can't say

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Wastingecho, Mar 15, 2016.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i can't say the thoughts that are in my head - against the rules here - i understand why but it means they stay locked there

    no one else i can talk to - too afraid - no one i can trust

    the pain is so intense right now, the emptiness, the loneliness

    started building since i got up, growing on the train

    almost broke down ordering a fucking breakfast from the deli

    looking at a day filled with people who don't give a shit about me

    i'm alone, i'm nothing and the pain of it is eating a hole in me

    can't take this pain right now, not sure i can't take this pain any more

    i'm trying - out of habit but i'm trying

    but when you're alone and hurting and that's all you'll ever be, when everyone looks at you but no one sees you, what's the point?
    Red Nightmare likes this.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I care and am here if you need to get those thoughts out of your head. You're always welcome to contact me anytime.

    And I'm confused, because I replied to this earlier and my reply is gone. The same thing happened in a different thread too. So if this shows up twice, I'm sorry. But it's not showing my first reply.
  3. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Can you write it down &/or email yourself the thoughts? Sometimes, when there's nowhere else to turn, that's what works for me... Good luck!
  4. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    these thoughts aren't safe - so many plans, so many options - if i write them down or talk about them, i'm afraid it might make one of them real
  5. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    Hey, I've been there... Am close now. The thing is... I have been there many times now. I have attempted it a few times now... Obviously none worked and they left scars and injuries for life.

    If you need to talk pm me
  6. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    been there - keep going back

    and back and back and back and back

    don't want to do this any more
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm sorry you feel so alone. *hug* I care, even if that's something you can't or won't believe. Here if you need anything.
    AdamTide likes this.
  8. AdamTide

    AdamTide Well-Known Member

    It may not seem like it but you are NOT alone. Look at all the people on here who care about you and are encouraging you ! :) You may feel broken but you are stronger than you think. You CAN overcome all this. Like Mister said, writing it down can help a lot. It helps to get it OUT. Do what you enjoy whether it be singing or walking or driving around or just whatever. Music can help as music is therapy. Listen to uplifting songs. Listen to comforting songs. Listen to Rockabye by Shawn Mullins. In it he sings "everything's gonna be alright." Listen to Alright by Darius Rucker. He sings how everything is alright and how sometimes all we need is what we already have. Breathe by Anna Nalick is a comforting song as she sings "cradle your head in your hands and breathe, just breathe" You may be able to relate to Adam Duritz in Perfect Blue Buildings where he sings "how am I gonna keep myself away from me". He has faced big struggles in his life yet he has accomplished a lot and touched many, many people. And you can too. Helping others helps them AND you. You could volunteer at a local charity or donate to your local food closet. Positive thinking can help a lot. Try to think as positively as you can. Tell yourself that there's really nothing to fear and that everything is going to be ok. You can get so much good out of life. :) I and all the others here will be glad to help in ANY way we can. hug
  9. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    if i start writing these thoughts down i will be immediately edited and banned

    there is nothing that i enjoy any more - music, reading, tv - all is does is make me break down

    you know what lyric has been going through my head all day?

    "Hold me now. I'm 6 feet from the edge and I'm thinking, maybe 6 feet ain't so far down."

    nothing is going to make this alright
    Lestat likes this.
  10. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    @Wastingecho I am so, so sorry you're having such a hard time.

    I am here if you want to talk. I do care!

    Are you getting any help though? Are you seeing a therapist? Are you getting any medication?
    It really can get better. This is not the end. I see so much strength in you from reading your posts here actually. Use that strength to reach out and get some help.

    AdamTide likes this.
  11. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    No more meds - never again - too many to remember and none of them worth a damp

    No more therapists, psychs, hospitals - none of them listens, none of them can be trusted - if I get hospitalized again I will die there

    Rather die on my own terms

    No friends - been years since i've heard a voice that wasn't a survey, telemarketer, or collector

    Haven't shared a bed with anyone other than the cats in months

    Can't remember the last time I had a hug from someone who actually meant it

    At this point I don't think I want anyone to even touch me

    Hate myself so much I can't believe anybody else can actually give a shit
  12. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I do give a shit. I always have, and always will. You can get in touch anytime.
    AdamTide likes this.
  13. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Can't believe it - makes no sense

    Deserve to feel this way
  14. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know it's hard for you to believe, and I understand why.

    You don't deserve to feel this way.
  15. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Sometimes we have untrue views of ourselves. And so, it's nice to come on here and get an unbiased opinion or two... I agree with W.C.!:)
  16. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    And sometimes the truth can't be ignored

    How can anyone have an unbiased opinion?

    Uninformed opinion - I can't open myself up enough to let anybody know me - I don't even know me - maybe I never could, never did

    I have no future, nothing to look forward to - just more of ...THIS

    If I don't kill myself now then i'll only end up back here in a few months, weeks, days

    Just have to get it right once
  17. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Please don't harm yourself. I'm sorry you are feeling the way you are but know you can overcome this and one day it will all be history. Sorry I cannot remember if you are in therapy? If not, give it a chance and fight this head on. Everyone deserves a chance and you are just as important as the next person and remember that your thoughts are not facts :)
  18. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    NO - no more therapists - tried too many - all they want to do is drug you senseless and if you finally somehow manage to be honest and tell them how horrible you feel you just end up in the ER in handcuffs - even though they told you that would never happen as long as did what you were told to

    I DID - i called them like i was supposed to, listened to them, did everything they asked and then the COPS SHOW UP AT MY HOME!!!

    i already felt like shit then get paraded into the hospital and put in a chair with everyone staring at me wondering what crime i committed

    fuck therapy, fuck drugs, fuck this life
  19. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Please don't go through with anything.
  20. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Hey there, Wastingecho, I'm sorry for before, I misspoke--I should have said less judgmental views; in reference to you and your situation than anybody else in your real life. So, sometimes environments such as this succeed, in part, by their anyonimity and the ability to not have the baggage that exists in our own head space, as well as by our friends, family - whoever offline. I'm very sorry for the way that you were treated before by the health care system (mental health must be one of the poorest customer satisfaction departments in existence). And I hope that you can find another way to reduce your pain, besides what you're thinking about now. I understand; we all understand, it consumes most of us here. So, you're not alone. I sometimes think of my struggle as a bit of a math problem... Trouble is, I'm terrible at that! Take care and let us know if there's anything else that we can do. Truly, MisterBGone-
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