Hi, I've been depressed all my life. Had a very poor relationship with my parents. Then I got married. Against what I knew was best, I got pregnant. I had a huge depression and made a suicide attempt when my daughter was 2 months old. I rejected her. My daughter is 10 now. I still have a very hard time being her mother. So many conflicted feelings inside of me. I want to love her and make her happy but I can't. I separated from her father when she was 5. She lives with him. She cares and worries about me but doesn't want to be around me much. I can understand her. But it hurts so deep, all this f*cked up situation. I see her becoming me and I can't do anything to change that. I am so sorry. I tried psychotherapies several times and nothing works. I've been living alone for 5 years. I had a couple telationships but it was a disaster. I'm in a new job but it causes me so much anxiety and I'm so fragile right now that I sometimes throw up before I go to work and I don't know how much longer I'll be able to keep it. Everything hurts. I think about dying very, very often. I've been in the psych ward twice. I don't want to take anti-depressants. I had hope in psychologists but they couldn't help me. I'm here today because as humans we are wired to live and I feel it's the only thing keeping me alive. This biological need for life. Otherwise I feel dead inside. Exhausted. Haunted by pain and anxiety and nothing else. I'm afraid I might kill myself soon. Because it's really getting to much. Nobody can help. I just needed to talk where maybe someone can understand.