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Can't sleep anymore...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wonderer, Dec 9, 2007.

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  1. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    Last night I totally couldn't sleep. I kept dreaming about, or waking up and thinking about, how I want to kill myself. How the hell am I supposed to sleep?!?!? I decided I'm doing anything for at least another week... I can't handle a whole week of nights like last night.
    And I still don't know what I'm doing. I talked to my mom today about going on an "adventure" when my semester finishes - basically catching a train to a random place - because I have nowhere to go, nowhere to stay. That *might* actually keep my alive a little longer, but if I go, I do not intend to come back, so its not that much of a difference.
    I am having some shit mailed me to me. So I am basically decided on what I want to do to myself now.
    But I need to sleep. I need to sleep so that I can think this through. Because I'm tired, and my mind is racing, and I just need to sleep for a bit. Any suggestions? I've got camomille tea with valerian which used to work really well, but I'm too high strung for it to make a difference now.
  2. JayJay

    JayJay Well-Known Member

    Hi from Middlesbrough in the North East of England

    So what's gone so horribly wrong. Why consider killing yourself ?

    You are with friends here.

    Everyone here loves and supports each other.

    Lets talk through things

    Stay safe
    Jay x
  3. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    Two years ago my dad died and 5 kids I hung out with were attempting suicide, one of them succeeded. One of them (not the one who died) was my best friend, two of the others were my freshmen - I was their mentor in marching band. This was my senior year of HS. While my dad was sick I was the one taking care of him (and my little brother) because my mom would leave as soon as I got home from school. My dad didn't know who I was, thought I was trying to kill him, got physically violent with me twice, but because he couldn't walk on his own that wasn't a huge deal.
    I guess she was before everything, but after my dad died my mom got really badly emotionally abusive. Basically everything was and is my fault, she's horribly ashamed of me, and any time I show any emotion around her, even if its happiness, she finds a way to hurt me with it. And she insisted for a long time that I never took care of my dad at all. I lost my senior year to that, and she claimed I did nothing and that she never left me alone with him.
    When things with my mom started getting bad, I tried to get her to come to family therapy with me. She kept not having time. Things got worse. I got kicked out of the house at some point in there, then invited back, which was good cuz I don't have anywhere else to go over school breaks. I told her that I was moving out, was invited to live with my best friend and her family. Asked a zillion times if my friend was totally sure it was ok with her family and sure she was gonna be ok with having me there because she doesn't like people, she claimed she was sure it was fine. I went down there and she wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. She would come home from work and go in her room and close her door and I like never saw her. I went back to my mom's for a week for my bro's middle school graduation, and she emailed and said how nice it was without me there. I went back cuz I didn't have anywhere else to go, but at the end of the summer there was a misunderstanding about when I was supposed to be leaving. It ended in her asking me to leave a week early because she just didn't like having me around, and her telling me she probably wouldn't have time to talk to me much when she got back to school.
    I walked out that night and was just gone for like 4 hours. Came back, we talked about it, she said she was really really sorry. I stayed that extra week. We went back to school, she disappeared. Point to make here - for the past two years we've been talking like every night for 2-3 hours on AIM, and suddenly she couldn't email me twice a week. She claims she kept putting in more effort, but no matter what she did I wasn't seeing it and asking for more, and that when she tried to explain she was unhappy about something I'd say that I was acting the way I was because of something she did - either because she wasn't there or because of something over the summer. She told me she felt like I was invalidating her feelings and like I was being abusive, which led to her not wanting to talk to me about us.
    So we didn't talk for a few weeks. I asked her to sign on before thanksgiving because I wanted to talk to her. She did, I went in with all my defenses down, I was very careful to make sure that I said nothing against her and nothing in my own defense, and she totally tore me apart. I asked her to sign on again shortly after thanksgiving again, and she did, and I asked her if she would consider coming to a counselling appointment with me. She said she didn't trust my reasons, but she would consider it. I wanted her to explain to my counsellor how I'm abusive, because I can't and therefore can't work on it because I don't really understand it. She told me that I didn't understand it at all, and she thought that my appology to her was just because I saw that she was upset, not because I actually was sorry. I was really upset by that (I was in the ER after she told me she thought I was abusive because I thought I was a horrible person and a waste of life to the point that it scared my mother) and asked her if that was really what she was saying. She proceeded to totally tear me apart again, told me that what I was doing to her was exactly what my mom was doing to me. I asked if she understood why I was upset about our relationship, she gave some simple answer, I said yeah that was part of it but there was a lot more to it. She said that she knew I didn't trust her anymore anyway, so she wouldn't ask me to explain, and she signed off.
    I emailed her later and said that I was really unhappy with the way things had gone, esp. the comment about my mother. She emailed back and said she was sorry, and that she had been wrong to talk to me in the first place so she was going back to her prior silence. I responded, explained that I didn't mind not talking about us if that was what we needed to do for a while, but that I didn't like not talking at all because it basically means she's given up on me. And I got no response.
    I emailed her on her bday, she emailed back and said thanks. I emailed again, no response. Yet she claims she'll always be there for me if I need her... Counsellor wants me to break everything off with her because she thinks she's abusive. I've got PTSD with real bad flashbacks from all the shit with my mom (she's um... extreme when she gets going). My roommate is living with other people next year. I have nowhere safe to go over my break. I've such bad anxiety that I can hardly stand being in public. The nicest thing I can do for anyone is not be there. My counsellor keeps telling me that most people who have been through half of what I have have already killed themselves, and therefore the fact that I'm pulling 18 credits and working 15 hours and that I can do that is a huge sign of stength. To me its just a sign I don't have a soul. This is no way to live, and no one wants me.
    I'm always going to be alone, and its just not worth the effort and pain to keep going like this.
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