can't move

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kokoro, Oct 6, 2009.

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  1. kokoro

    kokoro New Member

    I've been stuck -- and I can't explain in words any better than those. And I am stuck.

    I'm 20 and I've been depressed since I was 14. At about 16 it became to the point that I just couldn't live life normally. I couldn't go outside. Life was work for me. Friends, interaction, my day-to-day life was like a show and I was done with it.

    When I was about 18-19 I realized I had developed a serious emotional issue while on my medication. And I sought help without doctors or my parents. Over the past year, I've let everything out of the box, and I feel like I've woken up, and I've regained my own identity and personality. And without having my depression and feelings about life dulled by the meds, I'm in more pain than ever.

    I don't want help. I don't want meds. I don't want to stuff it all away and force myself to live life. I don't want a crutch or reassuring thoughts. I want this wall that's been building up for all these years to let me go! I want to have what I want feel good again! And be fulfilling! I want to have a direction that I can live my life!

    I don't even know what to say on here. I felt horrible, and my hands just typed in words and I registered without even thinking. I don't know what I'm expecting to get from anyone.

    The main thing I guess is doing hurts. Not doing what I want to have done hurts. I know the things you could tell somehow who is in isolation. Just do it! Get out there. Find something! Force yourself. But I had that. I lived like that for a long time and I'd rather do my best without force than force myself to do my best.

    It took me a year, but I did find 2 things that didn't hurt. I realized that I love being around kids! And I don't care what they do or say I just love everything about them.

    So the first thing I did was went on a long plane flight to where I grew up, and visited the school I grew up at and got to know all the kids. I've never been anywhere by myself before. I can't even walk to the store by myself or even drive, and I've been in isolation for almost half a decade, and suddenly I'm flying to a place by myself and I wasn't scared, and I wasn't forcing myself! And not just that, It was like life itself was supporting me to make it all work!! It turns out I got to go with free-flyer miles. Someone I used to know when I was younger heard and randomly offers to give me a place to stay while I'm there. I could go on and on.

    Then the next thing was when that trip ended and I got back, I ended up getting a volunteer job at a school near where I live. And I'm just starting with that.

    It sounds great, but it's only a part of my life. Maybe I just need to go back to that school that I grew up at. I've wanted to go back there since I left. But I poke holes in all of it. I don't know if I want to leave where I live. I don't know!!

    I just...I don't make it sound painful enough, lol. I'm not the type to express my issues, I look at what I wrote and it all sounds pretty easy or positive. But I think I'll leave it at that for now.

    Thank you anyone for reading.

    I always hope that eventually the things I go through that are painful I can have in the end be good things because I can share them with other people who are are in similar situations. I never had any understanding or even sympathy with suicidal people or depressive people until I was right there myself without a clue what to do.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I love working with kids too. I worked at a day care for a while, and it was the best job I had. I hope you can find a job working with kids since it sounds like something you really enjoy!
  3. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    I'm happy for you. It seems you found your meaning to live. That's one of the most precious things one can have.

    Good idea making that trip, going somewhere far from home is always a great way to let go of some steam and see life from a cleaner window.

    Hope your life continues to improve.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    glad you posted here hope you continue to it helps to keep one thoughts straight Children do bring alot of joy they are so free with their ideas and friendship no strings attached
  5. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    When you said your fingers just typed it out sounds like it's ready to be told. You are very welcome to post here.

    Congrats on your plane trip. Traveling by oneself is liberating.

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