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Can't shake this feeling

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Butterfly, Aug 12, 2014.

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  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Okay, so this is a lot different from the usual posts I make here. Right now, I am the most stable I have been in a few years. No depression, no mania, just me on an even keel. Life is treating me well and everything is going well in general. I would even go as far to say that I am happy. But I do keep getting troubling thoughts. For as long as I remember, even as a small child I always knew that I would die by my own hand. Even before I knew what suicide was I knew that one day when the time came I would kill myself. And I can't shake this feeling. I can't get it out of my head that when the time comes, whether it's tomorrow or in 50 years I will commit suicide. I certainly don't want to commit suicide at this moment in time, I am happy and life is good. I'm not in any danger nor am I suicidal. But I just can't shake these thoughts. I don't understand why I still think of suicide even when I am stable. It doesn't make any sense. Maybe these thoughts will lessen the longer I am stable and disappear eventually. Don't get me wrong, I am not thinking of this all the time, just every now and then but it troubles me that these thoughts are there.
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    So don't shake the thought. I know that sounds counter to what we stand for, but you are happy - you are on an even keel - your life is good. Even if you crash again, you know there is a place where 'good' exists so even when things get dark you know there is a way back. Maybe you are having a premonition and will die by your own hand. Maybe you will be 112 and decide that you just can't bear the thought of learning how to use the iphone3017 - who the hell knows. You don't, and trying to shake and fight this feeling you have is taking up energy and head space you don't need to be using up. It might happen - hopefully it won't, but it might.

    Makes no difference at all to your life now or how you choose to live and what you choose to do. Shove the feeling in a box called "who gives a shit" and just accept it for what it is. Its a feeling - it might have foundation, it might not. Stop letting it impact the NOW though - if it rears its head think about being 112 with boobs round your ankles trying to decide whether or not the social media of the day needs a scantily clad selfie with your iphone3017 :D
  3. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Freya.. I just got the image of a 112 year old lexi with boobs round ankles.... - she'd be playing "keepy-uppy" with them lol

    But I do agree with allowing it to just be what it is, and while it's not impacting - don't let the overthinking on it drag the now phase down.
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I don't know how to get the thought out of my head and it is beginning to trouble me now. Sighs :(
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