Can't Let Her Go

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Casual, Dec 14, 2011.

  1. Casual

    Casual Member

    It's funny finding myself back on this forum. I never really thought I would after the initial thread I made.

    Last Friday my ex gf who I've been dating for three years told me we needed to talk. This was three days after my 21st birthday and I was still under the impression we were supposed to be going to dinner Friday night...and that she was happy. Anyway I start freaking out and finally four hours later at 5pm she finally showed up. I asked her if I could give her a hug and her response was "If you want to." So I didn't and immediately just blurted out You're here to break up with me.

    The actual scenario is getting kind of cloudy in my head five or six days after the fact. But the gist was me sitting on the floor crying asking her why. The first answer was she was stressed and tired, an issue we've had in the past where we both try to over extend ourselves, to which I replied how I've been trying to help so much with her work and all she said was I know, I know. The second answer was that she feels like our lives are going in two different directions, and I'm not wholely sure either of us knows what that means. The final answer was something along the lines of "You force me to say I love you. How can I know I love you if I've never experienced any other relationships? I want to know and do that."

    I assume there had to be someone in mind but she said no, and I trust her because she's never lied to me before. So I just kept blubbering about why is it so hard to love me? Maybe we can take a step back, so you don't love me anymore. The only thing she says back at that point is it isn't fair.

    Finally my crying subsides so I stand up and get my keys and she asks "Where are you going?" "Out." I also grab the bags of all the things she's given me over the three years that I gathered up two hours after her text. I go outside and she follows and as she unlocks her car I throw it all in her car. She says she doesn't want it and I turn and say or shout you know what ? It's not fair to me. Not at all. I then throw my keys at my car, miss and they go off into the woods. I then take a wind chime and hit my screen door. It didn't break. Very disappointing. I'm not normally a violent person in the least so I was caught offguard. She was in her car crying or gone at this point I really don't remember because my back was turned.

    I then spend most of Friday night crying, then going into some kind of emotional shock until I talk to someone about it. I sent one of her friends an angry FB message about how I know she had a hand in this and that I hope she gets hit by bus (Not very creative). I also send my ex gf four or five texts, two voice mails, one email, and seven or so missed calls just begging her to talk to me.

    I hang out with some friends Sat-Sun and resist the urge to contact her. Monday morning I feel like I really need some closure or an explanation so I go to her house that morning but she says she needs more time. I try to make a point of letting her know that I'm not mad at her or anyone and that I'll be here when she's ready.

    Monday-Tuesday goes without a hitch until Tuesday night I really start feeling shitty again. I end up sending a polite apology to her friend, half hoping she'd reply so she could lend me some insight but my inbox is still empty.

    Now that that's done... I can't help but feel like her friend had a huge influence on this. My ex gf looks up to her like a role model and this friend recently ended a three year relationship (I don't know if it was her or her bf that did it). This friend is also using this time to develop and assert her independence. I can't help but feel that my ex gf is emulating her actions, and this delusion isn't helped by the fact that she's spent everyday since the break with this friend. I'm also building off of this because I have no idea what the break was brought on by because my ex gf never really answered.

    Everyone keeps telling me to give her space, and I certainly don't want to end up on NBC dateline, but I just feel like each day that passes by is driving a larger wedge between us. I love my ex gf for all the joy and pain she's caused me; it's not like I'm chasing after an idealized version of her because I love her for who she truly is.

    I'm just so scared and worried and sick. I made it through Friday-Monday without any self mutilation which is a very old and dear habit of mine, and I don't think I'm going to return to it. Unfortunately I haven't had more than one meal between Friday and Today and when I tried to eat this morning I couldn't even swallow my cereal without feeling sick.

    All I want is to be able to sit down and talk to my ex gf but I can't do that now because I told her I would give her her space. I don't want our relationship to end like this...or ever even. This period of time is making me come to terms with the fact that I don't think we're going to get back together, and that feeling is more painful than what I was feeling this weekend.

    What the hell do I do?
  2. marklondon

    marklondon Well-Known Member

    (A) No matter who she is, she's not worth it. No matter how in love with her you are, she is a flawed human being just like everyone else.

    (B) It is a fair point that she is young and inexperienced, and like many people, will therefore wonder what it's like to be involved with other people. Do you really want to get back together with her now, when she's filled with those doubts? If she's not actually ready to settle down, and you cajole her into it, she'll just end up cheating on you or breaking up with you later, unless she is a saint. (The fact that you think she hasn't lied to you yet is not evidence that she won't lie to you in the future. Up until the first time, no one lies to anyone.)

    (C) If you actually want her back anyway, the absolute worst thing you can do is to seem needy and desperate, as that is really unattractive. So whether or not you actually think you would be best off with her, the best thing you can do is to calm down and focus on other things, accept that it's over and build yourself up as a new and independent person.

    Yes, it's a long and tortuous process. I'm 7 months into a breakup of a relationship which lasted 8 years, and I have no idea how long it's going to take me to 'get over it'. I have now accepted that I'm better off without her, but if I had wanted to get back together with her, I ruined any hope of that with my destructive and desperate behaviour during the first few months. It sounds like you might be going along that path too (it probably doesn't help your chances to tell her esteemed friend you hope she gets hit by a bus).

    All I can say is: Just let go and start to move on. If there's any chance of her wanting you back, that is your best hope; if not, it is also your best way of moving forward with life.
  3. Casual

    Casual Member

    Thank you. I'm attempting to come to terms with that and in the long run three years really isn't that long in the scheme of things. I made the mistake of going to her house shortly after writing this message because I thought I would be able to change her mind. I wasn't haha.

    So now we're truly said and done. It was never about settling down or anything like that. I just thought she was happy. Instead she's been feeling trapped by my emotional dependence on her... but in all honesty she's been just as if not more so dependent on me. So I think I really need this time to try to find ways to make myself happy and live for me. Even if we don't have a future together that's no reason for me to not have a future. There really isn't anything like an overwhelming rush of self preservation to make that sort of thing apparent.

    So thank you. I'm definitely going to do my best to not contact her again. If she can end it on a whim like this than I should not try to expend every waking minute of my life trying to win her back because it's her issue, not mine.
  4. Casual

    Casual Member

    As a mega super update.

    I left after talking today and knew it was over, we both were.

    I got a text six hours saying if I ever randomly show up again it's restraining order time.

    Now I realize that this is a completely different woman than I fell in love with all those years ago. And it's making it even easier to get over.
  5. marklondon

    marklondon Well-Known Member

    Wow. This really resonates with me. One of the things I've learned recently is that people seem completely unprepared for what happens when they break someone's heart, and I guess there is so much popular talk about lunatics who stalk people, or who are verbally abusive, or whatever other kind of insanity, that as soon as someone has a strong emotional reaction, the easiest thing is to pigeon-hole them into one of those categories of madness. Obviously, there can sometimes be a fuzzy distinction between, say, unrequited love and unhealthy obsession. But immediately to criminalise or diagnose with a disorder anyone who even momentarily loses their calm just seems to me to be indicative of an extremely anaemic understanding of human nature.

    Well I guess as you said, this should make it easier to get over it!

    Best of luck to you.
  6. Lisani

    Lisani Member

    Hi Casual,

    I wish I could give you a hug. You're very brave to be willing to confront this so soon!

    I've only had three relationships - that's it - and all long term. In the second, I was that girlfriend who suddenly ended everything, and left a bewildered guy in my wake. Was it the kindest thing to do? At first glance, it sure doesn't look very nice, but maybe it was in the long run. We were both inexperienced and ill-matched, and while my intentions were pretty darn selfish at the time, the result was still the better alternative. When you're too young and inexperienced, and just not mature enough to straddle that gap, things are likely to fall through. He was devastated, and I was aloof. When he freaked out and threw a milk jug (1/2 gallon) at my head, I tried to demonize him just the way your ex is threatening a restraining order on you. It's so much easier to make the people we've hurt into monsters than to accept and process that we've simply gone separate and not so neat-and-tidy ways. I think your recognizing her as a flawed person, like everyone else, is a very thoughtful, fair, and intuitive attitude to take towards a wound so fresh.

    Now on the other hand, I've been in your shoes. My boyfriend of three years pulled the plug on us when I was at my lowest and sickest point (mentally and physically) - but it wasn't because he was weak or mean or a bad person at all. Instead, he simply recognized that he couldn't save me, and really didn't want to compromise himself by trying at the time. It hurt like hell, but was it totally selfish? Not really; people have to play the defensive or risk being dragged down by those of us who've already fallen quite far. I was devastated, even though, on the outside, I remained calm and understanding. But his choice was the right one to make, and I surely didn't have the guts to cut him loose on my own. For me, the best part of this crappy situation was that I learned how to be me without being half-defined by him, and while being independent. I didn't play the field at all, but I had to get comfortable with myself as "just me."

    The crazy thing was, almost two years later, and after never having talked at all, he sought me out and drove three and a half hours for "coffee." That was over a year ago. Since then, we've been able to explore our relationship as adults with a little less codependency. It's not easy, especially because he's on the other side of the world right now. But in a week, we're going to Chicago, and in a year, who knows? I'm not saying that this will happen in your relationship. Chances are, it's over, and that's a good thing. What I'm trying to get at is that when you handle a breakup maturely, as you seem to have already begun, and permit yourself to grow from it while releasing the other person, you open yourself up to that best relationship we're all searching for.

    Gosh, I sound like a romantic schmuck. Honestly, for the next few weeks, I'd recommend hanging with the guys and complaining about finicky girls - we all need some time to grieve and be callous. Some folks can't handle the inner turmoil of others, and some can. Right now, let yourself be whatever your feelings dictate, and when the intensity subsides a little, give independence a go.

    Take care,

  7. Casual

    Casual Member

    Thank you folks!

    I've been doing really well. I still have the occasional hurt and I've only lost my resolve twice and called her saying we should talk because I want to say how I really feel rather than bending over backwards trying to appease her.

    I wish she wasn't being so immature about the whole thing; she even avoided seeing a movie just because of me. I went with some friends, she walked in and saw me and walked right back out!

    I don't necessarily agree with why or how we broke up. But I realize it's not my issue. My biggest problem in all of this was that I can't control how people think and act, no matter how suave or persuasive I like to believe I am. And it sucks that I'm being turned into this, as they put it "Physically Abusive Monster who trapped her". It feels like I haven't talked to my ex gf in two weeks. Everything she's said has been a regurgitation of her friend who I told to go get hit by a bus.

    I made my mistakes in the course of the relationship and the break up, but I know that I did my best. And no matter what they say about me, the truth will out. And that's all that matters.