I'm in a really bad place right now. On the 5th Nov i was meant to be happing a life saving procedure, it got to 3 days away and i got an infection called Aspergillas which has put the procedure on hold, it immediatly cut my survival chances to 20% because of the intensive treatment i had to have running up to the procedure. I'm slowly getting over the infection but im scared because i think the disease is developing faster than the infection is dying...we can't treat the disease properly because my body can't cope with it we have to get rid of the infection first. My bodies tiring, i spent pretty much the last 3 days asleep because all my energy's going into trying to stop the disease. People keep telling me to stay positive and that i'll get through it but sometimes i don't want to get through it. I'm scared to go to sleep everynight because im scared i won't wake up but im scared to wake up in the mornings because i don't want to fight anymore, i keep dreaming of killing myself of harming myself, these dreams always focus on cutting myself severely with pieces of shattered glass. I miss contact with people. I'm only allowed imediate family in to see me but the only person that comes is my dad, things are weird between me and my dad because we never saw eye to eye and at 10 years old i ended up going into care, i didn't see him for 4 years up until about 4 months ago. He's been nice and we've been getting on well but we dont touch. I don't know. I just want someone to talk to, someone who will help me talk things through when i need it.