Cant keep going

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by janvan, Mar 14, 2011.

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  1. janvan

    janvan Well-Known Member

    I have tried to keep going but there is no point.
    Since I got out of hospital, nothing helps. Everything is getting more intense and I cant keep control. I am so alone and no-one would notice if I just disappeared. I have everything I need and keep looking at the pile. I dont think I will survive to the weekend. I cant go to hospital - they will just send me home again after a couple of hours. I dont like my therapist - and I suspect she doesnt like me. She is away a lot of the time anyway (long service leave). I cant think of any reasons to keep going. May be this time I wont be found in time. I cant take the physical pain or raw emotions any more. It has to stop.
    Sorry this is so negative - seems like the only time I ever post is when I am desperate.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Could you get a new therapist?

    do you want to try a suicide crisis line?

    do you want to talk about the physical pain and why you feel like this?

    :hug: :hug: :hug:
  3. janvan

    janvan Well-Known Member

    I cant get a new therapist - that is the one assigned to my case. Every other week I seem to get a "fill in" therapist which means I cant get any continuity in therapy - what is the point of repeating stuff every week to someone new? I dont repeat stuff any more - what is the point when it is changed again the next week. I am supposed to go tomorrow but cant see the point. Nothing seems to help.
    I have tried distractions and other things - but the emotions never diminish. I spend too much of the day crying or almost crying. Feeling hopeless and worthless.
    I have lost so much - family, home, business. Am too tired to start over. Feeling too old too - will be 50 in a few weeks. 50 and nothing to show for my life. I have spent my entire life working for others - bringing up my sisters, caring for a husband who left after 20 years, bringing up 3 kids who are now with their dad as I am too sick to care for them. They dont want to see me and that is killing me. I have nothing to live for.
    On top of the emotional pain, I have so much physical pain and illness - and it wont get better, just slowly worsening.
    Crisis lines cant really help - talking is not a fix. And if i say that I have taken anything, the police and ambulance are called. I dont thing I want to get better - just want to give up.
    Thanks for replying May71.
  4. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    i am new here so not sure if i am posting right. i too feel like life is not worth living...which is strange cos i have always loved life, but after being carer for 10 years i lost my husband unexpectedly and tragically, and going through my own fears of being paralysed through a car accident and family being crap, i am so tired i cant cope with what everyone expects me to do. i am not a weak person, i am just exhausted and no one hears me and makes me feel weak. i go through all sorts of crap as i dont have the energy to fight anymore and i feel death would be a release as i dont feel i am allowed to
    grieve my losses (i also lot several family members during this time and couldnt go to funerals or acknowledge) i just want to be left alone to understand what is happening. now i feel totally numb and have taken to self harming which is so out of character i dont know what is happening. i just know that when you in crisis you have no control. i dont tell docs exactly how i feel as i dont want to go to hospital which is a waste of time so i struggle on all the time planning the end.
  5. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    you're welcome! :hug:

    I think in most cases there is a way that you can request a new therapist. I don't know how the system works exactly, but I think that you can at least put in a request.

    Sad Eyes might know. Golden Psych might be able to tell you about the UK.

    My experience is that there is usually a way to get things done in a bureaucracy, if you know how to the system works.

    The therapy you're getting is substandard, so please stick up for yourself if you can.

    How do you know that your kids don't want to see you? Could it be that you only think that?

    Another thing though is that if you are very depressed, people will often push you away, because they find it hard to deal with. It could be that if you got to a little better place, they would want to see you again. Would that make it worthwhile to try to get better, to have a better connection with your kids?

    I think that there are some things that you can do to get better, and I think that we can help. Please keep posting.

    I understand if you feel like you don't want to try anymore.

  6. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    hello Ice Queen and welcome!

    you might want to post this separately on another thread, that way posts about different issues don't get mixed up. you might also want to try the chat room? I've never tried the chat room.

    It sounds like you have been hit hard by a lot of losses pretty close together. It's no wonder that you are having such a hard time.

    I think that if you were once happy, there is a good chance that you can become happy again.

    I think that you would probably be better off telling your doc's what is going on. I don't think that they usually like to put people in the hospital unless you are an immediate threat of harming yourself or others. If you can talk about what is really going on, you can get some meds that might help you. Maybe you can get some therapy.

    I hope that things can get better for you!

    Please keep posting!
  7. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    thank you for your reply May71, it helps to be round peeps that have some
    idea of how we all feel. i spent 17 weeks in hospital, horrendous side effects with meds and now diagnosed with ptsd but i feel it is just a label, people are people not packages and should not be labelled. i dont sleep that well and when i realise its the next day i am instantly disheartened that i have got thru to another day to fight thru, what is the point when everything and everyone you ever cared for has been taken from you. i struggle thru each day sorting out and giving away the things that meant the most to me
    and whilst i dont care for myself i hope that everyone here can find at least one thing to buy themselves time to get to a better place. i feel empty and emotionless and i cant go on fighting for much longer. :zombie:
  8. janvan

    janvan Well-Known Member

    friday night - cant take any more...
  9. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    You say that youve lived for everyone else, I to feel that way alot to, and when I do something for myself like smoke, hide in my bedroom, or anything that takes me away from my family I feel ashamed and guilty.

    Do you work, what do you do for yourself? What kind of hobbies do you have?
  10. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I hope you can get through this! crisis line?


  11. janvan

    janvan Well-Known Member

    just called crisis line. not feeling any better - in fact i am getting worse. keep locking at the pile of tablets and not sure how much longer i can "not take" them. feel terrible posting this... sorry:sigh:
  12. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    janvan -

    would you think about calling another crises line or just calling back for a little bit and keep talking?

    how about flushing the pills down the toilet for now... just for today/tonight and for right now. just get rid of them... and keep posting and talking.
  13. janvan

    janvan Well-Known Member

    cant talk on the phone easily - so I only do it when desparate. I couldnt phone again. Sometimes it is better to just not keep trying to live in a world where I dont belong anymore.
  14. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    do you think you could go to the hospital?

    od'ing on pills will likely just cause you disability and injury

    I think you might be able to get to a place where you can feel a whole lot better, maybe if you can get better meds and therapy, other things.

    Are you doing dbt now?

    Have you thought about rTMS or ect?

    I think that if you can get a little better, maybe you can reestablish a connection with your kids. do you think that that would be worth working for?
  15. janvan

    janvan Well-Known Member

    Have tried just about every antidepressant. Am 2 months into dbt - 10 to go. But it isnt helping. All the doctors keep saying dbt is the only answer. Dont know what rtms is. ect - hasnt been offered and not sure i would... My kids dont/cant make contact with me. i looked after them for all those years and now nothing. i was prepared for this to happen when they were older and independent - but not at this age. i have noone to get better for. i am so pathetic.
  16. janvan

    janvan Well-Known Member

    too late now. :(
  17. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    hey Jan Van,

    I hope you are still there!

    rTMS is repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation. It's new I think. Usually done before ect, because it doesn't have as many (any?) side effects

    ect is electro-convulsive therapy. I have a friend who got this and said it was good. Some people like it, others feel like they are worse off after getting it. Many have some level of memory loss.

    It could be that if you get a little better that you can make contact with your kids again.

    I guess there is nothing else that I can do now except hope that you are ok.

    :hug: :hug: :hug:

    :console: :console:
  18. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    I hope you reached out janvan, I hope your weekend turned for the better and that you were able to relax.

  19. janvan

    janvan Well-Known Member

    Just got out of hospital. I was found in time. They know nothing has changed and I am still suicidal but they just say hospital wont help.
    Thanks for the support. I do appreciate it.
  20. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Im sorry your having a hard time.

    Do we ever get over being sucidial? Im not sure, maybe there are times we can push it back and forget about it for a while, but its never to far away. We suffer from depression, or atleast I do and I know that sometimes I will not have control, that it can take over, and there are times I let it, and the hate of life comes out.

    Its okay to be you, really it is. This is your life, the problem is that you can be mad at life, you can be sad at it, but you cant choose to give up on it, cause its all you have. What if right around the corner is your happiness, what if they find a cure for this horrible disease. What if you wake up tomorrow and open your eyes and you are overcome with peace, this feeling of calm.

    There are to many what ifs in life for you to leave. Im glad that you made it through, and that your still here. Im here to, if you ever want to chat.
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