I wish I could study, but I can't gather the strength to do so. Everyone keeps reminding me that I have next to no chance, and that I have to study, but when they demoralize me like this, it's near impossible to do so.

    I'm afraid that I'll be useless. If I can't live the life of an intellectual... What life can I live? I'm bad with manual tasks, as I am with sports and programming. Physics, chemistry, and maybe mathematics are the only subjects I was ever remotely good at, but it's not enough. There's so much competition. There's no way I'll pull through.

    So here I am, in a state between life and death. I want to end it, I want to kill myself. But I don't want to die. Strange, right? Yeah, well, I just want it to stop. I can't live happily, I don't want to live at all. I want to live happily, but I want to die if I can't.

    So I'm on the verge of taking my life, but at the same time, I can't do it! Something is stopping me, and I wish it would go away. I don't see any alternative. If I can't do what I want to do, I'd rather do nothing at all.
    some_random_name likes this.
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    There is more to life than exams and school and as you get older you will probably realise this. Most people don't find their calling until later in life and there are other things to enjoy such as hobbies, interests and friends. Why do you listen to those around you so much? Who is telling you that you are going to fail and why are they saying this? Not everyone can be at the top of their game 100% of the time. We are only human after all.
  3. Professor Lambda

    Professor Lambda Active Member

    Right, but if I fail now, I've got next to no chance of becoming anything at all. If I fail here, I'll never get a degree. Then I'll never get a good job. I can't do manual tasks. Therefore I will be useless.
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Many successful people have got through life without passing school or going to university. There really is more to life than school.
  5. Professor Lambda

    Professor Lambda Active Member

    I know, but like I said, all I want from life is to be able to study the universe. I don't want fame, wealth, love. No, I don't want any of that. I just want to observe the beauty. If I can't do that, I'd rather die. I probably won't achieve that, and therefore I want to take my life, but I lack the courage to do so. I can't do it. So I'm trapped now.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Your inner rational self is stopping you. I never even finished high school and I am not suicidal. You can be whatever you want to be (well, there's reasonable limits) but don't take people's judgement of you as a reality. How are you doing in school? What is it you are aiming to be? Have you considered psychotherapy? I think you need to get help and I also believe you know suicide is not the answer to this. F*** the people that talk down to you. Turn around and show them what yoyu can do. Focus on the positives!! Hugs to you!
  7. Professor Lambda

    Professor Lambda Active Member

    I'm trying. I really am. I aim to become a physicist/astronomer/astrophysicist. I've never had many problems with school, at least not major. But that could be because I was slapped in the face by the system. I used to get panic attacks, and instead of giving me help, the bastards threw me into a school where things are a little easier. I can't even bear saying 'special' school, because whenever I realize that I've been thrown into a school for idiots, I'm devastated. I feel horrible because of this stupid school for, well, stupid people. I have no place there.

    I can't go on anymore. I really can't. But I'm so afraid of dying.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    What do you mean by '' a school for idiots''? Do you mean like a remedial school?

    wow a physicist, amazing, you can still achieve that, no matter how long it takes you can do it :) Believe you can and you will. Is there a psychologist at your school? If there is maybe it would be a good idea to see one, you can only endure so much stuff on your own, it's not shameful to say you need a bit of help. *hugs* to you
  9. Professor Lambda

    Professor Lambda Active Member

    No, I mean an actual school for idiots. A place where mentally retarded students go. Sure, there wasn't anyone mentally retarded in my class. Actually, they all seemed fairly intelligent. Main thing is, there's a lot less people (like 15 people per class, as opposed to the usual 30-35), and the subjects are easier...

    It's awful. It's so demoralizing. Tell me, which physicist ever came from such a terrible place? I bet not a single one. I suffer all the time. I wish I'd never been sent there. It was all a big mistake.

    You're right, I do need help, but nobody takes my situation seriously. I don't want to be sent to an institution. I don't want to end up in a sanatorium. If I tell that psychologist about my suicidal nature... I bet they'll inform my parents, which will make everything ten times worse. I talk to people on the Internet, because it's all I have left. And even these people are slowly leaving me... I must say, I really feel very alone.
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You seem to have a fear of getting help. Getting help is not as bad as you imagine it to be. Even if you were put into a psychiatric ward, it's not that bad. It can be a pleasant experience at times with the day time 'classes', newspaper groups, art therapy, bingo, relaxation. Would you rather be dead or in that ward. I hope you see the light soon! I hope you feel better soon.
  11. Professor Lambda

    Professor Lambda Active Member

    Dead... I'd rather be dead... I'd lose so much time, so much potential for studying. My self-esteem (or what remains) would be destroyed completely. It would be even worse.

    I don't want to be considered crazy. I don't want to be considered mad. I want to have control, I want to be normal. I want to be an intelligent, successful human being. It hurts me so much, seeing all these people who have college degrees, and I'll be stuck without high school? What am I going to do?! Everyone in my family has a degree, and I want to be even better than them. I want to show them that I am not a failure, when the reality is that I am.

    I should never have been born. I'm a mistake, and that's all. Not fit for survival. <Mod Edit:Methods> I don't want to be ignored for my entire life).
  12. Professor Lambda

    Professor Lambda Active Member

    Oh fuck me... Nobody reads my threads anyway. Just waiting for the banhammer.
  13. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You wouldn't loose that much time. You are not a mistake, you can still be successful, you just need to reach out for help.
  14. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    school is just there for the exams, nothing more
    sure it may help you to get maybe a somewhat better job, but nothing more.
    the truly smart people, they went to the library, they learned and researched, not for some exam, but for themselves, they spent hours reading all sort of complicated stuff,
    and their purpose in life wasn't to find a good job, or to pass some exam, but to solve the mysteries of the universe.
    Albert Einstein developed his theory not on things he learned, or for some company he worked for, he did it for himself, while sitting in his home, with piles of books around him.
  15. Professor Lambda

    Professor Lambda Active Member

    That is the purpose of my life, but if I can't get a simple degree in physics, how will I ever develop a competent scientific theory? That's what I'm worried about, my intellect itself.
  16. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Keep doing what you are doing hun, how far away from getting a degree are you right now? My sister has 2 law degrees and she is one pof the most stuck up people I have ever known, I'm not good enough for her 'cos I didn't even finish high school. Lots of people who didn't go to school have become successful. I think you are highly intelligent and should pursue your dreams of it BUT it is not worth killing yourself over. Please keep talking to us and I hope you begin to feel better soon. Education is not everything but I know how important it is to you.

    Why would you rather be dead that get professional help? It just might save your life!! Also highly successful people have had mental health issues, example: robin williams, Amanda Bynes, Paris Jackson, britney spears, whitney heuston, heath ledger, I don't know about the rest.
  17. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Seriously...? Look at the number of replies you have in this thread! I feel annoyed by what you said. Lots of people have read and replied.

    You talk about wanting to succeed at physics and math, and say that people tell you you won't succeed so you're afraid or even convinced that you won't succeed.

    Some tough things to consider: Are you smart enough or not? It's not up to others to tell you, although they are in charge of the tests/exams that "measure" knowledge and ability to apply what we learn. I think you might benefit from applying some of your energy to your studies instead of complaining how unfairly you're being treated. See, complaining isn't going to change anything. Proving that you are smart and that you don't need to be in a special class/school could move you ahead.

    Yes, you are frustrated and have ended up in a special class where there is less stress. (Btw, "a class for mentally retarded" students is a morally reprehensible description...very politically incorrect...and demeaning of people who live with learning and developmental challenges.)

    My question is: So what if you are in a less stressful class right now? Work hard, apply yourself - prove your abilities rather than moaning about how others have underestimated you. Proving yourself is way more likely to get you moved into a different school when you're ready to be in the mainstream classroom again.

    I agree with Butterfly that there is more to life than a specific degree and exams and a career in a specific field. If we have dreams that we can achieve, and we do EVERYTHING we can within reason to reach them, that's great. If we are utterly and absolutely incapable of achieving a specific goal, then it's in our best interests to find something else that motivates us.

    Bottom line: You have spent a lot of energy on this site bemoaning your incapability of becoming a physicist or mathematician. All that focussed attention on why you CANNOT achieve your dream could have been put towards studying and learning so you might achieve your dream. It seems to be more important to you to complain than to address the actual problem. Complaining will not - absolutely, in this case, WILL NOT - help you learn math and physics. Studying, doing extra math/physics exercises, maybe working with a tutor, could help.

    I'm sorry if I'm not being warm and fuzzy. I know you're frustrated. A great deal of the way to change things lies with YOU not in complaining and blaming others.

    Go after your dreams - by working hard to get there. Dying is a one-way ticket and doesn't hold hope for anything in the future. Be safe. Work hard. Good luck with all your work. Keep us posted. :)
    Petal, Freya and Rockclimbinggirl like this.
  18. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    As for political correctness...This site has rules about being unbiased and tolerant of others. Discourteous remarks and behaviour are not tolerated here. Personally, I do not like hearing others being put down or belittled or labelled. Life for those with "challenges" is hard enough already. I don't believe there is any excuse for demeaning others or labelling them in a way that somehow limits possibilities for them or limits how they are viewed by other people. The words and actions we use are a CHOICE and they say a lot about how secure or insecure we are ourselves - more than they say anything about the people our words describe. I think that whether or not others treat us well, we show our best self by taking the highest road possible and being kind and polite. Which way we choose to be says a lot about us.

    As for YOU:

    You still have not addressed the core issue, which is your concern over your abilities in physics and math. The time you spend in creating well-worded discussion about about "other things" (e.g., political correctness), could be spent on studying. Why not do that? You say you want to be a scientist but might fail your courses? Then study, my friend, study! I mean that. It doesn't matter if someone else says you're no good if you can study and work and prove them wrong! Prove that their opinion is nothing. However, from your threads and posts on this site, it seems more important to you to complain and to posture with unrelated philosophical rants.

    I am uncertain what you are seeking - attention, support, adulation for being politically incorrect or something else entirely. If you want support as you work towards getting a better grip on your field of study, I'm happy to support you. On the other hand, I'm not going to continue to reply to rants and moaning about the system and other people who are doing you wrong. It isn't helping you, and you just stray further and further from your stated purpose of trying to become a scientist. Since that is what you said you want and this kind of discussion doesn't help you, I won't contribute anymore to your possible downfall by continuing in discussions that are not on topic for your reason for being here.

    Good luck. Go and study and practice some equations and solve some physics and math problems! Really. :)
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