Can't really think of a title.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Juriasu, Sep 8, 2012.

  1. Juriasu

    Juriasu New Member

    I guess I'll start by explaining that even though this is my first post on the forum, I've actually had this account for a while now.

    I just deleted so much text I had written for this post. I went on and on about my life and it wasn't even what I came here to say. Basically I wanted to say this:

    Fuck this.

    I don't like swearing much so I try to avoid it unless I feel it's really needed to convey my feeling.

    People have dreams, they want to be love and be loved, they want to "live life". Yet it seems no one has any intention of letting any one else have those same things. People go out of their way to be jerks to You, and no matter how hard you try You will at some point be a jerk to some one else. This is what has triggered my appearance on this forum today.

    I'm in college right now trying to make my dream come true, maybe finding someone to love. But since everyone must bullshit each other as much as possible, that dream now seems VERY far away. Rules seemingly exist to hinder your progress, violating technicalities is a no-no and apparently a much bigger deal than actually trying to accomplish something. I can't imagine ever being anything but what I'm in this place trying to become, but apparently I don't want to accomplish this dream quite enough.

    At this point I haven't went to classes for six months, so maybe they are right. Maybe I'm just not determined enough to make it a reality. I think I'm still welcome to return to classes if I wanted to, but I'd have a lot to catch up on of course. I want to just go there, sit down and show them. Show them that I deserve to be there as much as anyone, even though I am the quietest guy in class. Even though I am extremely unsure of my own abilities these days. I feel like if I do that things might be okay. But truth is I'm afraid of it all. I'm afraid my classmates will ask me where I've been (I live 5 minutes from campus, but I am VERY good at avoiding people). I'm afraid they wont let me go at all. But I'm most afraid of them letting me go to class, and I fuck it up again. In the end everything is really my fault. And everyone else on this planet seems to be in the business of reminding me of it.

    I know that in the grand scheme of things, nothing I do will have any meaning. But I think I've come to realize that what I do in this brief moment of existence has meaning to me. I don't want a life of regrets. It's just hard when you seem destined to fail.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...I am the Queen of putting things off, so I speak from experience...the only way to solve these things is to show up...speak to a counselor at the school and see how you can make it work for you...maybe you might also want to talk about why you did not show up...also, maybe you should cut back the course load until you can catch up so that it is a workable plan...just some suggestions from an older person who has dug very big holes and has had to climb out of them many times.