I didn't really know where to post this. For those of you who don't know, my step-mum died in March this year and I loved her very much. She was a real mum to me. For those of you who do know, I'm sorry to go on about it, I made quite a few threads during that time and now, here's another one.. When she died, I cried a lot. When she died she took a large part of me and I was feeling so empty, guilty, alone, I didn't want to do anything and when I wasn't crying I felt bad because I felt like I shouldn't move on with my life... It's hard to explain but put simply, I was a mess. After her funeral the true impact hit me that she was gone and the pain was immense. As time went on things have gotten a bit better but of course, I would never forget her. This past week, I can't recall ever crying so much. I think I've cried more now, than I did after her funeral. The fact that it's Christmas around the corner doesn't make things any easier because it's being shoved in your face already and I know I'm not going to enjoy Christmas this year.. I don't want to celebrate anything. I'm not a big sleeper anyway but this past week I've been getting less than 3 hours sleep each night. At night it hits me the most and I want her back and I feel so guilty. I feel as if I let her down and all these thoughts come into my head and I can't think properly. I go into her room and I feel like collapsing on the floor just screaming because I get so mad at myself, I hate myself because I feel I'm to blame (should have put her in hospital sooner), and at that time I truely wish I was with her because I hate being apart from her. I sit in her room for a bit, then I go into my bedroom and collapse into my pillow and cry so much until I finally fall asleep. This week has been awful. I miss her very much, and I don't think it's entirely down to Christmas, but Christmas certainly isn't helping issues. I know nothing can bring her back, but I hope I haven't let her down. I sometimes find myself thinking if she knows about my self harm and thoughts of suicide... If she knew, would she be disappointed in me? I don't know.. It pains me to think it. The whole situation is paining me.