Can't get over her death

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I didn't really know where to post this.

For those of you who don't know, my step-mum died in March this year and I loved her very much. She was a real mum to me. For those of you who do know, I'm sorry to go on about it, I made quite a few threads during that time and now, here's another one..

When she died, I cried a lot. When she died she took a large part of me and I was feeling so empty, guilty, alone, I didn't want to do anything and when I wasn't crying I felt bad because I felt like I shouldn't move on with my life... It's hard to explain but put simply, I was a mess. After her funeral the true impact hit me that she was gone and the pain was immense. As time went on things have gotten a bit better but of course, I would never forget her.

This past week, I can't recall ever crying so much. I think I've cried more now, than I did after her funeral. The fact that it's Christmas around the corner doesn't make things any easier because it's being shoved in your face already and I know I'm not going to enjoy Christmas this year.. I don't want to celebrate anything.

I'm not a big sleeper anyway but this past week I've been getting less than 3 hours sleep each night. At night it hits me the most and I want her back and I feel so guilty. I feel as if I let her down and all these thoughts come into my head and I can't think properly. I go into her room and I feel like collapsing on the floor just screaming because I get so mad at myself, I hate myself because I feel I'm to blame (should have put her in hospital sooner), and at that time I truely wish I was with her because I hate being apart from her. :( I sit in her room for a bit, then I go into my bedroom and collapse into my pillow and cry so much until I finally fall asleep. This week has been awful. I miss her very much, and I don't think it's entirely down to Christmas, but Christmas certainly isn't helping issues.

I know nothing can bring her back, but I hope I haven't let her down. I sometimes find myself thinking if she knows about my self harm and thoughts of suicide... If she knew, would she be disappointed in me? I don't know.. It pains me to think it. The whole situation is paining me.


Hello resistance!

I´m sorry for your lost.
I know it must be really painful. You miss her, you always will... but keep the good things, remember her for the good moments you had together, for her character, her smile... i´m sure she loved you very much and wanted you to be very happy. Mothers have that amazing heart and capacity to love, and to forgive their children.
Keep what she taught you.
One day the pain will go away but that love will remain forever in your heart.

No you're not getting on my nerves, not me any way, I don't know how I missed you post. I remember when that happend, and it too bad she had to die, but I know if she loved you before hand, knowing all the pain you are in, she wouldn't be ashamed of love you less, it would only make her love you more.

It's a great loss losing her and she would want you to try and be happy. I know you'll see her again. But she is with you, in your heart and mind. You just can't see her right now. I can understand hollidays must just not feel right when a loved one is missing.

I don't ever see you on MSN anymore...but if you wanna talk you can always jump on and I will listen and do my best, and know you are a true, kind hearted, sweet, loving person who has supported several lost souls here, and you should be very proud of yourself as your step mum would be! :hug: :flowers: :cheekkiss

Hugs :hug:,
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