Can't get it out of my head

[AJE]

Why is it that suicide is the only thought that gives me comfort ??
Why does every other avenue seem so long & too much effort ???
Why is it that I can't be bothered to do anything to help myself ??
I'm on meds & going to a counsellor tomorrow for the first time.
Why do I not hate my wife for what she's putting me through ??
Why the hell do I still love her so deeply that I'd go back to her at the drop of a hat ??
I dont understand my feelings & neither does anyone else.
I may get brief joy from watching sport or a good film but as soon as it's over I'm feeling low again.
When I get low the suicide thoughts transport me to a place of comfort.

 

[Brian777]

I can relate to how you feel AJE, but I think it's the way depression filters how we view life.
It does get tiring and its hard to get motivated to do things that might help.
Personally I'd rather stay in bed and sleep, but I need to keep moving.
It amazes me how a "feeling" "emotion" has such power over out whole being.
Hang in there my friend
Brian

 

[Brian777]

*our

 

[ThePhantomLady]

I am so sorry you feel this way.

Firstly I am happy you're getting counseling tomorrow, you really seem to need it. Kudos for you for getting help!
The meds will take a little while to kick in, give them that time and allow the counselor to help you. Be honest with them so they can.

About you still loving her despite it all, you can't blame yourself for how you feel. Love is a strange thing. It takes time to get through this. One of the stages of going through a heartbreak is grief and that can render you suicidal. You have to get through this stage. And I believe you can.

Don't give up. Try to surround yourself with things you like, even if it only makes you smile for a minute that minute is worth it.
Do things for you.

s*

 

[Petal]

Hiya,

Therapy can be very difficult but you can get through it, I'm in DBT therapy and it's extremely hard, your mind goes places you don't want it to go but as they say you get worse before you get better. Keep using your distractions, watching movies etc.. when they are over maybe write down how you are feeling or do some intense exercising. I wish you all the best and wish you were not going through all of this but remember you do not have to go through it alone. SF is here for you

 

[AJE]

Thankyou Brian, The phantomlady & Petal for your support.
I'm finding it extremely tough at the moment, the counselling today was very helpful.
With the support network I have around me & the kind, supportive people on SF I know I will be ok.
It's not easy at all but I know I have wonderful people around to help me.
THANKYOU!

 

[Petal]

Hi AJE, really honestly so glad to hear the counselling session helped you today, did you get to talk about what you wanted without holding anything back? We are here for you, don't worry, we aren't going anywhere

 

[AJE]

Hi AJE, really honestly so glad to hear the counselling session helped you today, did you get to talk about what you wanted without holding anything back? We are here for you, don't worry, we aren't going anywhere

Hi Petal
Yes I was totally honest, told her I was having suicidal thoughts on a regular basis & even how I planned to do it.
She wasn't shocked at all which surprised me but then they must hear so much they don't get shocked easily.
It was good to tell someone who doesn't know anything about me, sort of refreshing.
I know you are all here for me know matter what.
Some genuinely lovely people on this site.

 

[Petal]

Yay. A great appointment! That's class! I'm delighted for you. I bet it helped to get it out in the open after all! Yeah therapists must hear it every day, they are used to it, so are doctors so there's no need to be shy around them! Anyway just wanted to say I am glad your appointment went so well and know that we are all here for you when you need us