I wish I could offer some help to the people who are in distress but I am so tired. I feel like I have been running on empty for so long. I have been thinking more consistently about suicide since Christmas, although I have thought about it on and off for about two years. I have no one 'event' that's made me think like this - I am just so desperately lonely. I used to go to a tango class because I craved human physical contact but now I just can't afford it. I would gladly sleep around for the same reason but I wouldn't be able to cope with the rejection afterwards. My 'treat' is to take cocodamol until I fall asleep and I do this about once a month. About 3 weeks ago I kept taking more to 'top up' when ever I woke up and eventually I was out for quite a while. Now I keep thinking how lovely it would be for all of this to just go away. I can't stop thinking about the sense of peace and calm and still. I would so love a husband and a family but at 38 it's just not happening. I'm frightened how welcoming an overdose sounds and I'm aware that the 'pull' towards ending it all is a thought that is pretty much constant now. It feels like it's inevitable. Even writing this, I want to go and take them all and sleep forever.