Can't Get Better When Nothing Changes

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by InMyWay, Jun 7, 2010.

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  1. InMyWay

    InMyWay Active Member

    Hello again. It has been quite some time since I last posted. Well, I guess I better start by saying this is the same old crap I usually post, so if you've ever read one of my things before you can just hit the back button on your browser now. I won't mind, I won't even know.

    I might as well just get into the problems. First off is the ex-girlfriend situation. She left me over three years ago now and got married (I found out through facebook after it suggested her as a friend). Ever since I found out, she's been on my mind every day and night. Just like the old times after she left me the day before my brother's birthday (try forgetting something when it is associated with something important to your family is impossible). Also, I am finding out that her twin sister has befriended all of my old friends from high school. So whenever she talks to one of them it shows up as a notification on my facebook page.

    I tried talking about it to one of my last friends this weekend. He couldn't care less. He and his fiance tried explaining things away, but once I was home I figured out how flawed their logic was in some respects so now it is back to square one. Anytime I hear about one of them this all happens. Doesn't help that one just graduated from college and is now back in town. I've always been looking over one shoulder afraid I'd see one, but now there is the possibility one will actually be there. Just like last year around this time.
    Besides that crap, there is the job. A temp job making medical equipment. It is slowly killing me. Getting up early everyday and driving long distances every day over the last year has really done a number on me and the car. Having sleep problems doesn't help. It is the kind of job anyone can do, and it makes my college degree even more worthless than I think it is.

    After that, there is the family. So many problems. I've been the shoulder for my mother to cry on for nearly a decade now and my father just gets worse with his crap. My two brothers are drifting farther apart from the rest of us and couldn't be happier to do so. My mother is constantly trying to get into their business and is only driving them farther away.

    Then there is turning 25. I didn't think it would have such an effect on me. I've always been told that by this age you should have made roots somewhere. Whether that be a career path, relationship (i.e. marriage), both, or anything else substantial. For me though, I've failed in every way. I work a job that won't let me move out because I can't afford to, I have no girlfriend and never will (trust me, I've been told by my best friend that I have no "people skills"), and well let's be honest I really am a terrible person. I have no personality (or at least any kind of a good one). My morals have put me on a course to life long celibacy. Yes, as you may have guessed I've never had sex. I never thought that would bother me so much, but when society has expecations on what life should be like and you fail every test, well these things start piling up on your mind. And when you work a job that lets you think all day, well you get the picture.

    I'm not sure if this is just venting or if I'm actually going to kill myself by the end of the month. I told myself I'd never let myself live a decade being depressed, and that happened. But now it is all so much more crushing lately. I've failed at life and will continue to do so. My family won't be here forever to support me. And then what will happen? Right now if I kill myself there is enough money that I've saved from this temp job to bury me and pay off my student loans. So it only makes sense to do it. It could be over in a flash, one selfish act and it is over. Everyone always tells me I do so many things for other people, so isn't it time to do something for myself? In a couple of months I would be just a bad memory. Something no one talked about. It would split my parents up, but everyone seems to think they need to get divorced. I'm only seeing the positive side to all this. When I look for something bad, it never materializes or it is just the emotional damages that would be done to my family. But then again, maybe it is time for an event that will actually truly test them all. Maybe I should just end this post now before the rambling continues endlessly.
  2. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I wish I could say something other than I envy your virgin status. God how I wish I was still one.

    I am right there with you on the ex thing. My break up was pretty epicly memorable. I am sorry for your lose, I know how hard it is. I wish my ex was married... I could have closure then.

    I am glad to see you are not selfish like me, I would kill myself and leave my family with all my debts.

    Try not to lose hope friend. Cliche I know... but try not too. But I am trying to do the same... be cliche..
  3. InMyWay

    InMyWay Active Member

    Thanks for your reply. I will try to keep things together for as long as I can. Hang in there as well.
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    No problem, you have to just keep on hoping... I am sure things can get better... I am hoping for the same happiness I had with my ex.
  5. deniston

    deniston Member

    I think this shows exactly the kind of modern day pressure that society has placed upon us, especially in the developed world, where expectations are high. However, if you break down the expectations, you can see that it is simply just a way of creating consumer after consumer and is the greatest case of mass fraud since the concept of God. It does not bring you happiness and joy, it simply serves its purpose of creating mindless zombie after zombie.
    The basic overview of society is to go to school, get a job, get married have a family, retire and die. When you look at the expectation, it simply is not about the individual, but about the Human race collectively. It is not about living, but about paying, in currency and life.
    You are encouraged to get a well paid job, why? This simply means you pay more tax and are able to buy more expensive goods that quite frankly, you don't need. You are encouraged to get married and have a family, children means futher spending and also adds to continue the Human race and next generation of consumers.
    Life is yours to live, the expectation placed upon each individual is done so without the individual in consideration. My opinion is that your life is yours to live and it doesn't matter how you live it, as long you lived it your way, then you have lived.
    I get the feeling your whole situation is getting you down because you haven't lived according to the status quo, more so than you haven't lived how you want to live. Everything you have said, is simply pressure created by expecation to exist, work, contribute, retire and die. Is that what you want your life to be like? You are you, if people don't like that then that is their problem, not yours. Why do you care that you're a virgin? Believe me relationships can complicate things, especially when you are in the mental state that you're in. Nature works in strange ways. I think you need to accept the hand that you have been dealt and enjoy yourself. Do what you want to do, regardless of what people think. Who cares what people think? It's your life, not theirs!
    I'm 29 next week, I have a tonne of debt left by the ex, my health is in decline, I have a day/night shift job that is horrific and up until recently I was forced to live out of the spare room in my Dad's house. Yes it gets me down, yes I get depressed, but I have adopted the thought that however adverse the situation may be, there will always be positives. This is how the universe works.

    You'll be ok, just do what you want to do.
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