Can't handle much more right now..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kiba, Feb 23, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Im angry.. but I'm anxious. I feel depressed, lonely, sad, feel betrayed, unloved, useless, annoyed, worthless, in pain, isolated, trapped, ignored, pushed aside, used, unimportant, overwhelmed, rejected.

    I'm too nice.. I get used.. People irl either hate me for being so nice.. Threaten me.. Or I'm used.. And all my friends are dead or hate me irl.. I don't understand. You would think after I gave up my childhood, just to be betrayed and given up on, that I would hate people.. But.. Somehow, I just cant.

    I've been used so many times.. for sex.. money... food... shelter.. to name a few things..

    I'm only now opening up this bottle of shit called my past. And it doesn't just hurt on the inside. I'm having migraines and physical pains that feel unbearable. My heart feels torn slowly from my chest and split into a billion pieces. I sit here sometimes, just unable to move, speak, type...

    All I have right now is my cat.. SF... That's about it..

    I have little money.. Live on disability and food stamps.. Right now I am having a lot of stress.. My lease is up in August.. I need to move..

    I've had threats to me.. The complex is full of druggies who have knocked on my door at 3am asking for cigs.. I don't feel safe here.. Yet I don't have the money to move..

    And I'm trying to come up with options.. College.. I thought of it, but I can't bring my cat to the dorms.. And right now.. She is all I got.. I want to move and live with a friend.. but.. I'm not sure how it is going to work..

    And if I don't leave this place.. If my rent increases.. Idk if I will have the money to live here... I've tried getting a job.. I can't seem to find any place that needs anyone.. Poor economy I suppose..

    And now just feelings so vulnerable.. This year is the first year any of my past is actually coming back to were I can even remember much detail.. And it is very hard to cope with.

    And right now, I'm dealing with some anniversaries.. My aunt who died of cancer in her early 20's.. a week after her my first pet who died in my arms.. then in April 2005 my brother who passed 1 day before age 13..

    And all of this is not even covering the surface.. There is so much I am having a lot of stress with right now.. I have wanted to cut really badly lately... Even though I have not cut in a few years.. I'm having some thoughts of suicide.. Yet I don't know if I would act on them.. Just seems pointless now.. After all the attempts I've made and after all the things I've worked on to get here..

    I'm sorry for such a long post.. It's so hard to even try to explain everything in short. I have even more posted in my diary here.

    I just.. feel like I'm having a hard time coping tonight.. I want to cut.. self harm.. I don't know.. I feel drained.. But I am so anxious with my head screaming "I can't take much MORE!!"

    Thank you for reading all of this... sigh... :(
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi swift, I've read all of your post and I'm truly sorry you feel so much pain right now. Maybe try moving in with that friend, see if that helps?
    You sound too that you could use the help of a therapist to get all the frustration and anger out of your system, think about that :hug:
    we love you here :)
  3. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I have a therapist.. Been talking with her.. And it sorta helps.. But even talking about things cannot make the pain just disappear.. It hurts so bad right now.. I feel so alone... :cry: I want to die.. But I know I can't.. :(
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    :hug: 's ya, i can honestly say i know how that feels, are you on meds?
  5. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    No.. Meds actually tend to have opposite effects on me... being anxiety meds make me more anxious for example.. :cry: I'm holding up barely.. It's so hard right now.. But 3 years ago.. I could have never held this much up.. I don't know.. UGH... I can't take much more..
  6. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    Would it help to sit down with your friend and talk about the practical aspects of your moving in with her. Make some actual plans and see how it looks on paper? Starting to take positive steps away from where you are may just help you to feel a little less dark.

    I can relate to what you say about being used and abused so much. The feelings it brings and the effects it has. If you ever feel that you need a chat, then please feel free to drop me a PM. :hug:
  7. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Big hugs hun. I don't know if this applies but the other day I saw a member on SF say that when you start opening up in therapy you begin to feel much worse and it is a sign that the therapy is working as you are addressing issues that havent been addressed before. If that's how you are feeling then I can relate to that, when you start opening up you can feel sucky for a while but keep on at it, when it all begins to make sense in the next few weeks or months will be the day when you feel relief and things start to feel better.

    I am always here if you need a chat hun, loves ya lots <3 xxxxxx
  8. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    :hugtackles: Swift, you can do this, after what youve been through :)clap:) you can :spidey:, building and mountains, dont give up, I know its hard and you feel like someone is :poke: over and over again, and maybe a little :screwloose: at times, but it will come together and you will feel :yeah: that you were able to overcome this hard time in life.

    As for people hating you well this is your life not theres :nono: so tell give :moon: or even :massmoon:, and worry about you, break out those :nunchuk: and fight for yourself.

    Hope this gave you a laugh, PM anytime, even if its just to chat, okay.

    Damn limit on smilies!!!
  9. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I can really relate to your post. Been there, bought the t-shirt and still wearing it. I dont know what feels worse, the loneliness or the frustration and confusion. But it all snowballs into one big ball that looks like no matter what you do or where you turn you cant melt the shit.

    This is going to sound really stupid but give it a try please? Before you post again, take 10 nice deep breaths. Breathe in from your nose, a nice deep to the bottom of your stomach breathe. And release it by blowing out over your lips slowly. And again. Now your head may feel a little less foggy or overwlemed. Now post about the one thing that is priority to you right this second. We can help you through this. But you need to take this in baby steps hun. One at a time. I'm willing to help you along. I really want to help you move forward, even if with only one thing today. Please reach out. I'm willing to grab your hand and not let go until you start seeing through all the shit that is blinding you right now :arms:
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.