Can't see any light anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mr_Black, Oct 17, 2009.

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  1. Mr_Black

    Mr_Black Member


    my loss, my lack of drive & my future are the cause of my depression. I lost my girlfriend, my future wife & mother of my kid because I lied to her to cover up my shortcomings in my personality. She discovered and dumped me. 8 weeks went by where she had a rebound but she came back cos she loved me deeply, I was thrilled. I then lied again about other shortcomings .... Dumped me again and that was about 6 weeks ago.

    If I'd been 'normal' like everyone else I know I'd feel normal like everyone else, instead I have nothing, no drive, no ambition, no life & I feel suicidal

    I can't find the strength no matter how hard I try. My time with my ex was the happiest time of my life, we'd dine at beautiful restuarants, go to the theatre, stay in hotels, travel to visit her friends & family and live life like I've never lived before. Now I know what I'm missing, what life is really like but can't have it anymore is killing me. I feel so lost. Not able to get a job since redundancy, lost everything where she had a new job, new car and new friends

    spoke to the Samaritans twice today and feel better for a little while but the darkness just seems to get darker. The thoughts of my loss is becoming too much to bare.

    I've been researching suicide again and it's looking like the only way out again and that scares me. My whole life seems to be sorrow & unfulfilment and coupled with my love leaving me i'm looking for a way out.

    I know the moment I pull the hood over my head will terrify me but I've sourced some pills which will calm me. It just seems so reassuring to have this power over my life. I'm 40 and have nothing including hope & drive ... Just want to sleep

    Need to do more research, source more paraphernalia and that excites me, and that scares me ... That I'm so eager

    Help me god, just help me pls
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Please keep posting and read our posts too. This will help. When the feelings get too much, call the crisis line.

    Are you getting treatment for your depression?

  3. Mr_Black

    Mr_Black Member

    Yes I take 20mg citalopram & 3.75mg zoliclone daily

    I can't find happiness in anything. I don't want to talk to anyone, just want silence. Don't want to listen to music, read, watch tv or leave my house. Just research suicide is the only thing that i find happiness

    just want to find solice
  4. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    How long have you been taking your treatment? Because I relate a lot in what you're saying. I feel better now, one day out two, about that, and I've been on meds for 7 months now. Sleeping better helps two. Longer nights, shorter days. Give yourself time, and forgiveness because it's not your fault, ok? Feel free to contact me.
  5. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Know exactly what ya going thrgh i came home from work oneday to find my bags packed after 10 yrs of marrage.I do find comfort in coming to this sght thgh as it helps get thngs off my chest without ppl being judgemental.Was researching suicide too how i came across this sght now i keep coming here instead of researching so maybe its a good thng you found this sght too.
  6. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    Mr. Black,
    the same thing happened to me. instead of being honest about myself from the start, i pretended i was someone i wasn't and the girl fell in love with the fake me. when the real me came out, she told me she wasn't attracted to me anymore.

    i hate it when they say that a man should take responsibility for his actions, but i know that i learnt from it a lesson i should never forget. i'd rather be rejected for the real me from the gate go than be dumped later on in the relationship when i have already fallen in love.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    not making short of your feelings at this time, but why didnt you tell her what was going on from the get go ?
    that would have saved alot of pain. if you tell ppl your short commings and they dont want to deal with you anymore, thats their loss. but can you really blame her for not telling her the truth in the beginning ??
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