It's funny finding myself back on this forum. I never really thought I would after the initial thread I made. Last Friday my ex gf who I've been dating for three years told me we needed to talk. This was three days after my 21st birthday and I was still under the impression we were supposed to be going to dinner Friday night...and that she was happy. Anyway I start freaking out and finally four hours later at 5pm she finally showed up. I asked her if I could give her a hug and her response was "If you want to." So I didn't and immediately just blurted out You're here to break up with me. The actual scenario is getting kind of cloudy in my head five or six days after the fact. But the gist was me sitting on the floor crying asking her why. The first answer was she was stressed and tired, an issue we've had in the past where we both try to over extend ourselves, to which I replied how I've been trying to help so much with her work and all she said was I know, I know. The second answer was that she feels like our lives are going in two different directions, and I'm not wholely sure either of us knows what that means. The final answer was something along the lines of "You force me to say I love you. How can I know I love you if I've never experienced any other relationships? I want to know and do that." I assume there had to be someone in mind but she said no, and I trust her because she's never lied to me before. So I just kept blubbering about why is it so hard to love me? Maybe we can take a step back, so you don't love me anymore. The only thing she says back at that point is it isn't fair. Finally my crying subsides so I stand up and get my keys and she asks "Where are you going?" "Out." I also grab the bags of all the things she's given me over the three years that I gathered up two hours after her text. I go outside and she follows and as she unlocks her car I throw it all in her car. She says she doesn't want it and I turn and say or shout you know what ? It's not fair to me. Not at all. I then throw my keys at my car, miss and they go off into the woods. I then take a wind chime and hit my screen door. It didn't break. Very disappointing. I'm not normally a violent person in the least so I was caught offguard. She was in her car crying or gone at this point I really don't remember because my back was turned. I then spend most of Friday night crying, then going into some kind of emotional shock until I talk to someone about it. I sent one of her friends an angry FB message about how I know she had a hand in this and that I hope she gets hit by bus (Not very creative). I also send my ex gf four or five texts, two voice mails, one email, and seven or so missed calls just begging her to talk to me. I hang out with some friends Sat-Sun and resist the urge to contact her. Monday morning I feel like I really need some closure or an explanation so I go to her house that morning but she says she needs more time. I try to make a point of letting her know that I'm not mad at her or anyone and that I'll be here when she's ready. Monday-Tuesday goes without a hitch until Tuesday night I really start feeling shitty again. I end up sending a polite apology to her friend, half hoping she'd reply so she could lend me some insight but my inbox is still empty. Now that that's done... I can't help but feel like her friend had a huge influence on this. My ex gf looks up to her like a role model and this friend recently ended a three year relationship (I don't know if it was her or her bf that did it). This friend is also using this time to develop and assert her independence. I can't help but feel that my ex gf is emulating her actions, and this delusion isn't helped by the fact that she's spent everyday since the break with this friend. I'm also building off of this because I have no idea what the break was brought on by because my ex gf never really answered. Everyone keeps telling me to give her space, and I certainly don't want to end up on NBC dateline, but I just feel like each day that passes by is driving a larger wedge between us. I love my ex gf for all the joy and pain she's caused me; it's not like I'm chasing after an idealized version of her because I love her for who she truly is. I'm just so scared and worried and sick. I made it through Friday-Monday without any self mutilation which is a very old and dear habit of mine, and I don't think I'm going to return to it. Unfortunately I haven't had more than one meal between Friday and Today and when I tried to eat this morning I couldn't even swallow my cereal without feeling sick. All I want is to be able to sit down and talk to my ex gf but I can't do that now because I told her I would give her her space. I don't want our relationship to end like this...or ever even. This period of time is making me come to terms with the fact that I don't think we're going to get back together, and that feeling is more painful than what I was feeling this weekend. What the hell do I do?