Can't get help

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Wastingecho, Jan 27, 2010.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    I know that I've been depressed for about 15 years. Was hospitalized for it twice when it started, a few weeks apart, been on the chemical merry-go-round off and on.

    I hate the meds since I can never tell if they are working. I use them to support me for awhile then stop taking them a few months after a crisis has passed.

    The first time I was hospitalized I was convinced by my wife and the ER doctor. The second time I was sent back in directly from the outpatient clinic. Those were some of the most horrible moments of my life.

    Between those moments a visiting nurse at my home and another practitioner at the outpatient clinic also called the police. Both of those times I was handcuffed and brought to the emergency room where I had to sit (in handcuffs in the common area) until I could be admitted for an emergency evaluation. Let me tell you when you are feeling that badly there is nothing quite like that to lower your sense of self-esteem even further.

    All of this happened 15 years ago.

    I have voluntarily sought meds on two other occasions since then. The first time was a year after 9/11 when I found out that two people I knew died in the towers and one of their lives eerily mirrored my own.

    The second time was about three months ago. My GP has me on Pristiq.

    I know I'm in trouble and it's as bad as it has ever been, if not worse. After my experiences in the past, I cannot bring myself to speak to anyone - I just freeze up. I've been able to hold myself together in the past because I could retreat to my office and "release" enough to pull myself back together before facing the world again. Now the company has moved and I have been relocated to a cubicle with 4-foot walls. I no longer have any privacy here. I cannot fall apart at home without scaring my wife and kids so I tend to break down every day on the car ride home from the station.

    It's taken me 3 tries to work up the nerve to register here, and so far about 20 minutes just to type this far. I won't call a hotline because (1) I don't believe that I will be safe and even if I could be convinced (2) I have no private place to call from.

    Now I'm not even sure why I'm doing this and I may not even sign back onto the forum. All I know is that I don't understand it all, I am failing everybody, I don't really matter, and I just want this pain to go away.

    Sorry for wasting everyone's time.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're not wasting anyone's time, and you DO matter!! I really hope you log back in.

    What's got you feeling so bad?
    If you want to talk, you can PM me anytime.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you can get back on your medication it is the only thing that can stabilize your moods. Therapy talking to anyone helps Posting here will help as lots of people will listen will care. Keep posting okay get some help here.
  4. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Been on Pristiq now for 3 months and not seeing much difference. Have tried Selexa, Effexor, Wellbutrin, Zoloft, and others. The only thing I've gotten are the side-effects (fatigue, dizziness, and others which amuse neither myself or my wife).

    I've been trying to "fake it til you make it" for years with no effect.

    The first thought in my head every morning for the last 15 years has been "Let me die today".

    I can't remember the last time that I haven't felt miserable, forget about happy. I would settle for not-hurting.

    I haven't slept throught the night (read that as 11:30 to 5:00) more than a handful of times since last August, usually getting only 1 hour or so of continuous sleep a night.

    My mood is so unstable right now I can't even predict what will set me off. And finding a place to try and pull myself together is next to impossible, especially now at work. I can't even use an empty office because company policy requires the doors to be locked.

    Tried therapy in the hospital and outpatient but I can't face it anymore since my inability to speak in these situations only causes me to get more frustrated with myself. They led us through a visualization exercise (which I tried since I did not have to speak) where we were to supposed to picture ourselves swimming into an undersea cave and find someone waiting for us with a box. Only there was no one waiting for me.

    And during my stay, I found out that a coworker's daughter committed suicide at college. Had to fight through thoughts of "she had so much more to look forward to - if she couldn't make it what chance do I have".

    Outpatient was nothing but a series of problems. First it turned out that one of the therapists knew my father (who was a supervisor at the state mental health facility for years). Then my insurance refused to cover treatment except for a handful of days but the facility would not allow me to stop going so I wound up $6,000 in debt.

    My mother (divorced when I was 10) keeps telling me to remember that she loves me. But love doesn't fix things. If it did all of my children would be happy and healthy and my wife would be fine. Hearing people tell me that they love or care for me actually makes me feel worse because I don't believe that I deserve it.

    My mind keeps picturing ways that I will die and it's always alone. I don't have any real friendships with my coworkers (2 1/2 hour commute) and have 0 friends at home.

    I don't know what to do anymore. I keep going on sheer intertia but I'm getting so tired. My last goal was to not die until my kids get out of college, but I've screwed up so many other things I don't honestly think I'll make it that far.

    I've never actually attempted suicide through all of this, but I've planned it and visualized it. It seems to be the only thing left that I'm good at. But I keep trying to figure out a way to do it that doesn't look like suicide so that my family will get the insurance. Not sure what I'll actually do if I come up with something. I guess in the end I can always serve as a bad example.
  5. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I can hear how much pain you are in, and how trapped you feel. It makes living every day really hard when you feel that bad. I have no magic wand, I can't make all the hurt go away, but I do want you to know that I admire you for telling us, sometimes just sharing can give you a little bit of release. I am going through similar feelings and have not attempted yet, but think about it a lot and feel like I have no one to turn to for help, and then I come here and people do listen and care and respond, it helps a little.
  6. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    My son has Aspergers Syndrome and has to see a psychiatrist regularly for therapy and medication. This started after my first serious depressive about 5 years ago. The only doctor covered by my insurance at the time was the one my company forced me to go to. I don't think we lasted 5 visits. Years later my son starts with the same doctor and they seem to get along and by that point he seemed to remember my name but little else about me. My wife was supposed to be the one taking my son to his appointments because I told her I was not comfortable. But over time she became lax and I had to pick up the slack.

    It's easier being in that office if I'm not doing too badly, but the last few months have been a trial. He may not fully remember me, but the doctor isn't dense. The last visit he started asking me about my meds, who was prescribing them and offered to change them. I have told him to drop it several times. He needs to focus more on my son. That's the only reason I keep going there. I always feel worse leaving that office knowing that others can tell that I'm not right.

    Then my mother tried to call me. I haven't picked up the phone in over a year since she and her companion reduced my eldest daughter to sobbing hysterics after a college visit last year and blamed me for not giving her a stronger sense of self esteem (my daughter is in her second year of college studying childhood and early childhood education, is a certified EMT who volunteers with both the school and local community EMS, knows her weaknesses and goes to extraodinary lengths to overcome them).

    My wife forced me the answer the phone Sunday and {surprise} it wasn't my mother - but her companion. It started out with simple questions about how the girls were doing and quickly moved on to how ill my family is and my failures as a parent before I hung up on her. She called right back and I hung up again without saying hello. Now my mind is focusing on all of the failures in my life, past and ongoing. And I'm having "emotional flashbacks" where I suddenly and instantly relive in painfully real and glorious detail my biggest failures as a human being.

    Everyone keeps telling me that I'll get used to commuting to Jersey, but they don't realize that that is just additional proof that I really have no value in this life as an individual because all of my requests to remain in Manhattan or telecommute were summarily dimissed even though others have those arrangements.

    A few weeks ago my meds ran out and I called the office to renew the prescription. For whatever reason, the messages did not get passed and 5 days after my last pill I started going through withdrawal. When I finally got through to the doctor and got an appointment, he renewed my Pristiq and wrote a prescription for Xanax to stop the shakes and anxiety until the Pristiq leveled off again. I only used that for two days and left the bottle home. Now I've started to carry the bottle with me in my backpack. I still have most of a 30-day supply left but I'm not sure if it's enough (not looking for an answer). I'm trying to ignore the urge to find out but I'm just about at the point where I just want it all to be over. Not a big believer in god or the afterlife - I just want to not "be" anymore. I may not know peace but I'm tired of the pain.
  7. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I can speak with some authority on your meds, both on a personal level and professional level and frankly there is one that is new that has not be tried on you and not sure i said it is new and saved me from having ECT so of course i am gonna advocate its use before suicide.

    You have been through a lot indeed and you have made serious efforts to improve you situation so it is apparent that you want to live, just a life worthy of living and not so full of pain.

    You can PM me if you would like to discuss the meds situation or any part of your situation for that won't get a lecture from me and I will do what I can to help you.

    Hugs Bambi
  8. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Posting is the best that I can do. Can't do it from home because I don't want my family to see.

    Doing it from work, but not easy to find time and privacy. I am constantly surrounded by people who don't really know or care about me here.

    I just want to breakdown for a little while but there is nowhere for me to go and I don't want to involve HR. From bitter experience they are not there to protect the employee, just the company.

    I'm sitting in a building full of people and feel completely alone.
  9. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    My company just e-mailed that we need to fill out new mid-year self-appraisal forms.

    I just can't fill this out right now. I know I'm not doing anybody any good. I can't "look in the mirror" right now.

    I just despise myself too much to face.
  10. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    For the second time in my life I was holding an open bottle of pills and just wanted to eat the entire bottle. I think the only reason I didn't was that I didn't believe there were enough left in the bottle to do the trick. Managed to drag myself home get through another day.

    Cried in my bedroom for 10 minutes after I got home with the door locked before dinner. I don't want my family to see me like this.

    I feel broken. I'm afraid to even listen to music anymore. Lately it seems that every song I listen to has some lyric or phrase that just tears at me. Then I start changing the lines in my head so that all the songs turn into requests to god to kill me or let me die.

    I really need to die.

    "I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking, maybe six feet ain't so far down"
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