Can't sleep

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Seerbrum, Feb 9, 2009.

  1. Seerbrum

    Seerbrum Well-Known Member

    Broken, I broke myself long ago but I not sure if I mind. At times I'm stronger then the rest of the world. Sacrifice, I'm so willing but no Oath will give me the chance back. In my youth I was a idealist. I believe in the end I could actually make a difference, but now with experiences I have... I know it may take more then I can summon to make an impact.

    To self involved! It's the problem, every song, every word, and every moment is a reflection... and allegory for my life. I know thats wrong but I can't get that part of my psyche to unlock and be dissolved. I've lost so much, so I'm angry. And this anger is holding me back.

    I'm letting out, on myself. I'm tired of it being me, who holds myself back. I wanna love, but I refuse to love myself even when it's at its most important.

    I'm I that broken? That even the most strongest of wills can fix me? I don't want the pills, I want to stand on my own two feet. Yet I can't, not with out these smokes, not with out this weed, and not with out this god damn alcohol.

    I spent all day resisting but I gave up... I gave in. Like the weak person I hate... I use to have strength. I use to be able to say “NO” to myself, but I lost that ability when the world took too many cuts at me. But I wanted those cuts, like I wanted to self destruct.

    Yet another part of me screams for the positive, yells so loud I'm deaf to the world around me, because I'm sick. So sick... and I don't know how to get better. I can't heal these days, the bleeding stops, the skin regrows but inside, in the mind, I'm still had torn apart as ever. And it pisses me off, I expect to be stronger then this, people depend on me to be stronger then this. Where did that strength go?

    Did that girl spirit off with it? Did I kill it in my stupidity? And why till this day do I measure my worth by her? She doesn't even remember me more then likely. This makes me feel worse.

    She didn't do nothing, she only just tried to spare my feelings and side step my negativity. Yet I hold contempt for her. She did nothing but ignore me, so in the end, nothing really wrong. She deserved happiness, something I could never provide. Even if my letters meant something, even if my emotions were worth a damn. But they weren't, yet I still blame her, and my friend for going for it. In the end it's all my fault. I should of known better then to aspire for love, should of known better.

    Why can't I be pragmatic anymore? Why do I pine for some one? Why do I see those girls and hurt? It's a never ending cycle, I've given up trying, and I use to at lest try. But now I'm afraid, I'm too desperate, yet getting rid of this desperation seems to be impossible. It stinks, it makes me hate myself, and I'm tired of hating myself. That self hate has cost me enough, why can't I let it go? I'm so angry with myself.

    I nearly kept myself from drinking today, nearly kept myself from stealing weed, but I couldn't. I did both, like I'm still on that cycle. I don't want to steal from my room mate anymore, I don't want this alcohol any more. I want to feel comfortable with myself, and I want to at lest have a reason to fight. But these days, I only have my promise to my family and friends, and my lack of willingness to full fill even my own word makes me feel worse.

    Am I really that weak? Is it not weakness to hinge my happiness on whether I have a girl friend or not? I use to yell and even insult my friends for such behavior, yet I know found myself in the same place, and I Feel bad for judging them. I truly didn't understand.
    Everyone expects so much from me. I'm told I'm smart, yet I make dumb choices, I'm told I'm creative, yet I only emulate those things that influence me, and I'm told I'm handsome, yet I only see a skinny pathetic boy in the mirror.

    I've been hurting since I screwed up my military career... and it's effected everything in my life. And now I can't even get straight enough to my shit in order to possible fix it. But even then my intentions are wrong. Yet I can't shake this boy hood dream of being a warrior, of being a proud soldier who's skill and courage allowed him to survive. I don't have those qualities really, I wish I did. But I've never had the courage to really try that hard, and I've never worked hard enough for the skill to see it through.

    All I have is regrets, a shit ton of regrets. I don't want to be this way, I wish to be strong! I want to be what I know deep down inside I can be, but I'm out of focus on purpose. And I can't discipline myself.

    I feel like I've already failed...