Cant keep going

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janvan

Well-Known Member
#21
I hope being suicidal isnt permanent - I would hate to think we have to fight every day just to live. It does feel like this at the moment though. I dont have confidence in just being me anymore. I seem to have lost that in the last 18 months. I dont know how to keep going. It sounds so pathetic and feeble to me to be saying these things. I was always the one to do everything (and more) for everyone. Now that there is noone left but me, life seems so pointless. It would be nice to think a cure is around the corner but in reality this is not going to happen. YOu are right tho - there are many "what if"s out there.
 

doityourself

Well-Known Member
#22
I hope being suicidal isnt permanent - I would hate to think we have to fight every day just to live. It does feel like this at the moment though. I dont have confidence in just being me anymore. I seem to have lost that in the last 18 months. I dont know how to keep going. It sounds so pathetic and feeble to me to be saying these things. I was always the one to do everything (and more) for everyone. Now that there is noone left but me, life seems so pointless. It would be nice to think a cure is around the corner but in reality this is not going to happen. YOu are right tho - there are many "what if"s out there.

Im not sure how old you are but Im 33 and have been dealing with depression for all my life, well since atleast under 10 I started feeling things were not right, but in my world nothing was right just didnt understand it yet.

Now as an adult, I cant say that I havent had things in life that have made me happy, I have, Im married have been for 16 years and have 2 boys, those things which I never thought would happen did (I always thought for sure that I would be murdered, even dreamed about it, wierd huh) and Im happy about it, doesnt make my depression go away any though, I still feel the pain, I still suffer, I still struggle to get out of bed some days, but the days that I feel okay are so worth living for, there have even been days where I smile and laugh.

I feel that we go through so much in life, we fight all the shit that happens to us and then after we get past it, live through it-then we want to give up and give in, how does that make sense? It doesnt to me, nothing about this disease does, its still all so confusing to me.
 

janvan

Well-Known Member
#23
Im not sure how old you are but Im 33 and have been dealing with depression for all my life, well since atleast under 10 I started feeling things were not right, but in my world nothing was right just didnt understand it yet.

Now as an adult, I cant say that I havent had things in life that have made me happy, I have, Im married have been for 16 years and have 2 boys, those things which I never thought would happen did (I always thought for sure that I would be murdered, even dreamed about it, wierd huh) and Im happy about it, doesnt make my depression go away any though, I still feel the pain, I still suffer, I still struggle to get out of bed some days, but the days that I feel okay are so worth living for, there have even been days where I smile and laugh.

I feel that we go through so much in life, we fight all the shit that happens to us and then after we get past it, live through it-then we want to give up and give in, how does that make sense? It doesnt to me, nothing about this disease does, its still all so confusing to me.
I am almost 50 - old! I remember very little of my childhood (and there are no photos either). It wasnt the greatest of childhoods I now realise although I didnt realise it at the time. I married at 21 and it lasted 20 years before he announced he was leaving (he had 3 other women I found out).
We did have 3 kids (didnt think I could have any). I swore that they would never have the childhood experiences I did - such as saying "I love you". Noone in my family ever said that. However, in the 11 years since he left, I have struggled to cope with the kids (2 with severe medical conditions), work for myself and get a house for us. Unfortunately I had a breakdown 18 months ago. I sent the kids to my sister (who then had 7 kids to care for but she was happy to help). Unfortunately her 17 year old son died of epilepsy with all the kids there. He was my favourite nephew and it hit me hard (I was still in hospital at that time). My kids are 14 16 and 19 now. She sent the kids to their father in Sydney (who never wanted them). Life is bad timing isnt it? Ironically, the child support agency finally caught up with him that same week and revised his child support from 200 per month to $3000. He decided it was cheaper to keep the kids and so took off with them. I havent heard from or spoken to them since. I dont know where they are. I dont know what they have been told about me. But I have now heard that my 16 year old daughter has run away. It kills me. I love those kids so much.
Too much history - sorry!
Anyway, depression diagnosed many many years ago. Complex ptsd, dysthymia and borderline pd diagnosed in the last year. I almost died at 22 and have many medical conditions. Am now in constant pain as well.
I lost my family, house and business in one foul swoop. I cant even consider working in computing again. Have gone from being the sort of person who could do anything and would do anything for anyone to being isolated and alone.
I always thought that God/Life gave us what we can cope with. That justified my "forgiving" other people who complained of trivial things when I had so much to contend with. But now I feel like I have been chewed up and spat out by life.

You are right - this disease doesnt make sense and is confusing. and hurtful.
I agree with you - I dont know that I have ever been happy. It seems like such a strange emotion when I think about it. Laughing out loud is very rare for me.
I appreciate your reply. Thanks
 

doityourself

Well-Known Member
#24
I am almost 50 - old! I remember very little of my childhood (and there are no photos either). It wasnt the greatest of childhoods I now realise although I didnt realise it at the time. I married at 21 and it lasted 20 years before he announced he was leaving (he had 3 other women I found out).
We did have 3 kids (didnt think I could have any). I swore that they would never have the childhood experiences I did - such as saying "I love you". Noone in my family ever said that. However, in the 11 years since he left, I have struggled to cope with the kids (2 with severe medical conditions), work for myself and get a house for us. Unfortunately I had a breakdown 18 months ago. I sent the kids to my sister (who then had 7 kids to care for but she was happy to help). Unfortunately her 17 year old son died of epilepsy with all the kids there. He was my favourite nephew and it hit me hard (I was still in hospital at that time). My kids are 14 16 and 19 now. She sent the kids to their father in Sydney (who never wanted them). Life is bad timing isnt it? Ironically, the child support agency finally caught up with him that same week and revised his child support from 200 per month to $3000. He decided it was cheaper to keep the kids and so took off with them. I havent heard from or spoken to them since. I dont know where they are. I dont know what they have been told about me. But I have now heard that my 16 year old daughter has run away. It kills me. I love those kids so much.
Too much history - sorry!
Anyway, depression diagnosed many many years ago. Complex ptsd, dysthymia and borderline pd diagnosed in the last year. I almost died at 22 and have many medical conditions. Am now in constant pain as well.
I lost my family, house and business in one foul swoop. I cant even consider working in computing again. Have gone from being the sort of person who could do anything and would do anything for anyone to being isolated and alone.
I always thought that God/Life gave us what we can cope with. That justified my "forgiving" other people who complained of trivial things when I had so much to contend with. But now I feel like I have been chewed up and spat out by life.

You are right - this disease doesnt make sense and is confusing. and hurtful.
I agree with you - I dont know that I have ever been happy. It seems like such a strange emotion when I think about it. Laughing out loud is very rare for me.
I appreciate your reply. Thanks
Im sorry to hear of your nephew, its never an easy thing when loosing a loved one.

No wonder your upset and having a hard time, look at the stresses your going through, its only natural for your body and mind to take so much and then start shutting down, I think thats where the isolation comes from. I do that to, like its almost a burden to have friends, to have to keep them happy, all that blah.

Im sorry to hear about your medical problems, I went through some of that for about 2 years and yes that can just put you in a stumper of dought, tiredness, and just not wanting to be anymore. Is there any chance that it will change for you in the future?

I know you worry about what your children have been told and what they think, but they are getting to the age that they will and can understand life and what it throws at you. I do hope that you get to see them soon though. Have you tried filing anything in the courts? I know a little if your in the states if I can help.

I wont bore you with my ramblings, I just wanted to say I hope tomorrow treats you better and send some hugs your way.
 

janvan

Well-Known Member
#25
You arent boring me. In fact - just hte opposite. It is nice to have someone understand me and who doesnt want something in return (if you know what I mean).
Medical conditions are permanent unfortunately. I have to live with them.
I live in Australia and tried filing papers in court. However, it was before the time of "parenting orders" and since he never wanted them, there were no formal arrangements. They are also teenagers and can have a say in court, and I didnt want to put them through that.
I hope your tomorrow is great and better than whatever today has been for you.
 

doityourself

Well-Known Member
#26
You arent boring me. In fact - just hte opposite. It is nice to have someone understand me and who doesnt want something in return (if you know what I mean).
Medical conditions are permanent unfortunately. I have to live with them.
I live in Australia and tried filing papers in court. However, it was before the time of "parenting orders" and since he never wanted them, there were no formal arrangements. They are also teenagers and can have a say in court, and I didnt want to put them through that.
I hope your tomorrow is great and better than whatever today has been for you.
In my childhood, even though I cant say that I had parents, I seen and heard alot, but didnt really understand any of it until I was older-much older. I forgive my mom for everything (and its a mountain high). I still love her, shes my mom. I know your kids will do the same, all youve done is try and protect them, thats a good thing you shouldnt feel bad about.

Australia-oh I love your accents over there mate, lol. Is it hot there today?
 

janvan

Well-Known Member
#27
Hot? Yes. Very muggy/humid. I am in Brisbane (lots of floods and cyclones recently). Had to evacuate for the floods but my unit was okay - just. Actually, the state of Queensland where I live, is 99% disaster declared at the moment.
I lived in the USA for a few years (Portland, or, and Fremont, CA) - where are you?
We had Oprah frenzy here recently (just before all the diasters). People went wild! I live in the state with the great barrier reef, beaches, sun and great lifestyle. I just have to start living again to enjoy it.
Btw, you guys have the accent! lol
 

doityourself

Well-Known Member
#28
Hot? Yes. Very muggy/humid. I am in Brisbane (lots of floods and cyclones recently). Had to evacuate for the floods but my unit was okay - just. Actually, the state of Queensland where I live, is 99% disaster declared at the moment.
I lived in the USA for a few years (Portland, or, and Fremont, CA) - where are you?
We had Oprah frenzy here recently (just before all the diasters). People went wild! I live in the state with the great barrier reef, beaches, sun and great lifestyle. I just have to start living again to enjoy it.
Btw, you guys have the accent! lol

Yea my accent is southern ebonics, lol.

Grew up in Florida, so know all about the beach-sun world and miss it so very much, Im jealous-the outdoor acitivites you can do all the time is so much fun and relaxing, I can still close my eyes and hear the waves.

Now im in IL-which is still cold today but starting to spring up, not fast enough for my taste though and I hate it here, hate the snobbiness, the hustle and being on a go all the time. Hate that its all about what you have and how much money you make here, just hate it all.

Im sorry to hear about the disasters, I dont think any of us in this world are prepared for any of that, not that we could get prepared I guess. Its just a shame that thinks like that have to happen before safety becomes an issue. Are you safe where your at?
 

janvan

Well-Known Member
#29
Yes, Brisbane (the capital) is reasonably safe - although there was a m4 earthquake north of here last week. Earthquakes in Australia are extremely rare and coming after the NZ and Japan ones, it freaked a few people out. Our problems are mostly drought and floods - extremes.
I pretty much get through the whole year without a jacket - winter is hardly cold here.
Lots of outdoor activites - but then we have the highest skin cancer rate in the world. The sun is really fierce.
I better try to get a couple of hours sleep before dbt therapist (still freaking out about going).
 

doityourself

Well-Known Member
#30
Yes, Brisbane (the capital) is reasonably safe - although there was a m4 earthquake north of here last week. Earthquakes in Australia are extremely rare and coming after the NZ and Japan ones, it freaked a few people out. Our problems are mostly drought and floods - extremes.
I pretty much get through the whole year without a jacket - winter is hardly cold here.
Lots of outdoor activites - but then we have the highest skin cancer rate in the world. The sun is really fierce.
I better try to get a couple of hours sleep before dbt therapist (still freaking out about going).
Good luck at the therapist, hope it all works out good for you. PM anytime you want to chat

No jackets are nice, Im still wearing one today-:dry:
 
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