can't sleep, can't tell my friends about it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by eleonora, Feb 25, 2008.

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  1. eleonora

    eleonora New Member

    Hello everyone. i really dont feel well, i need to comunicate it with someone. Last night I felt on the edge...I started crying a lot, dont really know why, and I started to make a bunch of sad conclusions like; Im not interesting, nobody can ever love me. I'm stupid, I'm dull, I'm a failure, why go on living. and I imagine my roomate coming home and finding me dead on the table. yesterday I felt I had a killer inside me, so full of hate, mostly towards myself. and this killer was devilish. I would cry, shake, and go to the kitchen without even thinking right, of acknowleging what I was doing. opening the drawers and looking for a knife. I didn't find any, I stoped looking and managed to go to the table and sit down, and search through my phone book. after a while I called a friend and he helped me a lot.

    the worst came at night, after encountering this monster...I went to sleep, my eyes still a little stiff from the crying. I had the worts dream in long time: I dreamed that my mom hated me, and that she yelled at me, threw things at me, and didn't want to set her eyes at me. the only look she would give was of disappointment. and she let me know that she didnt want me to be her daughter anymore. I get chills in my back just from remembering.

    i feel i cant tell this to any of my friends, because they will worry too much, or not want to be my friends anymore. because i feel i have to be happy with them all the time. I feel they get dissapointed with me whenever I'm sad.

    i'm afraid..I dont want to die, and I dont want to go on hating myself. I still feel the presence of this being that wants to destroi me. he never goes away!!

    i've always had some faith, but lately i begin to feel the dry feeling of being forgotten by god. or that god just doesn't exist. everything looses meaning. and I begin to think that I dont have a reason to be here.

    i just want to be good.
     
  2. zetaf

    zetaf Well-Known Member

    I don't know what my beliefs are as far as religion goes anymore, but I'll pray for you anyway because even if there is no god to hear it, it has to mean something for somebody to care and I do. It is probably pretty obvious that I don't have all the answers... but I think maybe you just need a hug or two and some reassurance. I'm sure you're a beautiful person with a lot to offer and nothing to worry about as far as being inadequate goes. Don't trick yourself into thinking you aren't worth as much as others. It just isn't true period. :hug:
     
  3. Deep Thought

    Deep Thought Well-Known Member

    :welcome: 2 SF.

    I'm sorry ur at a difficult point in ur life atm, but at least u got some gud friends who will look out 4 u (obviously i dont kno ur friends, but from wot u sed i stand by my statement). the gud thing is, is tht u sincerely dont want 2 feel this way and if u focus on this then it'll help u thro. and tht nightmare u described was awful. but dont dwell on it, i think it might b a case of ur imagination running wild. u jst nd 2 do things 2 take ur mind of it. do u have any idea u u r feeling like this lately? wots feeding this 'thing' inside u? if u find these out then thts another step towards recovery. and dont b afraid 2 tell ur friends. u dont have 2 tell all of them, only ur closet if u want. but remember if they r true friends then they wont leave u!

    as with ur faith. stay strong! (i'm not religious anymore, lost it wen i was a teenager) but religion 4 some ppl can b their rock 2 steady them and their compass 2 guide them wen the goin gets tough. i'm afraid i cant help u any more on tht point without reciting a religious txt book.

    I hope this helps u. if u wanna tlk then PM me anytime, i'm on most days.

    D.T :hug:
     
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    you are not alone; we'll be here to help you fight this despair,

    c.
     
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