Can't seem to stay away

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Soon, Apr 28, 2008.

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  1. Soon

    Soon Member

    I'll try to keep this brief, people. I know you all have your own problems to deal with. I don't expect any replies. I haven't been here in a long time. I just need a place to post my thoughts before I explode. Those of you who are religious my find some of my comments offensive... just a fair warning.

    I'm a 26 year-old IT professional living by himself. I'm college educated with a degree in Psychology. I currently take medication for depression.

    I suppose the long and short of it is, I want to die. I don't know that I'd necessarily go out and do something myself at this point. However, if someone put a gun to my head right now, I wouldn't protest. I see no reason in anything that I do. Work is just a temporary distraction from thoughts of death. Short of the isolated pains I would cause in my passing, I see little reason to keep going.

    I have no desire to live to be a decrepit old man. I have no desire to find my part in the human race or even be human. The human condition is aberrant and disgusting to me on every level. I eat, shit, and fuck like every other creature. And if that is truly all that I am, if I'm not special in any way, then what's the point?

    I don't believe that I have some sort of glorious afterlife waiting for me if I stay the course. Religion is nothing but a crutch for the feeble-minded who are too afraid to face their own mortality. And for all civilization's pretence of justice and charity, it is still lost in the same primeval scramble for each individual's own gratification; monkeys scraping for the last fruit on the tree in a global field.

    I am exhausted by my own seething. Exercise and music don't help anymore. Death is the only certainty. So why not make that certainty my reality?

    All the best,
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Drew, I dont have any words of certain wisdom to share. I just wanted to point out that you are an individual and that makes you special in it's own rank. Hope that venting here can help you. You aren't alone Drew, you have a whole community here that cares about your feelings and pain and we are all here to help anyway we can.
  3. Soon

    Soon Member

    Thank you, Itmahanh.

    I'm really not sure what to do... I suppose I'd like to go back to counseling, but my insurance won't pay for that. So unless there are free counseling services here in the US that I'm unaware of, I'm kinda stuck :sad:
  4. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I don't know where you live in the US but in my small rural city there is a mental health agency which bases their fees on income, so it's more affordable. Look in the yellow pages under mental health or psychiatry. Another thing to do would be to call a doctor's office, or a shrink's office and ask them if they know of a mental health agency in your area.

    Please don't give up all hope. I bounce up and down, lately more down than up, but I keep hanging on, for my kids and dogs, if not for myself, and better days do come around.

    Please come back here to let out your feelings. We're a good lot and know how to listen.:hug:
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