For about two years now, I've been having suicidal thoughts I thought they were kind of normal but then they started getting more and more frequent. Now I think about it everyday the majority of the time. I don't want to get into everything, but I started drinking 3 weeks ago and one night I was picked up by the police after I was found in the dorms making suicidal/violent threats. I had no idea what happened that night until the doctor came and told me that I was talking about killing myself. Ever since then I've been thinking about it more and more, I almost feel as if it's imminent. I've thought of different methods, One is I know if I had a gun, I'd kill myself ASAP, I also considered xxxx but I don't want to risk failing, and the third option is to drink so much I wouldn't wake up. Last weekend I drank a ton of coffee in hopes that I could drink a lot more alcohol, but the party I went to didn't have that much. The school made me go to counseling after the incident, which is sort of helping. As a result of the drinking, my grades are slipping and I can't get a GPA below 3.0. I really like going to school here, and this was my dream to come here and I'm also very lucky to have the opportunity to attend. To keep things short, I think going to school and getting grades is the only thing that I feel determines my worth. I would be absolutely devastated if I had to drop out. I know without a doubt, I would kill myself anyway I could if that happened. As to why I started drinking, At the start of the year, I never drank or did drugs but I was very shy so I kept myself, adding to my low self-esteem. I am very lonely, I have no friends and I don't even talk to my family. Three weeks ago I moved out to another dorm and I decided to get a fresh start and start drinking. The first night it worked and I found myself talking to people, etc. Even though the interactions were phony it felt better than nothing. The next night, I drank a fifth a vodka in my room. I don't remember three or four hours of that night, but I woke up in the hospital. Ever since then all I can think about is drinking and/or killing myself. I want to talk to someone but I don't really know where to turn and I feel that I'm running out of options. I feel that if if talking to people and counseling doesn't work then nothing will work and I'll go ahead and cut my throat. I think if I killed myself no one would care. I was in a hurry to to type this so I might have missed a few details.