can't go much lower

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LosingMyGrip, Jun 13, 2008.

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  1. LosingMyGrip

    LosingMyGrip Member

    Hi. I'm new to this forum but there seem to be some really good people here. I'm in a bad way right now. I have a recurrent illness that lands me on disability for 2-3 months every so often (recently at least once a year) and I have been dealing with it since I was 24 (14 years). I have finally come to the conclusion that my life is just not going to be what I had hoped and planned, and I think it's about time to cut my losses. It's ironic, really, because when I have pancreatitis, I'm not depressed but instead fighting for my life and health. But, once I'm better physically and trying to put the pieces of my life back together, then the depression creeps in........

    I just got over pancreatitis again about 2 months ago, and on my first day back at work, I found out I'm losing my job. I have until July 31 to find something or I'm out the door. No income, no medical insurance (without COBRA -- $300 a month), no 10 year anniversary at my job (in October), no nothing.

    On top of that, I had to move back in with my mother a couple of years ago because of being on disability so often and not having enough money for my apartment. She has loads of her own problems (hoarding, eating disorder, massive anxiety, selfishness) and she's constantly telling me how I'm taking advantage of her (even tho' I pay over half of the household expenses even on disability), and how I'm always antagonistic and disapproving. I know that you're only hearing my side, but she isn't in reality. These things aren't true, and they are just fanning the fuel of my depression. She thinks of no one but herself and how things affect her (like my possibly losing my job and whether or not I'll still be able to pay rent).

    I had thought I would move out this summer, but now I'm faced with no job....I can't even really let myself tink about it. I'm trying not to be too big a burden on my friends, since I can see that some of them just don't really know how to react. I can't sleep, I don't eat, I have no interest in anything. I have barely made it to work this week (late every day) and on Tuesday I went out and sat in my car for an hour and a half because I just couldn't function.

    I really think I just can't go on. I see the July 31 deadline like some big, steel curtain clamping down on my life. I don't enjoy anything any more and I can't seem to distract myself with anything either. Sleep would be a huge relief, but even when it comes, I am having all kinds of disturbing dreams. I just don't know how long I can hang on.........

    I have about 3 different plans for how to end it all, but I don't want to hurt the people who care about me. I don't have any children or a significant other, but my mother would be devastated and I know my friends would be hurt. I have even been thinking of trying to induce pancreatitis somehow in such a severe way it would kill me, because then no one would know I orchestrated it. The problem with this is that I don't know how to induce it at all, let alone bad enough to guarantee killing me. So that leaves suicide.

    Thank you for listening. I feel like I'm a weak person because I can't just suck it up and deal with things, but I'm just so tired....
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and are NOT weak, you have so much on your plate that it is no wonder that you are feeling this way...many of us here know what it feels like to be disabled by depression and an accompanying medical condition...have you had any counseling or alike??? I think it is how we perceive what is going on that determines our satisfaction in life...truly, i am not in a place where all is well, but I know life is messy and we are all a work in progress...please PM me if i can be there for you ...I am sure many ppl here will relate to what you are going through...big hugs, J
  3. ItThing

    ItThing Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum, we're glad to listen and I hope we can help you. It's not your fault that you have these problems.Your disease is very difficult and decapacitating, and it sounds like you've been doing really well so far. Good luck with your job, don't give up! Also, I hope you can work out the issues with your mom, because you can really help each other in the long run.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forum! I am sorry to hear about you loosing your job.It sounds like you rely on it to help you feel independant. There are other jobs to be had. I hope you can find one that you can be fairley happy with!
    As far as moral support you have come to the right place. You will find a bunch of caring individuals here. Have you checked into any kind of financial support. Something like MediCaid. Where they help with your medical bills? Life has already handed you pile of crap. I just hope you stay with the forum. You know I found out today that I helped a person with there problems, and it has made her life a little easier. It really made me feel good to know I made a difference for her.
    I am on constant suicide watch because I am high risk. I lost everything I worked my butt off for. When I joined the forum it made a difference in my life. It gave me a way to communcate with others. That feels good, because I had been low for years and I never thought it could be any better. I may still be agoriphobic, and socialphobic but I have learned to live with it. That it's never going to get any better. Oh well I am running off at the mouth It is nice meeting you.Stay Safe and Stay Strong...:chopper:
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum. Things seem to be rough for you right now. Don't set July as your deadline. While you are still working you can look for another position. Maybe it will offer better benefits for you.What type of things are you able to do? What skills do you have that make you employable? If necessary can you work out of the house? Will you be able to collect unemployment benefits to tide you over while you look for other work?
  6. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Welcome to a healing place, where you'll always find an understanding ear.

    I've had major depression for years, been diagnosed with OCD, mild bipolar, and ADD. I'm being medicated for them all, which pretty much keeps things level, and talking with a therapist and a counselor for two years. I've been in the hospital three times in the past three years, losing 4' of small intestine and 80% of large intestine, and for gastroparesis, which means the stomach muscles go to sleep and nothing gets into the intestines and, left untreated would kill me. To be honest, rephrase those last words to: left untreated will kill me.

    My brain is going through a similar thought process to yours - how can I induce gastroparesis enough to be deadly. Trouble is, like pancreatitis, the pain is incredibly intense and I have a low pain tolerance. I never know when it will happen, so it's kind of a waiting game. Meanwhile, I try to keep busy, not a hard thing this time of year with lawn and gardens and flowers.

    Because of depression and suicidal ideation, I was approved for Social Security disability just over two years ago, and I retired young with a daughter just turned 18, a son who's 25, and a patient wife. I wasn't ready for retirement - no mental preparation, too young to use the little bit of savings we have as financial support.

    I have a large insurance policy on myself, which does not apply in the case of suicide. So, I now don't do anything that would be blatantly suicidal. I've made multiple attempts, when I was so depressed I didn't care if I left any insurance for my wife. Meds and therapists have kept me safe for just over 2 years.

    May we both find mental and spiritual peace which will make life liveable.

  7. LosingMyGrip

    LosingMyGrip Member

    Thank you for all of the encouragement. I know exactly what you mean, Middle, because pancreatitis is alos very painful, and I'm afraid somehow I would f*ck it up and then be even worse off (although that's pretty hard to imagine right now).

    I am just SO depressed, and suicidal, I don't know what to do with myself. I have a full-time job that I'm barely making it to from Monday thru Friday and this past week I accomplished essentially nothing. Then I have a part-time job that I was at earlier tonight, and I kept making stupid mistakes, almost gave someone way too much change, was really slow, and essentially barely made it through the night.

    I have an appointment with my T on Tuesday morning, but I'm not sure I'm gonna make it until then. I've completely lost the will to live. Also, I've never understood how they say that some people commit suicide when they are just beginning to feel better b/c before then they don't have the energy -- but I understand it now! I'm just so freakin' worn down. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. Actually, I wish I could just go to sleep.

    Sorry to drone on and on, but I am just at the end of my rope. The very end.
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    please hang on until tuesday, and be sure to be honest with your therapist about how low you are feeling. perhaps there are other supports that he/she can set in place for you, like a community mental health team or something similar. i know it's easy for me to say, but don't worry about july, your job, or your living situation. you can deal with those once you are out of this crisis. for now, you need to concentrate on not killing yourself. do not be tempted to gloss this over on tuesday. be honest and ask for help.
  9. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    just wanted to add, if tuesday seems too far off, can you call first thing tomorrow and make an emergency appointment for monday?
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