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can't keep this up any longer

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by vesuvius, Nov 10, 2015.

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  1. vesuvius

    vesuvius Member

    So I'm 25 years old. Been mentally ill since I was 12, complex PTSD is the main issue. Have been more or less well for a couple of years, just seeing a therapist weekly that I have a long and very good relationship with. Anyway, I was triggered badly a couple of months ago, and since then have remembered some traumatic stuff from my childhood that I had blocked out. Therapist has gotten mental health services involved, am being seen daily by two mental health nurses, was briefly in crisis respite last week.
    The point is that I'm doing things differently from how I have in the past - historically I have refused to engage with mental health services, or to really try to save myself, once I had decided I wanted to die, that was it, always culminated in an attempt. This time, I didn't want to die, it just felt inevitable, and the only way to end this endless cycle of suffering that never seems to get any better. But I want to live, I'm studying to become a clinical psychologist, I really want to work with young people, basically to stop them from ending up like me hahaha. So I didn't want to die, and I've been doing my best.
    Anyway, it's not working for me. Haven't eaten in two and a half weeks now, have endless time on my hands and an inability to concentrate on anything for more than five minutes (university semester is finished thank god). Have started to feel like I just don't care if I die. Have put all my affairs in order, as much as possible. I'm holding on until tomorrow, because I have an appointment with my therapist and I'd like to see her one last time. But yeah. I don't know why I'm posting this, I'm not looking for advice, or to be convinced not to do it. Just, didn't want to be alone, I guess. And obviously can't voice these thoughts to any of my friends/family.
  2. Julie Taylor

    Julie Taylor New Member

    I feel so many of the same things as you! I have non-combat PTSD. I'm obsessing about memories I'd rather never think of again (but not bc of discussions with my therapist). I'm suffering unbearable physical & emotional pain, and no one will treat it. I have an incurable disease and spend a lot of time in bed with nothing to do. And it's nearly impossible to find anyone to talk to about it - that would just make it worse bc they'd commit me, or, like you say, try to talk me out of it.
    I'm not actually suicidal. I could never do it. But I wish so much that I could, instead of living like this!
    Anyway, I know one way to cope with your troubles is to try to help someone else.
    Could you please put it off a little longer and tell me about yourself?
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you do talk to your family and talk to therapist openly so you can stay ok Lots of children who will need your help and you will be able to understand what they are going through because you are going through it yourself. Do not leave your therapist with such pain ok please talk to her and keep fighting for YOU and for the ones that will benefit from you Get your depression treated better get meds changed up Hold ON here let go of some of the sadness here if you can
  4. Julie Taylor

    Julie Taylor New Member

    As a PS, I forgot to mention that I don't eat either.
    No disrespect, but I will speak against some of total eclipse's comments because my experiences have been so different. No one will treat me, and no one will help me. I don't know about you, but I have no family or friends.
    I can vouch for what she says about how devastating it would be to your therapist, but only because I had a very bad experience. A woman I know on a personal basis, who brags endlessly about the cannabis she grows, and often touts the merits of "better living through chemistry", reported me to a couple of providers and clinics as a drug seeker. After all her bragging, she said, sobbing, that she would never get over the fact that she handed the RX to a man who used the pills to commit suicide, a long time ago. She was an office helper. She had nothing to do with his care or writing the scrip. She only handed it to him during checkout. She knew how much I suffer, and pulled a holier-than-thou for the record books by lying to my providers about my use of meds.
    Also like you, I've been very distrustful and unimpressed with therapists, except for two. (I got in BIG trouble, because a psychiatrist, a physician, completely lied to me when I asked about one of the scrips he wrote me!) But if you have had a good experience with this therapist, you might want to take her feelings into account. She cares about you. I truly love the two ladies who've helped me, on very small, isolated topics.
    I have spent years seeking better doctors, tried every medication in the book, all with zero positive effect. My stories are so unbelievable, some people accuse me of lying. (But I have a lot of stuff in writing.) This has not been a good use of my time, and I have officially given up. It is NO use!
    Lastly, there was an episode of Oprah, I think, on abuse, all men. She asked all the men in the audience who had been abused to stand up. Almost all of them did. That made a big impression on me! Somewhat unrelated, I am very startled by sexual standards nowadays. There is rampant perversion. So what total eclipse says about you helping younger people, I think that's probably very true.
    Please wait a little, and respond to me. I don't know why I have compassion for strangers, but I do, & it's very strong. And like I said, you're actually really helping me!
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