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Can't Get It Out My Head

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JBird, Nov 18, 2007.

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  1. JBird

    JBird Well-Known Member

    I'm in a really bad place right now. On the 5th Nov i was meant to be happing a life saving procedure, it got to 3 days away and i got an infection called Aspergillas which has put the procedure on hold, it immediatly cut my survival chances to 20% because of the intensive treatment i had to have running up to the procedure.

    I'm slowly getting over the infection but im scared because i think the disease is developing faster than the infection is dying...we can't treat the disease properly because my body can't cope with it we have to get rid of the infection first. My bodies tiring, i spent pretty much the last 3 days asleep because all my energy's going into trying to stop the disease. People keep telling me to stay positive and that i'll get through it but sometimes i don't want to get through it. I'm scared to go to sleep everynight because im scared i won't wake up but im scared to wake up in the mornings because i don't want to fight anymore, i keep dreaming of killing myself of harming myself, these dreams always focus on cutting myself severely with pieces of shattered glass.

    I miss contact with people. I'm only allowed imediate family in to see me but the only person that comes is my dad, things are weird between me and my dad because we never saw eye to eye and at 10 years old i ended up going into care, i didn't see him for 4 years up until about 4 months ago. He's been nice and we've been getting on well but we dont touch.

    I don't know. I just want someone to talk to, someone who will help me talk things through when i need it.
  2. livingonlight

    livingonlight Active Member

    I don't know if I can provide any solice at this time in your life but I am here and I know that there is love surrounding you. I know how hard it is to see your dad and not really connect in a loving way. Especially when you are in distress about your condition. I hope that you can find someone close by to confide in and maybe you and your dad can build a relationship.
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    So sorry that the procedure didn't happen. You need to try and be positive if only to help you fight the infection. You are still unsure of what you want so please keep posting and talking to others here. Sometimes, it is just what the doctor ordered! You'll be in my prayers and I hope that you are well soon.
  4. JBird

    JBird Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your support.

    Dads not allowed in my room anymore, im in complete isolation to prevent any little/big bugs from getting in the way of gettin better. I don't know what to do, im lonely but im too shy to post or get to know anyone on here.
  5. hope23

    hope23 Active Member

    Hi JBird,
    I can only try to imagine what it's like for you at the moment. Being in isolation must be very lonely. I'm new here too and I do understand what it's like to be shy but if you want you can send me a private message. I'm here for another while anyway. Keep fighting!
  6. alwaysincrisis

    alwaysincrisis Well-Known Member

    Im thinking of you JBird and hope you are able to have the operation really soon. I am thinking of you and will look out for your progress here....
  7. JBird

    JBird Well-Known Member

    The infections getting better, i was told today they are increasing my medication to help kill the infection faster now my body can cope with it, they are very positive and think it will have cleared up in time to get the operation.

    So physically i'm better but mentally im still bad. My friend has a split personality...well...a few. I was talking to my friend last night and her split Jonathon showed up and started having a go at me. he said very clearly "die of cancer, J" and "I'm deadly, deadly serious". I don't even know where it came from! One minute i was talking to my friend and then next he's having a go at me for acting like a kid which is actually what i am! He says i moan to much and i need to shut up and stop being so self obsessed...i rarely talk about whats wrong and whats going on with me, the other day my friend even said "oh yer, i forgot you were *that* ill" I only make a fuss of things when i really need some support and someone to talk to...90% of the time i'm taking on other peoples problems on top of mine and not sharing mine!

    It's almost as if my friends don't care.
  8. t00whomitmayconcern

    t00whomitmayconcern Active Member

    well death is not something we should fear its gonna happen sonner or later. But i hope you get well.
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