Hello everyone. i really dont feel well, i need to comunicate it with someone. Last night I felt on the edge...I started crying a lot, dont really know why, and I started to make a bunch of sad conclusions like; Im not interesting, nobody can ever love me. I'm stupid, I'm dull, I'm a failure, why go on living. and I imagine my roomate coming home and finding me dead on the table. yesterday I felt I had a killer inside me, so full of hate, mostly towards myself. and this killer was devilish. I would cry, shake, and go to the kitchen without even thinking right, of acknowleging what I was doing. opening the drawers and looking for a knife. I didn't find any, I stoped looking and managed to go to the table and sit down, and search through my phone book. after a while I called a friend and he helped me a lot. the worst came at night, after encountering this monster...I went to sleep, my eyes still a little stiff from the crying. I had the worts dream in long time: I dreamed that my mom hated me, and that she yelled at me, threw things at me, and didn't want to set her eyes at me. the only look she would give was of disappointment. and she let me know that she didnt want me to be her daughter anymore. I get chills in my back just from remembering. i feel i cant tell this to any of my friends, because they will worry too much, or not want to be my friends anymore. because i feel i have to be happy with them all the time. I feel they get dissapointed with me whenever I'm sad. i'm afraid..I dont want to die, and I dont want to go on hating myself. I still feel the presence of this being that wants to destroi me. he never goes away!! i've always had some faith, but lately i begin to feel the dry feeling of being forgotten by god. or that god just doesn't exist. everything looses meaning. and I begin to think that I dont have a reason to be here. i just want to be good.