Can't Sleep Again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sam3039, Dec 22, 2011.

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  1. Sam3039

    Sam3039 Member

    ‎Friday, ‎December ‎23, ‎2011
    So here I am at ten past three in the morning. I've tried to sleep but can't. I lay awake thinking about how pathetic I am. About how with each day that goes by I feel worse, as Christmast is so close.
    I have had three months off work after returning from Afghanistan and I have litterally done nothing. I am ashamed when people ask me what I've been up to, so I make up stories, nothing major, just that I have been going out with friends and drinking alot, which is entirely untrue.

    Christmas is something I am not looking forward to. New Year will be something else entirely. I have nothing planned for new year. I could have thought of something to do I am sure, but the truth is have been putting everything off. I don't want to deal with anything, the most I want to do is spend my time in my flat alone, playing computer games.
    Aside from the occasional walk and trip to get food, I never leave. I really am pathetic. I have no reason to be depressed, I live in a good country, I have had an education and here I am, a useless pathetic waste of space.

    I have done nothing with my life and never will. I have no doubt that if I don't kill myself, I will simply spend my years doing exactly what I have been doing for the last three months. I will become a complete recluse, I will never leave my home, I will sit and play computer games and fantasise about having a life of excitement where I am liked and where I am sucessful. But I will never do anything real, or worthwhile.

    The whole of my life will be spent feeling regretful and lonely. I will die a lonely bitter old man. I wish more than anything in the world that I could avoid that end, and I have honestly tried to change my life. I am simply not capable, certainly not on my own. I have tried dealing with things myself, I have tried self help books and audiobooks, I have tried talking to the Samaritans and I have even tried talking to a doctor on a couple of occasions, and even a military mental health nurse.

    The military nurse was alright to talk to, but I could not really be honest with him. He asked me if I had considered suicide, I lied. How can he deal with me if I cant even be honest. And how can I accept treatment when I am concerned for my job? which is a real, honest concern with the navy.
    The only thing, the only reason I didn't pick up my rifle and shoot myself in the head, in Afghanistan is my family, particularly my mum. Shes getting old, shes lonely even with my dad there and I think unhappy with her marriage. She gets upset and has recently had a bad injury. A couple of years ago she also lost her father, my grandfather. How could I do something like this to her?
    People say that it's selfish to commit suicide, but I belive the vast majority of them are simply quoting what they have heard, random comments people come up with, anything to stop people. Is it really selfish? I think there are many situations when it isn't. Mine, well I couldn't do it to my mother. My brother and father though are strong. My brother has family and so does my dad. I think they could cope with it.

    I don't want to hurt my mother, but more than anything in the world, I want to die. I am more than capable of doing it too, not a bodge job like most people. My profession, being medical and military means I'm all set to do it, but even though I want to do it so much, I can't hurt my mother.
    So what do I do? I don't see that I have any choice so I'll just continue to do what I always do. Pretend. Pretend to be happy, pretend to smile and laugh and be interested in things. I can't kill myself because I don't want to hurt her. I let her know how I feel because I think it will probably be just as bad for her. My other family, is simply not really able to help, nor am I that close. I don't have anyone to really confide with, aside from medical personnel.

    So I'll carry on trying to pretend. I actually deployed to afghanistan, with this mindset "I want to do a good job, I don't want to let anyone down, I will honestly try to avoid getting hurt for everyones sake, but I hope I do stand on an IED, or get shot. I've seen the worst of that war, I know how terrible it is for these injured guys and I think about how sad it is that I would happily trade places, but can't. I am a terrible person.

    I'm going to try to get some more sleep. I've woken up and switched on my computer twice tonight, trying to distract myself. I don't really know what else to do. Definitely not the best thing to do, but lately I've found it feels good to do things that are bad for me. I think I'm going to take up drinking for one - it can't really get much worse, if anything maybe I'll pass out.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun ya drinking can make it worse hun take it from me i have lived with a household of alcoholics and it is not nice I too holdon for my family i stay because like you i do not want to harm them Afghanistan yes ihad family member deployed there 2 times now and it is sad the devastation there is in war. Please take care of you okay Your mother will always need you hun so please be careful hugs
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    ((((Sam)))) first the sleeping deprivation colors everything.. badly also. too worn out to do anything good whatsoever.. you need to t\alk to the military health care people and be truthful.. know this not easy at all but needs to be done sir.. maybe some antidepressants and some sleeping meds.. not too much either so you are not tempted to OD... trazodone works and knocks me out for 5 hours or so.. which is better than none at all..

    start with that.. first step is a real bitch but need to do it sir.. you sound like you have some education and job skills.. well we got to get you in good enuf shape to use those skills and get a job for yourself. Mom is good that you do not want to end your life cause that would devastate her.. now catch a glimpse that you also do not want to do that to yourself either.. reach out and get some professional help for yourself to put this alll heading towards a bettetr direction for you..

    overcome the inertia of no movement and take some small steps to get thsi headed in a better directiosn for yourself.. also try to not stop your cconversation on here also.. we would like to hear more from you with your efforts in this battle.. you do not need to do this alone.. take care, Jim
  4. Severijn

    Severijn Well-Known Member

    Not sleeping is terrible, I can make you depressed or make your depression worse.

    I suggest you first get your sleep issue fixed before tackling other issues.

    A GP can prescribe you with good sleeping medications. I got temazepam, and also got zyprexa which makes you very sleepy. They helped a lot for me.

    Not getting enough sleep makes everything look twice as bad in your life.
  5. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    Sam I know exactly what you're talking about. When you're depressed and nothing is going on in your life so much that you have to make up stuff to others just to make it seem like you have a life, it digs a hole into your brain. Sleeping is hard.

    You seem lonely. Have you tried dating sites? Also, this may sound stupid, but craigslist, as much as I hate it, does have forums and you can find groups of folks who do things you might be interested in, like running or kayaking or something. Or groups like Scrabble or chess or something. Something to force yourself out of the house. Do you exercise? Running is really good. And as someone who's had problems sleeping his whole life, I can tell you I've tried everything. Melatonin has helped a lot on occasion. When depression gets really, really bad, nothing outside of strong pills helps you sleep. Like the other fella said, try and get some meds, not sleeping makes depression worse.

    I think you should see a real doctor too, I think you're young (in your early 20s?) so you have a lot to live for and your work in the military itself is commendable, you probably don't realize how many people respect you for it. Anyway, I know exactly what you're going through, if you need, you can email me if you want to talk. Just take things one day at a time, a lot of great stuff can happen for you. You come across as a very smart guy and like you say, it can't get worse. I can only get better, so let it.
  6. Simon22

    Simon22 Member

    Sometimes our tensions and worries and did not let us sleep even after taking sleeping pills day by day pills lost its affect so best thing get rid of ur tensions first try to be relax and thing i can do everything......
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