Can't go on

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Gisela, Oct 8, 2016.

  1. Gisela

    Gisela Member

    Hi,

    I've been depressed all my life. Had a very poor relationship with my parents. Then I got married. Against what I knew was best, I got pregnant. I had a huge depression and made a suicide attempt when my daughter was 2 months old. I rejected her. My daughter is 10 now. I still have a very hard time being her mother. So many conflicted feelings inside of me. I want to love her and make her happy but I can't. I separated from her father when she was 5. She lives with him. She cares and worries about me but doesn't want to be around me much. I can understand her. But it hurts so deep, all this f*cked up situation. I see her becoming me and I can't do anything to change that. I am so sorry. I tried psychotherapies several times and nothing works. I've been living alone for 5 years. I had a couple telationships but it was a disaster. I'm in a new job but it causes me so much anxiety and I'm so fragile right now that I sometimes throw up before I go to work and I don't know how much longer I'll be able to keep it. Everything hurts. I think about dying very, very often. I've been in the psych ward twice. I don't want to take anti-depressants. I had hope in psychologists but they couldn't help me. I'm here today because as humans we are wired to live and I feel it's the only thing keeping me alive. This biological need for life. Otherwise I feel dead inside. Exhausted. Haunted by pain and anxiety and nothing else. I'm afraid I might kill myself soon. Because it's really getting to much. Nobody can help. I just needed to talk where maybe someone can understand.
     
    Paul79 likes this.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I am saddened by your story but we understand how you feel. It must be hard for you coping with such a situation but in book, you have survived so far. I admire the quality in you fighting the resistance not to take anti-depressants but please let me reassure you that they do help. I was like you very much in spirit trying to fight the anti-depressants by taking up exercise as a method of resolution to my aniexty feelings.

    You are hurting a lot (sorry for describing the obvious) at the moment but we are here to help YOU. I am glad that you joined the SF family as we totally understand what you are going through.

    Yes, relationships breakdowns are hard to deal with but it takes time to overcome the past. You are a very intelligent person who realises the importance of life. You will find love again but at the moment you need to believe in yourself and try to overcome your aniexty issues.

    Please keep posting here and you will find so much support for YOU. Just think there is someone in the world who is feeling your pain and wants to help YOU. Let the tears roll from your eyes as YOU realise we care about YOU. Take care and keep posting here as we care.
     
  3. Gisela

    Gisela Member

    I wish I could cry. But even this is denied. I just feel this huge pain that has nowhere to go to. Thanks for your words.
     
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, when you hit rock bottom, you feel like that but please be reassured YOU are not alone. I do feel your pain (no exaggeration) but YOU don't need to feel this pain alone. We are here for YOU. The words I give to YOU are one of care and hopefully you will realise YOU ARE IMPORTANT, EVEN AT THIS LOW POINT IN YOUR LIFE.
     
  5. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    Hello Gisela, I am Mox

    Thank you for joining us at SF. Here you are safe. No one will judge you. No one will ridicule you. Thank you for sharing your story with us tonight. I know that is not an easy thing to do. If you would like you could read my story below in green, and get an idea of what I have been through. You are officially not alone in this battle anymore, you have us. Lean on us. We will give you emotional support and lots *hugs. I tend to ask a lot of questions, I am just trying to get a better understanding of your situation. I want to help you, the better I understand your unique situation, the better I may be able to help you.

    I don't know your pain. But, I know my pain, and the dark places I go some nights. Whats all going on with you, depression, anxiety , is that all? Do you have any kind of support network you can lean on? Any friends or family members you trust. I know you mentioned, you had a poor relationship with your parents.

    I know you are going through a lot with the stressful job.

    Can you tell me more about these conflicted feelings?

    You feel guilty about the relationship with your daughter. Do you have a good relationship with your daughter's father? Are you able to be around her at all?

    There just seems like, there's more out there. I hope not, you are going through hell now. It's just the impression I am getting.

    If you don't understand why you feel suicidal, I could explain it to you.

    Do you enjoy anything in life, or is everything just miserable for you?

    Feel free to IM/PM me anytime

    Take Care My Friend
     
    electricalanomaly likes this.
  6. Gisela

    Gisela Member

    Mox, I read your story. You are a kind soul. The conflicted feelings are about my daughter. I want to love her and be a mum but I can't. Counselors say it's related to my own childhood and how the birth of my daughter triggered all the traumas, because my mother never loved me and was abusive in all kinds of ways. I can understand that but understanding alone is not enough, because it doesn't change how I feel. I feel anxious, unsafe, angry when I'm alone with her. I try to hide it but even if I smile, I'm sure she can feel it somehow. I've been verbally abusive, a couple of times physically abusive with her when she triggers me somehow. It's like all of a sudden I feel despair and anger and rage and I lash it on her. Afterwards guilt kicks in and I feel like the worst sh*t in the world and I cry and she witnesses it all. I never meant to hurt her. I just wanted her to be happy. But I just can't give what I don't have. Security, love. So as time goes by I see myself as my mother and my daughter as me. Because I wasn't able to break the cycle. And that hurts more than anything else in the world. I don't care about relationships. The only relationship I wish I could save is the one with my daughter. But she's ten. Nothing has changed. It's getting worse actually, because she doesn't want to be with me and of course it hurts like hell, but I try to accept it and think she's protecting herself. But then again, when I suggest to go somewhere and she says bluntly, No, it feels like the end of the world. I get sad, angry, guilty, despaired, all at the same time. And it's been 10 years. It's too much. At the moment I'm scared of being around her. J don't think anything good comes from it. I don't want to hurt her anymore. That, the stressful job, the anxiety, it's hell, yes. I consider myself brave for having done it till now. But I'm too tired.
    I have a good relationship with her father but he tries to minimize everything - as does everybody. People are too scared of what I'm saying. It's a huge taboo. So they rationalise and give me bs. They say girls always have a special bond with fathers, that she'll understand later, that there are no perfect mothers, all this kind of cliches that have nothing to do with the real situation. It drives me nuts. So I gave up talking about it.
    I do enjoy music. It has carried me through the days. But music, as beautiful and alive it might be, is not enough to keep on living.
    I have friends. There's only so much they can do. I would need them around me always. And life doesn't work that way.
     
  7. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    I am not scared of what you are saying. I know the feeling all too well. this place, it is not treated as a taboo. It is discussed openly. This is the only place, I have ever felt accepted. What are you holding back?

    Could you and your daughter communicate via skype or something? Maybe just seeing her and talking to her, will allow you to remain calm? How long do you think you are around her, before you begin to lose control? Maybe you should try and do joint visitations at a park with yourself, your daughter and the father; you feel like you are getting upset, you just walk off. Maybe that would help you introduce yourself back to her?

    Besides music, what coping mechanisms do you use? What's your favorite song or band?

    You sound really stressed tonight.

    If I am wrong about anything I am about to say, I want you to promise you will correct me.
    Biggest stressors you have in your life, is the relationship with your daughter , and your job is stressful.
    Biggest stress relievers for you, are music and you have friends. The fact, that you have friends, shows that you are capable of forming and keeping relationships with people. You say, you get along with the daughter's father.
    Do you enjoy your job or is it super important to you beyond a paycheck? Are you happy with that type of work, even though it is stressful? Is the job itself stressful or the people you work with? You are able to work and work somewhat proficiently, to still be employed.
    I am seeing, that you are able to function in society.
    Maybe join a gym, and work out before work, will help you with that anxiety?
     
  8. Lilith3372

    Lilith3372 Member

    Did you have any psychiatric help?? or only counselling by psychologists??Psychologist won't be able to help you if you have a mental disorder. Here you would need a psychotherapist.
     
  9. Gisela

    Gisela Member

    Lilith, I don't want the anti-depressants. I took them for a while but after a lot of research and reading, I think they're not the way to go. I don't consider myself having a mental disorder. I'm deeply depressed, if you want to put a label on it. But I think I have reasons to be. I tried psychotherapies. I wanted to dive into my fucking childhood and try to heal from there. No therapy helped, and therapists didn't seem very keen on exploring my childhood.
     
  10. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    I will explore your childhood with you. Will you be willing to open with me, talk about this very painful part of your past?

    I feel like this should be a private matter, and discussed in private through PMs. Would you be open to this idea?
     
  11. Gisela

    Gisela Member

    Yes.Can you PM me please.
     
  12. Lilith3372

    Lilith3372 Member

    I am not talking about taking any medications. I had depression two years ago, and I did't want to take any medicarions .My solution were cognitive trainings My psychietrist was a very good person..PERSON. He could understand me, what exactly disturbed me (. My point is that sometimes we thing that depression is nothing serios..amd dont want to treat it, BUT it is a disease, that could be treated only by professional.