Can't shake it!!

My doctor and my shrink have got me all screwed up on my meds. I have been so down I am finding it hard to just get out of bed. Monday and Tueday I just slept all day and all night. The rest of the week I have been dragging myself out of bed around noon. This is way unusual for me because normally I'll sleep about two hours a night and maybe three hours a day.
My depression is so bad that I can't focus on anything very long.I haven't driven anywhere because I don't trust myself right now. I haven't been this far down in a couple of years. I am suicidal and have it all planned and a date set to do it.
I am feeling worthless, angry, critical of myself, life not worth living, unloved by my daughter, used, and several others etc.etc. It just seems like when I try to do something it's not good enough. I just don't care anymore and want it to be over!! My life has never been heading anywhere, I have always been a failure. I try to be nice to people and they always screw me and I just keep coming back for more because I feel deep down there has to be some good in everyone.(wrong).
My parents never wanted me. My mom was pregnant between my brother and me. She lost that baby and they decided not to have anymore and then I came along. I have been told several times while growing up that I was an accident, That I will never grow up to be anything. Well they got there wish I am a total failure. I have disappeared twice in my life for like six years. No one knew where I was and I liked it that way. The second time I diappeard my oldest sister and her husband hired a private dick to track me down. Why? No one wanted me around I guess they figured I would rub off on them.
I only know one thing for sure and that is I want to end it soon. I have no fear because I have been down this path several times. Well enough of my shit, go read somebody elses problems because mine don't matter!!

 

hi joseph

You are as important member here and I have read your replies and this shows how a caring and worthy person. I for one would miss your present in the forums.

It must be hard to feel that the ones who are meant to love us unconditionally are the ones who make comments which can takes us to our grave. I hope you continue the work you are doing with Gina, your therapist, it sounds like there is progress (from the other posts you have mention about her). Is she still there for you?

Some times I think there is a plaque on our forehead, "we can be used and then dump", i feel this way in real life, so i don't have anything wise to say other than i can understand the feelings when you're treated this way.

I can imagine how hard and unwanted it may of felt when you disappeared and no one was worried about your whereabouts. If I didn't see your name around in ther forums, I would be worried if you were okay.

please continue typing and letting it out on the forums if you need to, your feelings and thoughts are worthy of the space as everyone.

Oceans

 

Hey Joseph, please don't think that your problems don't matter because they do. I'm sorry to hear you still haven't got the meds sorted out the way you know works for you and I can imagine the hell it must be going through that. You are not a failure my friend and you are certainly not unwanted. You have helped me a lot since I've been in the forum both through the messages you have sent and by the caring and compassionate way you answer peoples threads. Give yourself some of that compassion because you really are so worth it. Hoping things work out for you and you can get through this rough patch. Simon.
ps I'm on my second period of withdrawing from family. Ten years the first time. They all know what has happened to me but they don't even phone to see if I'm ok.. I'm better off with the friends I've got here.Best wishes.

 

Joseph

Wrong, you do matter. You matter to me and alot of other people here as well. I hope you reconsider this date you have set because you are worth more than that. You said you have been down this path several times, what has helped in the past? Remember, you are here typing how you feel, a big part of you wants to stick around? would you say that. I sure hope so, because I for one would miss you terribly. The things you say to me in msn when I am down don't go un-noticed. I am sorry I haven't been there for yo ulike I should. But I think of you often and want so much to try to listen to you , please reach out and don't harm yourself. You are a great person Joseph, whether you believe it or not. I do!

:hug:

 

hi joesph
i doubt theres anyone here who can say your worthless or a failure, you have helped many here, supported them and given advice.
nows the time to let us help you, dont give up let us support you thru this tough time.
don't let this depression beat you, you are stronger than this.

stay safe :hug:

 

I have changed my date to new years eve so I can go out with a bang!! I really don't want to be here anymore. My life is never going to change and I have been told this from my therapist and my shrink. They say I will be on meds the rest of my life. So why extend the ineventable. I quit drinking along time ago but have decided I am going to stay drunk until new years then it will all be over with.

 

hi joseph

i dont really know what to say, i would tell you that things will stay
the same unless you change them, but i think deep down you don't want to anymore, as you have said in the past you have tried and nothing happens.
i respect your decision to take your own life but i truely hope that something, anything happens to change your mind, or at least delay the final date.
there will be alot of people who will miss having you around including me, it won't seem the same without seeing you post a reply to help or support someone in need of your wise words.

take it easy bud and be strong

andy

 

Thank you Andy. You have always been kind to me and others. take care!~Joseph~