Can't give up?!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Johnny Messina, Mar 19, 2014.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Johnny Messina

    Johnny Messina Well-Known Member

    I don't know where to start... I'm 25 and I missed every opportunity in life that I ever had.. I was born in a war time in my country.. My parents were completely disfunctional. When I was little we moved to live with my grandparents (dad's side) and they completely separated me from my mother.. She was working all day, and she was "wrong" nationality for many people in my country including my grandparents and honestly they had really bad attitude (they were also one of the people who needed to have biggest fcking house in the neighbourhood and best car, and are very close minded) which ofcourse I couldn't understand because was so little... After that I had pretty much happy childhood, I never saw problems with my family because I was taken good care of.. I was good at school, always surrounded by cutest girls, I was great talent in many sports, and always had plenty of cash because family bussines was going great and we were one of the rare midle class families in our country..

    I visited almost every country in Europe with my sports team, was really popular (but honestly also very arrogant, and I was bullying many people, alway wanted to prove I'm the best). Than it started to happening, I was like 16 when big problems for me began and it is just road to hell since then. My plan was to get sports scholarship in America, and to start my own life which was my goal since I was like 12 or so.. I started everything very young, I mean stuff like having sex, drinking, smoking weed, and never had to work hard over nothing.. Expectancy for my future were over the roof by every single person who knew me, and I don't know why was it, but I was obviously talented in many ways.. Then one day it happened, I started to having problems with my throat during trainings and couldn't train or compete at all for some time... I was basically beging my father to help me, to take mo to doctors or anything but his theory was that I was just lazy to do anything with my life and that im making everything up, so I just stopped with sports.. It was very bad story with my health but I it would be too long to write everything... However to make long story short, after that I droped out from 2 high schools.. Start drinking heavily.. Obviously I haven't been that attractive to girls anymore, or that popular even though I had bunch of friends which were trying to lift me up (eventualy I stopped answering their calls so they gave up on me too), because of that I became very depresed... When I got my car, I finally discovered my health issues but back than I already thought It was to late for me.. I got some hobbies which were keeping me alive, like gamlbing, learning languages (spanish and italian for many years ; obviously not english, lol) and driving around in my car.. Actualy after some time people thought I'm pro gambler because I was very good at it and had plenty of cash.. My life was started to be hectic, there where 2 persons inside me... One of them was taking drugs, abusing medications, drinking like a monster and doing all types of crazy things.. Things you couldn't even see in movies like Hangover or The Wolf of Wall Street.. And another one which was all alone in a dark room, looking at the photos of some prety girls and listening to some stupid love songs..

    Of course my health suffered big time over that, and now there is no organ in my body that works like it should, especially my digestive system(I dont even think I have one anymore), also I have huge issues with insomnia (sometimes I don't sleep for 5 days or so than I just faint after some time).....(ps If someone wondered combination of mononucleosis and heavy gastritis made me stop doing sports (most important thing in my live) when my family was telling nothing is wrong with me)... 3 years ago I was at one of my friends house just drinking (only guys) when he got called by 2 girls and they came over.. Everyone wanted one of them, she was very prety but not really my type.. However I" had" to prove to everyone that I'm still the best and I got that girls that I didn't even like.. After few months she seemed like a nice person so I started dating her.. Aftermath.. I'm living with her for 2 years now, I'm convincing myself that I love her.. but honestly I kind of think she's a bitch, and that I would never end up with her if things havent turned this way (also I had problems with local "mobsters" over her and her disgusting past.. Things aren't that bad because I'm actualy beeing nice to her and protective and she helped me to finish low-grade high school and I'm few months away from finishing good school actualy.. Now back to money, Ive had really massive winning streak in gambling until I mentaly lost it (again) and lost 5 biggest bets of my life due to alcohol and abuse of some medicine (losses were huge by any standards, I could've buy like 3 houses and 2 cars with that money).. After that I found out family bussines runed by my father is in huuuuuuuuuge debt.. So he employed me to "help" me with my money issues but honestly he thought I'll help him.. I don't know how would I do that because I was never in bussines world before(ps I havent show up at work for 7 months now, still geting paycheck) .. So basicaly I'm fcked.. I tried to kill myself once by driving my car into a wall with speed of 120 kmh+ but nothing happened except my car went to junk yard and everyone thought it happened only because I was wild driver.. which honestly I am..

    I don't think if I see any hope in my life anymore.. I'm not kid anymore.. My dream is not to have a Ferrari and bunch of latina girls around anymore.. But my goal to live peaceful life with someone that I love unconditionally, to have my health and my sports routine back, and to have an opportunity to work something that I like, and to make a real man out of myself seems far far away..

    I guess I'm hopeless romantic :irishdoll:, big bastard and unluckiest guy on the planet combination....
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 2, 2014
  2. lonel

    lonel Account Closed

    Re: Can't give up?! (can someone read this please)

    hi Johnny welcome
     
  3. Johnny Messina

    Johnny Messina Well-Known Member

    Re: Can't give up?! (can someone read this please)

    thank you mate...
     
  4. lonel

    lonel Account Closed

    Re: Can't give up?! (can someone read this please)

    nice to meet you :)
     
  5. Johnny Messina

    Johnny Messina Well-Known Member

    Re: Can't give up?! (can someone read this please)

    nice to meet you too... Ill try to get some sleep now..

    ps everyone sorry for my english...
     
  6. lonel

    lonel Account Closed

    Re: Can't give up?! (can someone read this please)

    its ok its good!
     
  7. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Re: Can't give up?! (can someone read this please)

    Hi Johnny, pleased to meet you, you are a bright guy and I hope you can get some helpful insights and support from SF - everything is redeemable, and we can start our lives over :)
     
  8. Johnny Messina

    Johnny Messina Well-Known Member

    Re: Can't give up?! (can someone read this please)

    Hi.. I know everything is redeemable, that's the only reason I haven't thrown myself under the train yet..But like I said before that seems far away, and I couldn't do it in past 10 years, why would it be different now? And can I ask you something? Why do you think I'm bright? Everyone thinks I'm very bright... How can bright person be so capable and so unsuccessful at the same time..
     
  9. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    Re: Can't give up?! (can someone read this please)

    welcome.
    mini auto biography there, entertaining read.
    so you're also an entertaining person but something's lacking, yeah?
    love's lacking, yeah

    corny but true, love makes the world go round
     
  10. Johnny Messina

    Johnny Messina Well-Known Member

    Re: Can't give up?! (can someone read this please)

    Hi scary... Yes, maybe it is love... But also the lack of opportunities I have.. I'm broke, almost uneducated with no direction to go in life... I know I have to grow myself a pair of balls and go forward but it's not that easy... I can speak 4 languages + english not that good and I can learn to do almost anything, and am willing to try any job.. But I feel like I need to build myself physically again to be succesful because even tho everybody thinks I'm cocky, my self esteem is very low.. I look like pale, skiny-fat 15 year old now... I'd like to go somewhere and start a new life, no mather what.. I would take riskiest jobs or whatever, would prefer physical jobs (than again I have to rebuild my body first).. But the first step will be the hardest since I have like 800$ and probably unrealistic ambitions... It will probably be the first step or the train :smokin:

    ps Also sorry if my first post was so long.. I'm aware that people here have problems of their own, just wanted to talk with someone...

    ps2 @scary city or utd :p
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 20, 2014
  11. lonel

    lonel Account Closed

    Re: Can't give up?! (can someone read this please)

    i liked it thx- hope things get better
     
  12. Johnny Messina

    Johnny Messina Well-Known Member

    Re: Can't give up?! (can someone read this please)

    thank you for the support lonel... If anyone has any ideas or anything to say really, any feedback is good even if it's negative...

    ps when I said that stuff about my gf, It was maybe little bit to harsh.. I mean I really do love her, but sometimes I just feel that she isn't the person for me.. And I'm not saying I'm better than she is in any way..
     
  13. Johnny Messina

    Johnny Messina Well-Known Member

    Re: Can't give up?! (can someone read this please)

    Hello people...Nice sunny day here.... Feeling pretty good.. Thinking of going to gym maybe to kill some negative energy :D
     
  14. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    Re: Can't give up?! (can someone read this please)

    how often do you work out then...
    p.s. haha, neither
     
  15. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Re: Can't give up?! (can someone read this please)

    Don't apologise for your first post at all Johnny, people can write what they want about how they're feeling with no constraints, it's what SF is all about :) It told me - WOW, here's someone with his finger on the pulse of things, and can see his situation very clearly, and really wants to know how to get things turned around. It is incredibly easy to be very bright and yet end up, as you describe, "unsuccessful". It doesn't mean life is over, it's an invitation given to re-assess and to re-prioritise, to work on yourself. I can see that's what you're aching to do, but you're looking around for that first sign-post to get you started. I know that there is one for you, a sign-post, life-raft etc. I will do all I can to try to explain, here or in PMs.
     
  16. Johnny Messina

    Johnny Messina Well-Known Member

    Re: Can't give up?! (can someone read this please)

    Sorry everyone for not responding for some time..


    @urPrecious
    Thank you very much for your post..


    Today I'm very very suicidal... Some things changed since I was here last time...
    I started working out.. 5 weeks now regulary.. I stoped drinking alcohol (3 weeks now).. Im stil smoking cigaretes and using big amount of XanaX/Rivotril/ etc types of medications due to insomnia...
    I still have health issues, and am under huge amount stress, my GF moved from my house today after 2 years living together.. I don't know if thats a good thing but I'm completly broken..
    Im also depresed because I missed my training today (stupid reason but still..).. Im so broken down.. I feel like I'm having a flu or something, I feel like I'll get very sick.. I'm all alone.. All of my friends are actually drinking budies and I don't want that life anymore.... Don't know what to do.. It would be so easy to kill myself right now but I wont.. I was thinking to "hire" some prostitute for a couple of hours but guess what, I have wound on my penis (dont ask please!!))....

    Can someone reply anything... I'm not the type of person who cries.. but I'm feeling like I'm having nervous brake down or something..... Im feeling like little crybaby, Im feeling like punching myself in face for that or something...F?CK
     
  17. Johnny Messina

    Johnny Messina Well-Known Member

    Re: Can't give up?! (can someone read this please)

    F*CK F*CK F*CK

    should i hospitalize myself?

    I have no hope and no support....... I'm currently below the bottom line...
     
  18. Johnny Messina

    Johnny Messina Well-Known Member

    Re: Can't give up?! (can someone read this please)

    Ok, Im talking to myself now... Yesterday was just blow for me, but today I'm fine.. I made some decisions and made some plans and believe everything will work fine.. I hope it's not a problem if I'm the only one writing on this topic...
     
  19. Johnny Messina

    Johnny Messina Well-Known Member

    Re: Can't give up?! (can someone read this please)

    3 hours of hard core training today.. I have no power left for negative toughts :D
     
  20. Johnny Messina

    Johnny Messina Well-Known Member

    Re: Can't give up?! (can someone read this please)

    still messed up :D At least I'm training for month and a half now.. that's positive.. and trying to solve my health problems and stay away from bad people..
    honestly I'm feeling little bit lonely.. but will try to work hard to get back on the track.. can't give up :D
    than maybe someday everything will be fine, or something like that.. I'm not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but am and will try hard to get there..
    have a good day everyone..
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.