Can't Seem to Start Over

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by bright1, Jul 1, 2009.

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  1. bright1

    bright1 Well-Known Member

    My husband of nearly 25 years died of stomach cancer on September 28, 2007. At the time, I had been unemployed by choice for five years.

    My family lives halfway across the country. Our friends have abandoned me and I can't seem to find new ones. I had one good friend who was helping me cope with losing my husband, but she died on May 2 of this year.

    I am living on life insurance proceeds, but that will eventually run out. I can't seem to find a job and don't know if I could handle one if I could find it, because I seem to be tired all the time.

    I recently moved out the house I had with my husband (he died at home) and into a small apartment. No one has called me or come to visit.

    I've let myself become obese. It's been a long time since someone looked at me as if they knew I was a woman. I can't imagine who might ever love me. I'm not willing to settle for someone who would settle for me.

    I sometimes wonder what would happen if I were to die in this apartment. How many days would go by before someone wondered where I was? I think it would be weeks--perhaps not until the rent is late.

    I desperately need a reason to look forward to tomorrow. The future seems so bleak, and I don't know how long I can endure my existence as it is.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome.
    I am glad you joined this site which I joined not long ago. I have found a lot of nice people here as well as support and friendship. If haven't noticed already you are not alone in you feelings and it is okay to talk about how you feeling as nobody will find it odd or pull away.
    You can PM anytime you would like and I would be happy to answer any questions that I can.
    Well just wanted to welcome you, offer my friendship and if your feeling bad go ahead in post a thread in on of the forums and people here will reply and you will know your not alone!
    How did you find this site may I ask?

    Take care,
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome to the forums.

    I am sorry for your loss. :hug: I hope you will find the help and support you need here.

    Daisy xx
  4. bright1

    bright1 Well-Known Member

    I saw the link on Yahoo Answers. I spend a lot of time there when I'm feeling bad; something about reading other people's problems and offering advice helps, and I've answered about 5,000 questions. (I have over 12,000 points).

    Anyway, someone posted a question about dealing with suicidal thoughts, and another answerer posted the link to this site.

    How did you find this site?
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 1, 2009
  5. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    hi bright1, welcome to SF :hug: i'm sorry you've lost two people very close to you, i know how it feels, but there are other things to live for. i know it may not seem like it right now but it will get better :smile: if you ever need someone to talk to, just PM me and i'll help as much as i can :heart: thinking of you
    triggs xx
  6. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF Bright1. I'm glad you found us.

    I'm sorry to hear about the death of your husband & close friend.

    Please take care :hug: xx
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF bright1. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your husband and consequently life as you knew it. Did you seek any type of grief counseling? You mentioned that the friends you had disappeared after your husbands death. Some of that may be due to them not knowing what to say to you from fear of hurting you. Have you tried reaching out yourself? Taking the first step? It is time to take control back over your life. I am glad you are reaching out for help. That is the hardest step and the first one toward healing. Please take care. :hug:
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi i think that you might look into seeing a therapist for yourself to see how to not only deal with death of your husband but to give you skills on how to move forward. I think getting a job would help you reconnect with others and give you a sense of having control again. Are you on anything for depression as well because if not this would be a first step as it would help you get out of that black hole your in and give you the strength to reach out to people. I an glad you reach out here Take care
  9. bright1

    bright1 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the kind words. I did go to counseling for a while but you can't exactly tell your counselor that you want to die unless you want to end up in the locked ward of a hospital.

    I did call our friends regularly for a while, but they never wanted to get together after Hal died. They were less and less available to talk, and I finally had to admit that he was their friend, not me.

    Also, I'm debating about going back to work. I don't know whether to hold out for the job I want or just take what I can get. I also don't know if the exhaustion I feel every day will continue when I try to work. Right now I can't see putting in an 8 hour day and then coming home and trying to cope with my life. I'm doing some work for my friend's husband, trying to keep her business going.

    I was on antidepressants for a while, but gave them up because of the dreams. Right now I'm taking Chantix so I can quit smoking, and I guess I can't be sure how much of this suicidal depression is my life or the pills.
  10. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF. :hug:
  11. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    Welcome to SF!
    Everyone here is always up to talking to you about anything. If you don't feel comfortable talking to them, feel free to PM me. Hope we can help you in a positive way.

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