this is a long post, you don't have to read the whole thing, I just needed to get some things off my chest. Considering this post is just one giant block of text, I wouldn't blame you if you just skipped it. Well it's 1 AM where I live, and after 2 hours of trying to sleep I think I need to vent a little. The main thing on my mind is the girl that I'm usually bitching about. I saw her almost every day this week, and every time I saw her I just felt so goddamn alone. Still do, the only real respite is marijuana, which I did friday night to get away from this. Unfortunately, the high wears off and leaves you feeling shittier than before, but I still do it anyway. I just wish that I could get the balls to tell her how I feel, to let her know that she's the reason that I still have hope. As corny and sappy as this is, it's true. She is the only person that bothers to try and get me to talk when I'm left out of a conversation, she says hi to me in the hallways and flashes me that beautiful smile of hers. she makes me feel like everything's worth the effort (well, not everything, I still never do my homework :chargrined. But she's going out with another guy, and has been for quite a while. It makes me wonder if she's just being nice to me out of pity. Which is the last thing I want, to be accepted out of pity. I don't want any charity bullshit, I want someone to like me for who I am, how I act. I'm tired of hiding behind this mask of self-confidence and happiness. I'm so goddamn tired of sitting here at night, whining about all the shit in my life and how I'm such a mess. I'm pathetic. I feel very little sympathy for others, or any emotions at all, for that matter. the only thing I really ever feel is empty, numb, sad, and occasionally angry, mostly at myself, but sometimes at her. I can't remember the last time I felt truly happy without the use of marijuana. And I'm tired of other people acting like life is good. Life sucks, stop fucking pretending otherwise. 98% of the kids in my school are always acting all tough, like life is so fucking great. They're all fake, I bet a lot of them feel the same way I do, but I feel no pity for them. the live to make other people's lives suck to make themselves feel better. Don't get me wrong, they don't bully, theres very little of that in my school, but they act like they're above everyone else. Especially the girls, every time someone like me (not part of their cute little posse) tries to talk to a girl, they give me looks of just pure malice. What the fuck did I ever do to them? I treat them with respect, as opposed to the assholes they hang out with constantly making sexual jokes and just outright disrespecting them. Is it weak to respect a girl? Last time I checked, it wasn't. So what the fuck is wrong with me? Is being shy weak? Not necessarily, I've heard some girls like shy guys (but I have yet to meet one). It must be that I'm just not good looking. I don't know what possible traits girls look for, but apparently I dont have them. And that really hurts. And you know what the worst part is? There is nothing I can do about it. I'm doomed to be looked down upon for the rest of my life as a loser. I'm 17 years old, and I've never had any close contact with a girl. Nothing. Every last one of my friends have, they've been kissed and have had girlfriends. Some have even had sex. Now don't get me wrong, sex isn't the only thing I'm after, I view it as the result of a healthy relationship, an added bonus for finding someone who cares about you as much as you care about them. But the world just shoves their love lives in my face every chance it gets. Since I'm one of the only kids in my group of friends who's old enough to drive, one of my friends asked him to buy condoms for him. What. The. Fuck. He doesnt know how I feel, but seriously, why does this always happen? I just feel so alone, like no one cares about me. I know it's not true, I have a good family, but they don't really count. I know I may sound like I'm asking for attention, but I just want that girl to feel the same way for me the way I feel for her. the fact that she probably doesnt hurts a lot, and it's eating me up.