Can't really ignore this anymore

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by BariMutation, Jan 21, 2009.

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  1. BariMutation

    BariMutation Member

    Okay, this is going to sound REALLY stupid, I know, but I can't help it. It's not that I've been having suicidal thoughts like "I hate my life" or anything like that. In fact, I live a pretty fufilling life, and I know that I'm a lot luckier than most people out there. I'm smart overall, I'm very involved with extra-curricular stuff like marching band (I'm even the drum major), and I have friends. Even so, I've been having thoughts of "Why bother?" since I was a freshman, and I'm now a junior. I go to a medical academy, and along with that brings constant thoughts about what we (as in my peers and I) are going to do with our lives.

    I know that I want to work in medicine, more specifically internal medicine, but when I think about my future I have trouble picturing much of anything. I know that I'd be able to make it through schooling, but my biggest thing is that I don't really want to. This isn't a case of laziness, I just hate school - even though my GPA is high, I have to work extremely hard. In fact, I was supposed to be in a special-ed room, but I worked through that. Frankly, I'm done working. It's hard to explain... I don't exactly want to be a doctor, but on the other hand, I don't want to be much of anything else. I looked into working with music - you know, writing music for video games/movies/TV/whatever - but I don't think that I'm creative enough. On top of that, I doubt my mother would be proud of that; she says that she would be, but I'm just not too sure.

    Which leads me to the "Why bother?" question. When I think of my future, simply not being here seems a lot better than anything I can come up with. Being so in to science, I've become an athiest over the years, so the thought of an afterlife never crosses my mind. It's quite depressing once I really think about it - you live, you work your hardest, and then you die... that's it.

    I think that this boils down to a few things; for one, I don't think I can do everything it takes to become a doctor or anything else really. Secondly, what's the point? I mean, like I described before, nothing is going to come out of it. And finally, I see simply not exsisting a lot more preferable choice than living through all of this. I'm not that the state of ready to kill myself, far from it, but it is a little disturbing to be having these thoughts for this many years. The closer that my graduation day approaches, the more I have these thoughts, and the more I see myself either pulling a Christopher McCandless (I have seriously thought of that lol) or just ending it.

    Sorry, that turned out to be a lot longer than what I planned... :unsure:
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Perhaps medicine isn't the right path for you. Is there any subjects which you enjoy and feel you have a strong interest in.
  3. sohotwetbabe

    sohotwetbabe Guest

    I'm sorry to hear that this point in your life is confusing to you.

    I did read that dissatisfaction with life can be used as a springboard for action.

    Is this time to examine your life to see what you really want?
  4. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    Well, the only good reason to bother is because we're here. Yep, quite frankly, nothing matters. So we're here and we might as well make with the best of what we've got. I'm sure you'd be happier when schools over - doing what you love everyday, being a doctor, rather than dropping out and working in a warehouse or even food service the next 30 years. That will make life even more pointless than it already is.

    I can understand where you're coming from, I'm not even attempting school. I wish you luck, though.
  5. BariMutation

    BariMutation Member

    Well yeah, if I choose to keep on going, I'll definately end up being a doctor. Even so, it just doesn't seem to suit me, and it's not that I haven't thought about my career options - I've wanted to be a doctor since I could talk XD But as I get older, the less I really want to do college at all. And, as someone said before, I'm sure as hell not going to be happy working in fast food for the rest of my life, so what's really left? I mean, I'm not the kind of person to just put a gun to my head, but I have been seriously considering doing what Christopher McCandless did (see Into The Wild)... would that even be considered suicide? XD Ugh, this is crazy, I can't believe I'm on here complaining when other people aren't even going to eat tonight...
  6. endlessskies58

    endlessskies58 Well-Known Member

    hello! i'm new to this place but i totally understand how you feel! the trick is figuring out where your heart is! what makes you happy and gives you that warm feeling! where do you feel you will EXCEL and give back to humanity. and stop doubting yourself! you are gonna do awesome being either! i am an animation major because i'm awesome at art and am pretty creative i think(the depression helps i suppose) but i've thought about becoming a doctor like you because i simply want to help people. i watch shows on national geographic about people who are SO much worse off than us with the strangest diseases and it would be AWESOME to be that one person who could figure out how to end their suffering. and as for not believing in anything afterwards, i understand that too. but then strange things have happened to me since (relatives have died and i think they came back to visit me... weird huh?) i've also had dreams come true. and that's what made me start to second guess stuff. we may know a lot of science, but we don't know EVERYTHING. i think god and dimensions beyond us like where maybe souls reside is beyond us still. lol, maybe if you're a doctor you should get with a superstitious wife to set off the balance... sorry i wrote too much. LOVE!
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Why don't you become a therapist . I mean damn mine makes $140 an hour. I pay $40 and she bills the insurance for $100. It's only a four year course I think. That way you are able to still help people.
  8. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, there!

    First, congratulations on being able to work extremely hard to get a high GPA!

    Next, I think working hard goes with the territory of any profession. However, for something like medicine, it's to your advantage if you already know how to work hard because you've "had to". It will be a "habit" that you've already developed. Besides, while there are some people who find the studying easier than others do, I'm sure they find other aspects of the training more difficult - perhaps more difficult than you do.

    However, if you aren't sure being a doctor is the exact career path you want in the long run, have you considered other "related" careers such as Stranger1's idea of becoming a therapist? The career that ran through my mind as I read your post was Emergency Medical Technician (ambulance medic). Or perhaps you really want to do something else but have pressured into pre-med courses. I dunno...

    No matter what you choose to do as a career, if you are pleased, happy and satisfied by what you give to it and what it gives to you, then it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, hun. It's nice if our families are pleased/proud of our choices, but it's significantly more important as individuals for us to be happy about our life choices and what we do.

    I'm only guessing, but I think you are a "young adult" - which means time is on your side and allows you flexibility. You can change your mind a little later and still be "young" if you decide on another career path.

    All the best, whatever you do! :smile: :hug:

  9. Pad

    Pad Well-Known Member

    I couldn't agree more, I have an open mind and like to search for my own proof when it comes to the meaning of life, or not the meaning, but what we are here for. Most people I talk to about this seem very narrow minded about this and can't put an argument for it. They say things like 'oh c'mon, that's just silly' well why is it so silly? Because someone told you it is? Well thats more silly. lol I give arguments as to why I believe such things and they would just laugh without giving an explanation, just quoting something that someone they don't know has said.

    umm, did this go a bit off topic? sorry :unsure:
  10. darkrider

    darkrider Well-Known Member

    I have the same issue.

    Well, actually for a long time I thought I wanted to do medicine, more precisely dermatology. I thought because of the issues i've had myself i'd be able to give something back into it. But, it's not as simple as that. More than anything I think lifestyle is essential. I've considered medicine over and over for years, the fact i'd be working long hours, and training for many years. Medicine is a vocation more than anything I guess, and it's very stressful. I know doctors leave the profession. So i've thought to myself maybe it's not the best option after all. There are things to get out of life, other than work. How many of the people in the world are doctors anyway? not many. I'm still 20 and there's still time to decide, but I think it seems obvious medicine isn't the one. For the issues raised and lifestyle, I also don't want to be training from now into my thirties. If i'm going to live I want to try and live free and with fewer restraints.

    Another issue is depression of course, which is what you describe. Can you stick to it for 10-13 years however long it takes? Would you rather do a 3 yr degree etc, then be ready to go.

    You could always put university off for a year or two. Work some jobs and get your head around the world, or see what you feel like afterwards. I know it's not as simple as that with depression and sadness though.

    I feel like you a lot. I feel so full of sadness, and lacking in passion, i'd rather switch off than continue living into later life when i'm old. Of course it's not as straight forward as that. This is when I feel trapped. And because I feel trapped I feel less out of life each day.
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