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Can't see myself finishing the semester

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For about two years now, I've been having suicidal thoughts I thought they were kind of normal but then they started getting more and more frequent. Now I think about it everyday the majority of the time. I don't want to get into everything, but I started drinking 3 weeks ago and one night I was picked up by the police after I was found in the dorms making suicidal/violent threats. I had no idea what happened that night until the doctor came and told me that I was talking about killing myself. Ever since then I've been thinking about it more and more, I almost feel as if it's imminent. I've thought of different methods, One is I know if I had a gun, I'd kill myself ASAP, I also considered xxxx but I don't want to risk failing, and the third option is to drink so much I wouldn't wake up. Last weekend I drank a ton of coffee in hopes that I could drink a lot more alcohol, but the party I went to didn't have that much.
The school made me go to counseling after the incident, which is sort of helping. As a result of the drinking, my grades are slipping and I can't get a GPA below 3.0. I really like going to school here, and this was my dream to come here and I'm also very lucky to have the opportunity to attend. To keep things short, I think going to school and getting grades is the only thing that I feel determines my worth. I would be absolutely devastated if I had to drop out. I know without a doubt, I would kill myself anyway I could if that happened.
As to why I started drinking, At the start of the year, I never drank or did drugs but I was very shy so I kept myself, adding to my low self-esteem. I am very lonely, I have no friends and I don't even talk to my family. Three weeks ago I moved out to another dorm and I decided to get a fresh start and start drinking. The first night it worked and I found myself talking to people, etc. Even though the interactions were phony it felt better than nothing. The next night, I drank a fifth a vodka in my room. I don't remember three or four hours of that night, but I woke up in the hospital. Ever since then all I can think about is drinking and/or killing myself. I want to talk to someone but I don't really know where to turn and I feel that I'm running out of options. I feel that if if talking to people and counseling doesn't work then nothing will work and I'll go ahead and cut my throat. I think if I killed myself no one would care.
I was in a hurry to to type this so I might have missed a few details.


Staff Alumni
Hi Silver and welcome...many of us 'self-medicate' to try to get through what we feel are our shortcomings...I did this at the same time in uni as you are...so glad you are seeing a counselor and please ask for the services you need...also, continue to post as there are so many of us who understand what you are going through...welcome again, J

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
I hope you really try hard okay to finish the semester It is what will give you hope okay talk to the councillors there get some extra help with tutoring extra time to finish projects but do it okay No more self medicating get down to business now and finish the semester well You CAN do this with help so get some okay hugs
Hi silver,
Welcome to SF I'm sorry to hear things are such a struggle for you at the moment. I think talking to a counselor will be really positive for you, to give a chance at working through things. Can you talk to your tutor and explain how hard things are for you at the moment? Maybe they can offer you some additional support, which could be beneficial. When you spoke to the doctor did they discuss the possibility of you perhaps going on some medication? They don't help everyone but a lot of people have been aided by medication. Even if it just raises your mood slightly so you are able to focus a bit more on college, and not feel the need to self medicate. Please keep talking and letting us know what is going on for you, so we can try and support you. Take care :arms:
I called the school's counseling center on Friday, telling them that I wanted to cut my throat, they became concerned and called the police on me. I was brought to the hospital where I was evaluated and allowed to leave a few hours later. However, the school's dean of students was called, my parents and several other people. They talked about doing an involuntary medical withdraw which means I would be taken out for the semester. I have never felt more worse than I have in my life, calling them was a mistake.
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