cant pick myself up again....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lackingfight, Sep 22, 2010.

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  1. lackingfight

    lackingfight New Member

    hi,im new to this site,and may i say,wow,i had no idea what to expect,there are so many of us struggling to cope these days,all have different reasons,but all share 1 thing...wanting to end the pain.my heart goes out to all of you on here,and the many others that havnt made it here.i hope you all get to where you want to be,wherever it may be.
    my story...well for the last few months ive been thinking about ending it,never thought of it before,but somethings happened in june that i cannot seem to move past.some of you may have heard of the crossbow cannibal in bradford,he murdered 3 girls and ate them...well i was his next door neighbour for 4 years,the night of the last murder i was in and heard her cry but assumed it was just drunk ppl messing,so ignored it...i now know it was a girls last words,a cry for help,and i ignored that.....i deserve nothing but scorn i know,that i could probably deal with,but im having trouble forgiving myself.ive sought help but i soon turn away from it,because i feel that if that girl had no help why should i? everybody says what could you have done,i would have just been shot too,but thats not the point,i should have tried at least.i cant change that,every night is the same,in bed awake goin over it,hearin her voice over and over.its getting too much,and ive recently had these irrational feelings that when i die,i may see the girl again in the afterlife and be able to apologise to her.i lost my job,my home,my long term girlfriend,and have withdrawn almost completely from life,rarely leaving the house,because of this as if im subconciusly preparing myself.
    in the end it comes down to the fact that i no longer believe i have a place in society,ive actually had a great life,travelled the world and met some great ppl,seen some wonderful things.as the saying goes...quit while your ahead....thanks for listening,take care everyone.
     
  2. lackingfight

    lackingfight New Member

    ps...only reason im still here is that i have 2 beautiful chinchillas that i want to make sure are properly cared for/rehomed before i go.
     
  3. Confused and Lost

    Confused and Lost Well-Known Member

    I hear your pain, woah you been through alot but what people say is true what could you of done. Have you thought maybe to move on in your life you could become a cop or something and prevent this ever happening again and promote cases such as this to people to make this happen less often etc. As this may be helpful to you as this way you will feel like you are doing justice to the world and get the feeling that people rely on you to stop this. There is nothing you could of done.
    :) x
     
  4. lackingfight

    lackingfight New Member

    thankyou,and i hear what your saying,i did actually try to get on a volunteer project working with offenders about to be released,trying to keep them straight,thought it might go some way to repairing my damage.unfortunately with my state of mind,they wont touch me,,,kind of a catch22 position.ive really lost pretty much everything and i havnt got the motivation or inclination to start again.basically ive switched off...i just stumbled across this site and decided to write a bit about my situation,leave a bit about myself,u know.
     
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