Friday, December 23, 2011 So here I am at ten past three in the morning. I've tried to sleep but can't. I lay awake thinking about how pathetic I am. About how with each day that goes by I feel worse, as Christmast is so close. I have had three months off work after returning from Afghanistan and I have litterally done nothing. I am ashamed when people ask me what I've been up to, so I make up stories, nothing major, just that I have been going out with friends and drinking alot, which is entirely untrue. Christmas is something I am not looking forward to. New Year will be something else entirely. I have nothing planned for new year. I could have thought of something to do I am sure, but the truth is have been putting everything off. I don't want to deal with anything, the most I want to do is spend my time in my flat alone, playing computer games. Aside from the occasional walk and trip to get food, I never leave. I really am pathetic. I have no reason to be depressed, I live in a good country, I have had an education and here I am, a useless pathetic waste of space. I have done nothing with my life and never will. I have no doubt that if I don't kill myself, I will simply spend my years doing exactly what I have been doing for the last three months. I will become a complete recluse, I will never leave my home, I will sit and play computer games and fantasise about having a life of excitement where I am liked and where I am sucessful. But I will never do anything real, or worthwhile. The whole of my life will be spent feeling regretful and lonely. I will die a lonely bitter old man. I wish more than anything in the world that I could avoid that end, and I have honestly tried to change my life. I am simply not capable, certainly not on my own. I have tried dealing with things myself, I have tried self help books and audiobooks, I have tried talking to the Samaritans and I have even tried talking to a doctor on a couple of occasions, and even a military mental health nurse. The military nurse was alright to talk to, but I could not really be honest with him. He asked me if I had considered suicide, I lied. How can he deal with me if I cant even be honest. And how can I accept treatment when I am concerned for my job? which is a real, honest concern with the navy. The only thing, the only reason I didn't pick up my rifle and shoot myself in the head, in Afghanistan is my family, particularly my mum. Shes getting old, shes lonely even with my dad there and I think unhappy with her marriage. She gets upset and has recently had a bad injury. A couple of years ago she also lost her father, my grandfather. How could I do something like this to her? People say that it's selfish to commit suicide, but I belive the vast majority of them are simply quoting what they have heard, random comments people come up with, anything to stop people. Is it really selfish? I think there are many situations when it isn't. Mine, well I couldn't do it to my mother. My brother and father though are strong. My brother has family and so does my dad. I think they could cope with it. I don't want to hurt my mother, but more than anything in the world, I want to die. I am more than capable of doing it too, not a bodge job like most people. My profession, being medical and military means I'm all set to do it, but even though I want to do it so much, I can't hurt my mother. So what do I do? I don't see that I have any choice so I'll just continue to do what I always do. Pretend. Pretend to be happy, pretend to smile and laugh and be interested in things. I can't kill myself because I don't want to hurt her. I let her know how I feel because I think it will probably be just as bad for her. My other family, is simply not really able to help, nor am I that close. I don't have anyone to really confide with, aside from medical personnel. So I'll carry on trying to pretend. I actually deployed to afghanistan, with this mindset "I want to do a good job, I don't want to let anyone down, I will honestly try to avoid getting hurt for everyones sake, but I hope I do stand on an IED, or get shot. I've seen the worst of that war, I know how terrible it is for these injured guys and I think about how sad it is that I would happily trade places, but can't. I am a terrible person. I'm going to try to get some more sleep. I've woken up and switched on my computer twice tonight, trying to distract myself. I don't really know what else to do. Definitely not the best thing to do, but lately I've found it feels good to do things that are bad for me. I think I'm going to take up drinking for one - it can't really get much worse, if anything maybe I'll pass out.