Can't hurt him any longer.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RottingPlums, Sep 29, 2013.

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  1. RottingPlums

    RottingPlums New Member

    Promised myself I'd never rejoin a suicide forum again but I have nowhere else to turn.
    I'm struggling to stay positive when noone understands what it's like to have to rely on antidepressants. Spent the last two days arguing with the love of my life over something stupid but I know deep down he doesn't care and rarely says I mean anything to him unless we argue and I say I'm leaving. Pathetic it's come to that, causing arguments just so he says something positive about me and I know isn't right and shouldn't be like that. I don't want to drag him down anymore and be a burden to him, a lot of the time I wish he'd leave me so he could find someone worth being with. I know he'll be disappointed but I can't vent my feelings any other way because he never wants to know. It's been nearly a year since I last topped myself and I thought I was doing well. I still have nightmares of my last attempt on a weekly basis because it was the closest I'd been to letting go and I'm still beating myself up for the pain I caused my family so this time I need to do it for good. I can't live with the guilt. I lost my one of my best friends in February but couldn't even get the guts to go to her funeral I haven't visited her grave as she's in London and I can't come to terms with it. I've seen councillors, therapists the lot but I want to open up to him yet I'm too scared to in case he shuns me away.
    I know I shouldn't be here anymore and I know I want to leave soon but I don't want to hurt him. What do I do or say to him? He'll leave me eventually because of my depression I know it, who'd want to be stuck with a crazy person. I wish he understood or at least try and understand what I'm going through . I'm scared to say anything to him in case he gets angry at me and hates me for not being honest in the first place, I can't deal with the arguments and the words that are said.
    He's the only person I trust and I think I owe it to him to let him be happy with someone else.

    I need advice on how to approach this to him :/ i cant let him down anymore. I don't know who else to turn to.
  2. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    relate so much!

    sounds like when he snaps it's only 'cause he cares. because it's also hard for him. else he'd not be there..
    how about putting your thoughts in writing to him?
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    One thing that stood out to me in your post is that you said you're beating yourself up for the pain you caused your family. But if you attempted and were successful, the pain they would endure would be so much worse, and there would be no end to it.
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