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Can't keep job because it makes me want to die cant quit because i would die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by randomguy9, Jul 3, 2011.

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  1. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    I graduated high school in 2007.... oh you will find a career they said... oh you have time they said... oh everything will be good they said... what a load of fucking crap.

    I am 22, the point where I should have graduated college, moved out, and started a wonderful career in something. Sure the rest of my life would suck, but I could make enough money to distract myself enough where my family would not have to deal with my suicide. Sure I will die single, sure I will never have close friends, sure I will die a virgin, sure I will never be happy... but at least a career would give me something to do during the day and something to accomplish, and some money to distract myself from how miserable my existence really is.

    Instead I am stuck in a hole, can't even register for classes and know they will be of use till I have a major, the 1 fucking thing I have been searching for since I was 14.

    I hate this fucking job... I am working for family and while I love my relative with all my heart... I hate my boss and he refuses to separate the 2.

    I am not good at fixing things on rental properties... this is not my gifts and is one of the billion things that I am not good at. I am completely incompetent.

    I took this job because I knew that at some point someone in the family is going to need to know how to manage the properties... but no. He does not want me to learn the paperwork.... basically hired out the job I came on bored to learn how to do and has me doing shit that has no long term future.

    I have been to the colleges career center and found nothing.... I used the resources available to me to find a good job but there is not a damned thing out there

    Combined this with the damned economy where even if i wanted to get a entry level job... no one is hiring. Even that would not be enough.... I grew up without much in the money department and there is no way in hell I could handle doing it the rest of my life. I missed out on to much... I can't keep doing that..

    The job is the big thing... but add that to the decaying relationships with my family...

    The relative I work for... I find myself angry with him since he can not separate our home life from our work life. I would love to be able to sit down and talk to him without work coming up.... but that never happens.

    My mother is constantly trying to subtlety bring me back to her faith despite the fact that it is a reason I am here, not a solution to it.

    My father and I have never been close...

    My aunt seems irritated with me when she often was able to be a voice of reason to me before, and we were able to talk about stuff.

    I can't handle this...

    At one point I remember having a fire in me that drove me to push myself beyond what was possible.

    At one point I remember being able to set my mind to things and accomplish them.

    At one point I remember being told I was a good leader...

    All those things have left me. Unless I find a career.... I do not expect to see next year. I can not live this way any longer. I hate life, and not one fucking major thing has gone right for me in my adult life.

    Please do not say talk to my relative because he does not listen to a damned thing I say.... or anyone says for that matter. I can't find other jobs.... and they would be just as triggering if they did not provide me with a life style to distract myself from how pissed off I am.
  2. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Hi randomguy9,

    Our mind would like to convince us that it knows about the future. The truth is that there is no way to know the future. The mind would even (subconsciously) direct us to do what is necessary to prove that the mind’s prediction is right…

    All we can ever know for real is what is actually happening now. The past is memory. The future comes as now when we experience the so called future…

    It sounds like that you are interested in managing properties? Is it possible for you to be okay with what you can do now and learn what is necessary for managing properties? If you give your wish or dream a chance and focus/put your energy into it, things may not happen as we have expected but the wish/dream may come true in a mysterious way. Who knows, you may even find yourself choose to manage properties for another company or someone else instead of your relative’s…

    Maybe you’ve already heard that our concentrated thoughts and beliefs play a big part in manifesting the reality of our worlds. If we want to alter a situation, we need to reverse the focus and mind-set that created it. We can place our attention on the transformation that we desire…

    You know you do have what it takes to transform your life…I’m not saying it’s easy, but it IS possible…
  3. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    But pas performance is often a great indication of future results.... and i got 22 years saying that I will never be able to improve things.
    And what is happening now is not worth living for... I can't handle this fucking job...

    This was never a dream... more of a "well this could fall to me so I might as well learn how to do it so I can have a decent paying side job". My dreams are all dead.... no one that I have ever heard of has been sucessfull when not getting a real start until the age of 22.
    The whole you make your own destiny with your thoughts philosophy had to have been created by optimists who happened to be lucky....
    It takes a lot of things I was not born with...
  4. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    reading your message i cant help but think back to something i recently came across, learned helplessness. i dont mean to be an asshole, but i mean this constructively. sometimes when you've had so many obstacles thrown in your way of progress it can feel like you have no control over your own life anymore even if there are in fact oppertunities.

    "Learned helplessness can also be a motivational problem. Individuals who have failed at tasks in the past conclude erroneously that they are incapable of improving their performance.[21] This might set children behind in academic subjects and dampen their social skills.

    Children with learned helplessness typically fail academic subjects, and are less intrinsically motivated than others. They may use learned helplessness as an excuse or a shield to provide self-justification for school failure. Additionally, describing someone as having learned to be helpless can serve as a reason to avoid blaming him or her for the inconveniences experienced. In turn, the student will give up trying to gain respect or advancement through academic performance.[22]"

    after admiring my great wikipedia copy-paste skills. please please dont let your past experiences bring you down. it seems like you are an intelligent guy, it would be a shame to waste that. take matters into your own hand and please apply for college. if its possible to get in this semester the better, if not the next one. but you're still young you still have oppertunities. dont waste your life away thinking you cant amount to anything while in fact oppertunities are staring you in the face.
  5. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Maybe it is possible that you can change your performance?

    Maybe you can do something to change what is happening like finding another job?

    You are still young (only 3 or 4 years after high school or behind going to college?) and can still go for your dreams. You can do a part time job or get a student loan and take some courses that will help you to fulfill your dreams...

    It's not easy, but you can do what you can now. Make good use of what you do have and create your own luck...

    Since you are not happy with the things as they are or how you feel, maybe see if you can break your thinking patterns by consciously reversing your thoughts and see how life will respond?
  6. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    hey there randomguy,

    To tell you the truth right off the bat, I'm not the best at giving other people advice. And I hesitate to give any now, but I have gone through some similar issues to the ones you're dealing with so I thought I'd write what (sort of) worked for me. Sincere apologies in advance if none of this is helpful to you. Here goes:

    Working with family is rarely a good thing for anyone involved in my experience. That goes double if there is any tension amongst family members. All of that stuff gets entangled, family life bleeds into work life which bleeds back into family and it's one big mess without any respite. Ordinarily if you have work problems you leave them there when you go home at the end of the day. You get a break. With family, that's not possible as I see you are well aware.

    It would be a good idea to extricate yourself from all this in small, manageable steps. Don't worry about long term. Long term stuff will be easier to deal with once you're in a better place. First, keep looking for other jobs. Any jobs. Whatever you think you can stay halfway sane doing for a little while short term. Stop working for the family. I'm not sure if you still live with them, but if not, the next step would be to get your own place.

    Try to maintain a relationship with your family as best you can but I think it's important right now to put some distance between you and them. Once that's achieved, you will be in a better state of mind to worry about long term things like career.

    now as for this

    That's depression. Wildly hypocritical advice to do something that I've personally never been able to do incoming: talk to your doctor, therapist, get meds (if you haven't already). :unsure:
  7. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    How am I supposed to not feel helpless when I have 22 years saying I won't find a career that pays well and that I enjoy.... bit of a problem to believe in something that has never happened before is impossible.

    I see the point... but trying to slap a label on me when it is all based on past experiences.... it becomes hard to buy into.
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Let me ask you this.. Have you thought about the military.. The Air Force is the best branch to get into because alot of the work you do is on computer.. There boot camp isn't as tough as the rest of the branches..It would give you the oppurtunity to see different countries like germany and france..You can go to college while you are in there also or you can wait until you get out..Who knows you may like it and decide to make a carreir out of it.. You can get guarantees with the recruiter like giving you one stripe when you graduate boot camp.. You can get a guarantee in writing that your MOS will be one you are interested in..GIve it some thought!!!
  9. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    Not to the point that it needs to be changed... I doubt anyone who has made it to my age without a career path has ever become anyone worth being... if they have the ratio of failures to sucess is probably at least 100:1

    I am part of the generation the recession is hurting the most.... no one wants to hire, and those that do do not want to hire us.

    The jobs I want are reserved for those with elite level athletissim, or intellegence... IF i knew what classes to take to find a good job I would be tehre and would have graduated by now!

    Luck is a random thing... not something you create.
    Optimism accomplishes nothing..... Those lucky enough to be born with talent or direction succeed not those who emit positive thoughts.... I have seen to many people who should be paraplegics in high places to believe in karma.
    I agree that i need to get awayh from working for family... .but a job that does not provide me the money to distract myeslf from how fucking much I hate life would be just as triggering.
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