I know that I've been depressed for about 15 years. Was hospitalized for it twice when it started, a few weeks apart, been on the chemical merry-go-round off and on. I hate the meds since I can never tell if they are working. I use them to support me for awhile then stop taking them a few months after a crisis has passed. The first time I was hospitalized I was convinced by my wife and the ER doctor. The second time I was sent back in directly from the outpatient clinic. Those were some of the most horrible moments of my life. Between those moments a visiting nurse at my home and another practitioner at the outpatient clinic also called the police. Both of those times I was handcuffed and brought to the emergency room where I had to sit (in handcuffs in the common area) until I could be admitted for an emergency evaluation. Let me tell you when you are feeling that badly there is nothing quite like that to lower your sense of self-esteem even further. All of this happened 15 years ago. I have voluntarily sought meds on two other occasions since then. The first time was a year after 9/11 when I found out that two people I knew died in the towers and one of their lives eerily mirrored my own. The second time was about three months ago. My GP has me on Pristiq. I know I'm in trouble and it's as bad as it has ever been, if not worse. After my experiences in the past, I cannot bring myself to speak to anyone - I just freeze up. I've been able to hold myself together in the past because I could retreat to my office and "release" enough to pull myself back together before facing the world again. Now the company has moved and I have been relocated to a cubicle with 4-foot walls. I no longer have any privacy here. I cannot fall apart at home without scaring my wife and kids so I tend to break down every day on the car ride home from the station. It's taken me 3 tries to work up the nerve to register here, and so far about 20 minutes just to type this far. I won't call a hotline because (1) I don't believe that I will be safe and even if I could be convinced (2) I have no private place to call from. Now I'm not even sure why I'm doing this and I may not even sign back onto the forum. All I know is that I don't understand it all, I am failing everybody, I don't really matter, and I just want this pain to go away. Sorry for wasting everyone's time.