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can't manage my senior semester at college this depressed

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by shermana55, Mar 30, 2016.

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  1. shermana55

    shermana55 Active Member

    I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for over ten years now. I am in my senior semester at college about to graduate. I only have 1 month left. I am Type A personality and I promised myself I'd graduate Summa Cum Laude. I feel like I have NOTHING else to me except for my grade point average. It's all that I'm proud of and feel that I am in control of....well... this semester my anxiety and depression has been at it's worst. I can't focus in class, I am always lethargic (I'm also anemic, but they do not know the cause as it is not dietary..that's another story) I always have anxiety attacks in class because I feel like I'm trapped. My heart races and I feel the need to escape and get out of there. I have 8AM class and it is really tough for me to wake up and sit through a 2 hour lecture... so I've missed about 90% of my classes and I can still manage an A but I just can't do classwork anymore and I can't bring myself to go to class and now my grades are suffering. I feel like my medicines have dulled my creativity and some of my intelligence and I have trouble with word recall/short-term memory and feel like I'm in a constant brain fog. I can't articulate my thoughts out loud or even on paper anymore. I used to be an incredible writer until I got on medicine. I used to be extremely intelligent and now it's really a struggle. Nothing seems to make me happy or excited. I just want to graduate. I need a break. I have been going nonstop to graduate (taking summer AND winter courses) for 4 years straight now and have not had an academic break. I'm too anxious to do this anymore. I'm too depressed. I sleep all day and any chance I get. I'm too depressed to shower or go grocery shopping...I don't know what's happening to me. I feel completely unable to do the most mundane tasks. I just need help and someone to talk to. My boyfriend doesn't understand depression. My mom is going through too much right now and gets frustrated when I tell her what's going on because she thinks it's as simple as "just force yourself to do it!" when its NOT. My dad is more depressed than me, lost his job from opiate addiction last summer from an extremely successful job position and now lays around watching movies all day, refusing to get up to do anything. Am I subject to becoming him? Am I already him laying around all day? I never want to turn out like him. He is lazy and completely a broken man unable to care for himself.
    How do I get out of this stump?????? How do I do these small tasks? I feel so tired (anemia or depression induced or BOTH double whammy) that I can't do things. I am in bed with my eyes so heavy and feeling out of it. I tried leaving a voicemail to my psychiatrist but I couldn't articulate what I needed to say and ended up stuttering.
    I've never been so socially awkward. I don't leave my room. I don't socialize I get too scared and back out. I was always extremely "popular" in high school. I was social and took care of myself and had it all together. Now I'm just a mess.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there and welcome to the forum,

    First of all if you are in a crisis right now you need to get yourself to your local crisis team at the hospital. Tell them what your medication is doing to you? I have the exact same issue, I could be in the middle of a sentence and completely have no idea what I was talking about.

    Secondly, perhaps your anaemia is making you so tired and lethargic that you just don't feel up to it. Have you had your cortisol tested or thyroid? Are you on iron tablets for the anaemia?

    You are going through a lot, I think you should take one thing at a time. You are intelligent and you can get through this rough patch is your life. See your doctor, maybe they can give you medicines that are less sedating? ((hugs)) to you. I am really sorry you are struggling this much. Do you have friends you can talk to about this? I really hope things improve for you :)
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Hi, and welcome @shermana55 . I am sorry to hear how you're struggling.

    Is there any chance you can take a break from your studies if you need to? Just to get yourself a bit better and continue, it sounds like you've been working really hard!

    I too think it would be a good idea to see your doctor about your medication, and also look into iron tablets, etc. Maybe you need vitamins? I know I always feel better when I get my vitamins and when I had iron tablets too... being stressed and if you have a poor diet not being able to grocery shop etc. you might be lacking vitamins as well? Try to take some multi vitamins.

    Don't give up on yourself hun. There is always a solution. I know anxiety is terrible... gosh I know. One thing I do personally is 'trick' myself to having to go out... I have to do my grocery shopping once in a while and I'll often 'forget' something important on the list so I have to go back tomorrow.

    My therapist said something interesting about my anxiety today... I always run and hide away and avoid doing things... but I have to start trying, with baby steps though, to get into some situations so I can experience that it isn't always dangerous and horrible like my anxious mind thinks.
    Much easier said than done... but by staying inside you're not doing yourself any favours... *hugs*
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