Cant see reason

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by spidy, Mar 20, 2012.

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  1. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    I m down right over this now.Ive tryed everthing the so called professionals have told me to do i just cant find one ounce of happiness in my life.Day after day is a struggle to get thrgh sleep is non existant and my life is just full of misery.I think ive come too the point of no return and can only see oneway from all this.I know ive been down this road before but this has come back very severe and im over hospitals councillers and all that.I try to eat healthy when i have an appetite exercise i dont drink yet day by day im getting worse.I think best thing for all is to disappear and for myself.I have no control over my emotions i am sick of feeling like this its not a life.I have a plan already set out and a note half done just trying to word it proper.Ive been trying to hold on too hope but thts faded now as i cannot see any future just a life of bullshit and an existance of pain and misery.How much crap can one person recieve in a lifetime well ive had me fair share and cant take it anymore this will be best for all and im guessing there will be some ppl happy tht im gone.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi I would not be happy iwould be very sad Hope is not gone hun just feels that way because depression You will always have iur suppport okay yoi arr not alone hugs
     
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I agree with Total Eclipse, I'd be sad too. Try to keep fighting. We care about you, and your kids need you.
     
  4. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Kids love them guys too bits but they only know what there mum and nan know not there fault .Those 2 arseholes dont know they are destroying me along with things they say about me and that mole is dragging her feet with paper work so all this can move.Over 7 months now bullshit crap im fucking over it all few things left to do note done now i m over selfish ppl i mght get called one dont care been called alot of names I HATE THIS ILLNESS why when ya the better parent the other has rghts FCK THE SYSTEM sorry guys this and tht all building to this.Thanx guys for support but im beyond reason
     
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know the system has screwed you over pretty bad. Your kids still need you around though. I don't know how old they are now, but at some point they'll be old enough to make their own decisions, and they'll see you for who you are. They'll realize you aren't the person those people have made you out to be. But if you go, they'll never have that chance.

    I'd never call you any names; I know you're just frustrated and tired of fighting. But I hope you find the strength to hold on. And if you need anything, my inbox is always open.
     
  6. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    This time is different everything taken from me im never shown any respect never i got bloody better and guess tht wasnt meant to happen fucking shits me ive never hurt anyone yet everyone out to fuck me up I have not much left in me anymore to the end of my wits as i write this its 4am im tired as shit yet i cant sleep im dealing with crap day after day i m falling apart guess ive got few things left to sort.I ll be no good to my kids anymore they been fed shit about me by fucked up ppl been best dad i could have been and hopefully they remember those times.I m so down i dont want them to see me like this and i m only getting worse better i m not around.
     
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're meant to get better. You're fighting so hard right now. And I know it sometimes feels like you don't have anything to fight for, but you do. You need to fight those people who don't show you respect, because you deserve to be respected. And maybe it feels like you can't win, or you can't fight anymore... but you can. You're angry, which means you still have some energy left even if it doesn't feel like it.

    You'll always be someone important to your kids. I know they've been told a bunch of stuff that isn't true. But the time will come when you'll have your say, and you can tell them the truth. Maybe it can't happen right now, but it can happen eventually. Your life is worth fighting for. It's not better with you not around, it's better for them with you alive. Because you're their dad; you're a good dad, and you'll fight for them and fight for what's right. That's what they need, even if it's really hard sometimes.
     
  8. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    I dont know.I ve written a goodbye note i m in two minds i m real bad i know the number too ring yet i m not sure i want to be around.I m just fed up i really dont know what to do i m just sick of being so god dam fcked in the head and not being able to deal with shit.Hate not being able to face outside world i hate everything ive lost trust in ppl as i seemed to always get screwed.I m not sure what to do feel like a dick going for help and i feel like it even opening up here.I do love my kids to bits they the only thing in my life and i have been trying for there sake but ive never felt this ill and i really have run out off steam i m drained i have no more fght
     
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun i know fight gets so dam hard at times and people you trusted to be there arent right now but hun use the anger and tht pain inside to keep you here okay use it to show them all that you will not be judged and you will not let them win You children will always see you as a fighter hun as someone who did all they could to stay here with them. If you give in they will also give in to the pain the will inherit You deserve compassion and support and care and if you need to ask for help there is no shame in that. IT takes great strength and courage to ask for help Just know we are all there ok you can pm me as well when ever you need support You just need some rest and if going to hospital helps you to get the rest then do it okay Just know you will get stronger and you will beat this dam illness hugs
     
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    It's OK to ask for help, and to post here. You don't have to fight through this alone. Not everyone will let you down or treat you bad. :hug: Just please keep fighting, for yourself and for your kids. They need you. Nobody will EVER replace you in their lives, they need their dad to be around.
     
  11. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    I see my doc tomorrow i really dont know what he can do though he cant do anything about my sleep as im not allowed the meds to help with that as he knows i m at risk of suicide.Anyway i ll try to fight this through until i see him.My councillor was just around feels like i ve been given up on.Got told to snap out of it.Under alot of pressure have rent inspec tomorrow as well and im trying too run on empty tank to get house up to there standards im stressing as i just have no energy to move.Dont know why but just feel like sitting in a corner and breaking down im just worring over everything sounds dumb i know i just dont feel like a good person i dont know why.Just feel t6ht im a complete stuff up.I seriously cant keep going like this day after day i m at a complete loss and im very vunerable as i said i have a suicide note prepared and have a plan set out and to be honest i hate being like this.Sorry for blabbing on with my probs just trying anything at the moment to get things off my chest to see if it helps and i guess this only place i can turn too i dont have much human contact apart from councillors and docs other than them i dont see anyone so makes it very hard to clear negative thoughts.I dont know if any of this has made sense at all but i will try and stay safe until tomorrow.
     
  12. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOur councillor is an ass to tell you that hun no one can just snap out of depression ugggggg i wish i was there i would give him or her an ear full I am glad you see your doctor tomorrow and i do hope your doc can give you something even for a couple of nights just to rest if not perhaps hospital is a good idea hun You can vent here all you want okay you can say whatever it takes to help you cope You are not babbling hun I understand the depth of sadness you are in please let your doc help you okay ask him or her to put in hospital just for a few days to help you rest hugs
     
  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm really sorry you were told to snap out of it. That's a pretty unfair thing for anyone to say, especially when it's obvious how hard you're trying.
    It's OK to break down. It happens to everyone at some point. :hug: What you said doesnt' sound dumb, but you ARE a good person.
    It isn't your fault that you feel this way, and you don't ever have to apologize for posting. Always here if you need to talk or vent, or if you just need to write stuff out to get it off your chest. You don't have to go through this alone.
     
  14. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Thankyou both of ya im obivousley crook ive just got to get through tonght.My other counciller the otherday (i have 3 people working with me 1 peer support worker 1 counciller 1 drug and alcohol counciller)suggested i see a physcollogist um i dont know i feel nothing seems to be helping at moment guess i see what me doc says think i need a good rest from everything need my thimkimg to slow down i guess some ppl dont understand when you get too the point im at now how dangerous ya are to yourself.I do have lifeline on speed dial i dont seem to becoming out of this low if anything its getting worse seems ive got the world on top of me shoulders and seems to be a bunch of things im trying to deal with at once.I know im strong but only so much one can take.
     
  15. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I hope you make it through tonight. Keep posting here if you need someone to talk to, or if it helps in any way.
    I think seeing a psychologist would be a good idea. It'd definitely be worth a try anyway, just to see what they said and if they can help.
    You're stronger than you realize, because you didn't give up. You're still here. I know it's really hard though, and it's taking so much for you to keep fighting.
     
  16. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    This is getting harder tryed fucking sleeping so frustrated 5am again still no sleep head is racing this is beginning to get beyond joke im a fucking nervous wreck i really cant keep this up dont know how im gunna get to docs today i cant drive in this state well i shouldnt im so jumpy at the moment any slight noise scaring shit out of me dont get what the fck is happening to me.
     
  17. Calico

    Calico Member

    Hey there... I'm new here, been reading your posts... I'm really sorry you're in such a bad place, wish I could do something to help.
    Just want you to know there are people here thinking of you...

    Also wanted to say something... to me the very fact you're posting here makes me think you feel there's something to keep on living for.

    I hope I'm right, and that you hang in there...

    ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) from my part of the world xx
     
  18. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Thankyou for your thoughts Yes i have too stay alive for my children i guess.I know how dangerous i get towards myself when like this is why i am coming here to vent just got a few hours and get to see doc im trying best to fght this shit but im loosing battle slowly.Nice if i could sleep but tht aint happening hasnt for weeks which i guess aint helping my state of mind very lost at moment
     
  19. Calico

    Calico Member

    I couldn't imagine finding the energy to look after children... you have a strength that a lot of people don't. I hope that doesn't sound superficial.
    The few times I've had trouble sleeping I've found it utterly soul destroying. Have you tried relaxation or visualisation techniques? I'd be happy to share them if you think it would help.

    xx
     
  20. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    I havnt been able to see my children for 7 months now as there mother is being a bitch.Did have %50 care of them then she got remarried and has kept them from me.Im trying to get legal sht happening and deal with other crap all doing my head in.Tryed lots of things for sleep need thghts in my head to slow down.Forever thinking and cant stop it guess makes me hypo.I am a walking zombie at the moment.
     
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