Can't hold on..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hopeless.lover, Jul 21, 2013.

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  1. hopeless.lover

    hopeless.lover New Member

    Hello, I am a 19 year old guy. I am an introvert and very few people actually know my true self. So I have been in a long-distance relationship with this girl. She was a person who knew me completely. She was 2 years senior to me, and we studied in the same high school in the same country. Later she immigrated to the west for higher studies. She was the first person I got involved with in a relationship, and naturally I haven't felt like this for anyone else in my life. I consider her to be my first true love. We had been in a relationship for 5 months and this was the best time of my life with the sweetest moments. We would often get sexual over Skype.. until something awful happened.

    So, I was an atheist before I got into a relationship with her, and as a religious Muslim girl, she would often become enraged at me and would mentally torture me for my past and for my inclination towards skepticism. I used to feel hopeless at these times since she was the only person in the world I could open up myself to. Since I had no one else to share my pain with, instead of treating her rudely, I would tend to self-harm. I didn't want to tell her that I used to self-harm, but since I would always be 100% myself with her, I would end up telling her that I harmed myself physically. It would drive her insane at times, and she used to request me not to do it; but when she would misbehave with me, I couldn't stop myself from doing it. Besides, we were thousands of miles apart, so through Skype and Facebook it's not easy to handle each other when either one of us would get mad. So it happened quite a few times, and meanwhile, she was getting close to this celebrity guy. They developed feelings for each other while we were still in a relationship. At one point, I thought I finally stopped self-harming and everything seemed to get okay. Then one day she called me up to let me know that they made out twice in the last week and that she was feeling guilty about it. I was shattered.

    Later she told me everything in detail - what they did, how they did, and the circumstances that lead them to make out in the guy's car. The vivid details still haunt me. Odd enough, she told me she needs time to decide between him and me. I was already feeling suicidal so I told her to hurry up on her decision. I also told her that if she wished to stay with me, she should tell that guy in front of me that whatever happened was wrong, and that she regrets it. I also wanted her password since she knew mine. But she was hesitant. I called up the guy and invited him to a group chat with my girlfriend. Instead of supporting me, my girlfriend seemed to support the guy. I felt horrible.. so I finally decided to break up with her.

    I blocked her once on Facebook but I couldn't keep her blocked for long because she would cry to me. So I kept in touch with her, and we were still somewhat in love. We would still get sexual over Skype.. My mistake was to keep in touch. Because what followed was a horrible nightmare. She was suddenly all depressed one day and would cry often, but she was not opening up. Then one fine day she made me promise that I won't react to what she was gonna say. I promised and what she told me heightened my suicidal feelings. She said she made love with that guy a few weeks back. According to her, she clearly did not want it to happen, and she claims she felt like being raped, because the intercourse was really painful to her as she was a virgin. And on the day she told me this, that guy introduced to her his girlfriend, and this left her shattered in pieces. Only then did she come up and tell me what happened. I pretended that I was okay and provided her mental support. But inside, I was all dead. The thought of my girlfriend getting physical with some other guy - it's too painful.

    I would burst out often, but the duration between each bursting out session was getting longer. Although her explanations didn't appear reasonable to me, I promised her for one last time that I wouldn't burst out and that I understood her position. I would remain depressed often. After like 1.5 months after I promised to her that I won't burst out, I had burst out yet again. She was crying and asked me what she should do if I feel this way. I wanted to say, "Yeah make out with some other guy, because that's what you basically did last time..". But I refrained from saying it and instead said, "What I want to say is gonna be obscene.. so better not say it". That pissed her off real bad and she hung up and didn't respond to my texts or calls for the next few days. She deactivated her Facebook account as well. After a few days she came back up on Facebook and decided to block me. We had one last conversation and we bid each other goodbye. According to her, it would help both of us heal. I didn't want her to suffer anymore so I decided to part too, so that I didn't get the chance to burst out in front of her. But ever since we stopped contacting, my life got more miserable with each passing day.

    It has been around 2 months that we haven't talked and I really don't know for how long I can hold on. Since we have been in a long-distance relationship, the only way I could have managed to marry her was getting good grades and immigrating to her country for higher studies. But my academic results have fallen down greatly and there's no chance that we can ever think of marriage even if we get back together. I cannot concentrate on anything. I can't keep my mind distracted. I shared my story with a few cousins and friends and everyone seemed to agree that I was not the one at fault. But I loved her way too much and right now, I am all drained. I cry all day and night.. I can't imagine anyone else in her place and I am not sure if I can ever love anyone else like I loved her. I have sought professional help too, but it's not helping me much. I am getting suicidal day by day and I don't know how to continue. Someone please save me from this excruciating pain.. I have no one to share my feelings with :'(
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    I am really sorry you have had a traumatic time with your ex girlfriend. I'm sorry to say but I think you are a lot better off without her. She played mind games with you and she also cheated on you. Then she realised what it was like to feel duped when the other guy introduced her to his girlfriend and she didn't like it. That is what you call karma. I know it will be tough for a while, but you will eventually move on and find someone else. Don't let this hold you back, it really is not worth it.
  3. hopeless.lover

    hopeless.lover New Member

    Even this short response gives me the courage to move on. Thanks for inspiring me to live. Just as one cannot leave one's true parents for someone else, it's as if I can't leave my first true love for someone else. This really bothers me.. I find it really hard to believe that she's gone. Letting it out somewhat helps. Thanks again.
  4. Mayflower7

    Mayflower7 Banned Member

    Hi Hopelesslover,
    I am sorry this happened to you, she did play mind games and hurt you badly. I agree you seem better off apart. She was your first love and she played with you, you will meet others. Time will heal you, I am so glad you are feeling a bit better already. Your concentration will improve when your stress has improved. Try a new hobby if possible to distract you. Your confidence will come back.
    Take care
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